Crazy Strange Glorious

[tpc1977]

This holding cell is a tough place to stay but where I can really listen to God and learn about myself. It shows my what I'm truly capable of. Can I remain calm and wait? Or will I lose it and get put back into restraints until I calm down again?

And when will I be allowed to move into the general public or set free? I know kicking and screaming won't get me there any quicker. So I really try to remain calm. I reflect and look to the future - what good things may come my way.

I am not trying to say I'm in jail or prison. I'm just trying to figure out where I am right now. Trying to put a name on it to make it easier to understand. I could say this is a neutral zone in a bike race where no one is allowed to attack or move up much until the official moves out of the way and gives the signal. We are held behind a pace car and all we can do is move around the general classification. Whatever it is or wherever I am, I know this is where God wants me.

One thing I learned today on my run was that I need to put my wife and marriage in His hands and let Him take care of it. I've held on to it far too long. Everything had to be related to the situation I was in. Every scripture. Every story. Every thought. Every prayer. Every conversation. I have been obsessed with it and it's taken over a lot of my life.

Another thing I have been doing is judging my wife. Even though what she's doing is wrong, I have no right to point a finger and act sancimonious about it. Who am I to say anything? Are there areas in my life that need a good rooting out? Absolutely! I'm still impatient. I'm still selfish. I'm still full of myself. I still can't let go of things. I'm still lustful. I'm still unforgiving. When I finally let go of my wife and see her as God sees her then I will never see her sin but a woman who's life is valued just as much as mine in His eyes. If something miraculous happened and she wanted to reconciliate I would still have all the fears and doubts and anxieties that I had before it all blew up. It would fall apart again.

Also, I'm still an addict. There are some things in my life I cannot let go of because they have attached themselves to me and I think I need them. I don't think I can function without them. Slowly, I'm trying to rid myself of these things and rely more on God and the strength He can give me. This has been one of the toughest things. Yes, hard substances are out of my life. I don't need coke or booze anymore. But I do need OTC stuff to get me going. Even though it's legal, does it make it right?

I still don't seek God solely for a relationship and journey with Him alone. Everything I do (though a little less now) was to get me closer to MY prize. Is this going to get me closer? The more I pray. The more I fast. The more I read the word. The more this, the more that. Constantly, I'm thinking my works will get me to the end of the race quicker and receive the prize quicker - whatever that is. This competition isn't for my glory or the prize I'm beggining for. This is to bring me to a place where I can be the best me God first intended. And who knows what my desires will eventually become once I get to that place where I am fully aligned with His will.