Heather, They do go back and forth w/their feelings/emotions and that's why it is so very important to detach, go nc and let them go. In a way, when they say you are the only one, it is keeping you stuck in one place while he's out there playing the explorer.
About wanting him to experience the hurt and suffering he's caused you...he does and unfortunately it's not something you can see because it's internal. But, they do suffer in ways that we can't even begint to imagine. Some do share their thoughts as they travel the mlc path and others don't.
I wanted to share a little tidbit w/you because I about died laughing. The other day, my xh posted that he was so sick and tired of being sick and tired. Even after all of these years, he's still stuck and wallowing. He's been visiting old, old family haunts the last few months and that most likely means he's just now starting to think about things. He's lost a lot of family members while in the mlc tunnel and his w's health isn't good now.
Even though my xh drove me totally crazy w/his insane behavior, I have to say that after I finally got my sh@t together, I have found the mlc disease fascinating. Why? Because once you can step back and look at the behavior, you come to realize it is truly mind boggling or them and yes, you get to see what your spouse was like as a child and young adult. But keep in mind, I've been on the path for a very, very long time and can now laugh about a lot of the behavior and yes, I'm still educating myself on the disease each and every day. There is always more to learn.
Now, about the repairs, if you can get someone to help you, then do it. Your h needs to learn to miss what he had and he can't do that if he's coming there quite often. You are now starting to get the hang of the one step forward, two steps back.
Always remember, you didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
