"...so my feelings were hurt since I had told her that I would do something with her instead of her going with friend. She denied me, but went with her dad...so I told her that if she wants to play him against me than maybe she should stay the whole weekend with him."
Can you see how you let your feelings put your D in the middle of you two? I think you could have done better here. No offense.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
The anger bit isn't working so now he is trying the pity bit (been there done that). Don't get sucked in, just say "I understand". He is really telling you how he is feeling, but if you give him too much right now, it will blow up on you.
This is JMO, but your husband and I seem to use a lot of the same tactics ( or at least I did lol) and I am trying to think what I would have done and been thinking.
Don't hate me lol! Working on changing my interaction habits!
You're not being mean, you're being a parent. It's not your job to be their friend when they are at risk of making bad decisions, it's your job to keep them safe and show them the path.
Yes, it was not good to threaten time with their father as a form of punishment, but let's look at what you did well there -- ultimately you got H to parent WITH you instead of letting D play one of you off against the other, and you got D to come home instead of sleeping over at friend's house. Would it be worth it to talk to friend's parents? I read a survey recently where 95% of the time, the other parents want you to say something if there is inappropriate behavior going on.
Finally, you didn't get into it with him yet again.
See? You've been thinking that he's living this happy care free life, but in fact he is miserable. He just told you as much.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I know he is miserable...he has pretty much confirmed that. Im sure he is still getting lots of support from OW, but mostly he is sad.
I found out tonight after D14 casually mentioned...that H is getting a part time job along the same lines as what he does now. He told D he will be moving back to our city soon if everything works out. Its still amazing to me to what lengths he will go to run farthur and farthur away from me. He wont just come back home and work things out..instead he will work another job and struggle. He will give up seeing his kids everyday too...
I guess Im just sad tonight that I found that out. Not that I dont want him to succeed, but I just want him to wake up one day and I feel like the more things he does like this its just more and more final:( Maybe Im wrong...but thats how I feel tonight!
I was at the mall with the girls and I got secretly sad with all the holiday stuff out now. How am I going to survive Christmas??? Made me wanna call him that moment and ask WHY??
Accuray..thanks for pointing out the positives for me:) I appreciate it!
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
If he came home, he would be surrounded by people who really, truely love him. He would be here for his son, who is to be born in 3 1/2 months and he would be able to enjoy all the moments of him growing up.
H is very sad right now...I can tell by his texts, his calls and the things that the kids mention when they are out with him. He cries very easily now.
What do you mean? What changes have I made that he will benefit from if he returned?
I went out last night and had tons of fun! Went with a group of friends that were both our friends, and of course, H comes up in our conversations. One of the guys, who WAS H's bestfriend before H up and left, said that they ahd breakfast together last week and H isnt as happy as I think. But in another breath, this guy tells me that after the baby is born, I will find someone so great to be with and I will be happy. So, I assumed that he was telling me to not waste my time and to move on. Of course, my last thought is other men right now...but this guy and another that knows my H well was telling me how attractive and fun I am and that I will have no problem with dating. (these are the husbands of my best friends...so they were being real, not flirty!)
I also found out the H asked D14 if I was seeing anyone...not sure how she answered...my D11 told me that H asked a week or so ago. Why would he even care? He has OW to be with so what does it matter what I do? I just dont understand...
So, as much fun as I had last night...I still missed H. He would have been there with us...he would have been hugging me and telling me how much he loved me...as he ALWAYS did. I guess its just still too fresh for me to not think of him when we are out doing things we used to do. I just still cannot come to grips that he up and left so fast and furious?
Life is hard right now for both he and I...why cannot he see that? Why cant he see that he has created this hardship by leaving and not working on our marriage?
I guess the grass IS greener for him....at least some patches of it...
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
"What do you mean? What changes have I made that he will benefit from if he returned?"
Yes. What were his complaints about you and how would life with YOU be better now? What have you changed about yourself? What would be different from before?
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Sweetbriar, I'm going to be very blunt here, but please understand that I am speaking from experience...it would not matter whether he were at home and surrounded by people who loved him, he would still be doing what he's doing, but it would be far worse on you and your family. If he's in mlc, if it weren't this woman, it would have been someone else.
Your h is in a dark place, a place where he needs to go to find himself and grow up. He was emotionally stunted as a child and now he's having to go back in time and find that place and try to repair his inner self. YOU can't help him.
Yes, he's going to try to control and manipulate you because control and money are the two areas where they really exert themselves during the crisis.
He asked if you were dating for three possible reasons: 1) if you were dating, it would alleviate some of the guilt he's feeling because he's doing it; 2) if you are dating, then he will feel better about himself; and 3) he doesn't want someone else to be in your life. Why? Because he wants you to stay right where he left you pre-crisis. Even though he says he's not coming back and doesn't want to be w/you, he still doesn't want anyone else to have you either. Crazy, isn't it? He is only thinking of himself right now and what will alleviate the guilt and shame he's feeling.
He can't see the hardship he's created because he's in crisis. There is not quick and easy fix or snap your fingers fix to a crisis. Please take some time and read some of the threads in the mlc forum. You will see that your h is no different than some of those that are discussed there. I suggest you read the threads by reachingHigher, LoisB, and Sunnyburt. They are all parents having to deal w/husbands that have flipped their switches.
The more you learn about your h's crisis, the better you will understand what he's going through. Sweetbriar, no one can fix your h...except God and himself.
Keep focusing on you and your family.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
SS...H's biggest complaint about me was that I didnt help financially (even though we had agreed that I would be SAHM) and now I have a job to start! He also complained that I always pointed out the negatives in him and not the positives. He needed way more affirmation that I gave him and that is what OW did...she said all the right things to him and has made him feel really good about himself. This was the major thing since he has always had such bad self esteem. This is something I cannot show him that I can change when Im NC with him:(
Snodderly..I know that he is in a dark place and I know I cannot fix or help him but I want to sooo badly it hurts. I want him to know how loved he is and that I want to be there for him always...but I cannot tell him those things. He feels so alone right now, but I know I cannot help him. I actually feel sad for him a lot:( I wonder most days how he even makes it through without his family...the ones he loved the most. You mentioned his childhood trauma and I still find it strange that he has been so angry at his parents our whole marriage. We still have had a relationship with them, but he always held this grudge toward them for what they did to him as a child and he always knew that is what caused so much of his depression. Now, he is living there and telling them every detail of our lives and how bad I was. How I want all his money and how Im keeping him from his kids...its terrible. How is he able to confide and take advice from the people who originally damaged him?
I did go back and read those threads you recommended. Its so sad that this happens to people:( I dont know for sure he is MLC but honestly, the more I think about it, the more I believe he is...he has a lot of the symptoms and the way he literally had a switch that flipped. H actually used those words to me..that it flipped and he doesnt think he can ever flip it back.
I remember one night back in like July before he moved out, he told me that he really thought then he was in love with OW. He said that now that he sees that there is other things out there and that is when he mentioned the switch being flipped. I remember that day so well and how sad I was. He tried to come back a few times, but he just couldnt stay away from OW...he was lost in her trance by already, very early in:(
I had a very decent weekend...no tears at all:) Kept very busy and had fun with friends last night and kids today and tonight. Church tonight was great! I am so lucky to have my church family too! They all loved H and are so sad that he has chosen not to be part of our church anymore. He used to be the youth group leader and the sound board guy for the band..all stuff he loved at one point.
So weird that he has literally given up EVERYTHING he loved..not just us, but his band that he sang in, his friends, etc...the only thing I know of that he is still doing is golfing.
Anyway, about me...I finished D's room and will soon be getting ready for the nursery painting and decorating! Fun stuff!! Its gonna be a great way to distract me through the winter months! I just get so sad everytime I think about H not being here to enjoy the moments with us:(
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
