Yet here you are working on yourself and the relationship. I applaud your efforts.
Promise me that before you give up, you sit down and have a talk with him explaining what you've been through, what you need, what you expect from him, and what you are willing to give to him. Remember timing is everything here.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Thank you, Tori and ForeverYoung. Yes, FY, I will sit down with him before I give up. Remind me if I forget! Tori, that's a good question. Right now, I'm still much more aware of what I don't like! Hopefully, I'll feel like getting around to what I do like about H at some point.
This morning was rough. If it weren't for this board, I would have done some major backsliding.
First of all, I was a bit put out that H immediately jumped out of bed when we woke up and then wasn't on the case with S13 (who is meant to be his responsibility in the mornings). I was then trying to light the pilot light again on our oven and he had a go at me and said that I was obsessed and that it wasn't going to work. I knew we wouldn't get it working fully, but at least it produces a little heat with the pilot light on. He said rubbish to that (though he is wrong). Anyway, I was a bit quiet and so he then went on a tirade about how I definitely couldn't be upset just because of the Aga (oven) but that there was something else and that he didn't like me lying to him! He then left (supposedly to help his cousin with her slow internet connection).
He can't call me controlling because I haven't been. Instead, he's called me lazy yesterday in the context of asking him for IT help and obsessed today and then accused me of lying. It really feels as if he's upping the ante. He's never criticised me about anything other than being controlling but obviously is trying to come up with other things.
I'm really tempted to spill it all out and tell him that I feel hurt that he seems so indifferent/hostile to me. I get the tiniest crumbs from him. I know though that if I start saying that I don't feel loved, it will allow him to say that he feels just the same (unloved) and that it's difficult for him to feel loving towards me because he's been so deeply hurt by me over the years (not respecting him, etc..) You'd think I'd had the A and was the one now behaving weirdly.
Tonight we go out for our Sunday dinner date. I'm sure he'll push for R talk and that it could easily deteriorate. It's as if he was accusing me of what he knew he was guilty of. It felt as if he wanted to feel justified in going out to do whatever by having a fight with me.
My H feels like a combination of Regretful's H and MKB's H. He's trying to bait me and he's just not that into me!
It's so much easier to see what not to do in looking at others' sitches. I will try not to fall for the baiting. I will also try to get my nourishment elsewhere for now. It's just not going to be forthcoming from H. I know I can't make him be nicer to me by asking. I need to GAL!
Any advice on how best to deflect him baiting me about how I must be hiding something from him (the only thing I'm hiding is this board!). I feel infuriated by him being suspicious of me when he's the one who is behaving oddly and coldly.
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
Just a quick reply as I m on the phone. How about asking him what he thinks it is you have on your mind. He obviously has something in mind. It s the tell-tale heart of edgar allan poe. Must be his conscience playing tricks on him.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Thank you, Arsene. I think you're right: I bet his conscience is playing tricks on him.
I'm scared I'm going to start complaining to H about H leaving me to eat alone, just not showing much care and consideration. If we watch The Good Wife tonight, I'm tempted to say "Well, as long as you don't bolt out of the room, when it's finished". That's not such a good move though, is it? Sounds a bit needy and pursuing.
I just know H will push for answers from me about why I seem 'funny' and will even look as if he's ready to hear my complaints. After about 10 seconds of me opening up, he'll flip into being the angry, hard-done by one. I know how this works and yet I know I'll be tempted down that cheeseless tunnel. I will somehow kid myself that this time it will be different and that H will finally click and understand me. ----------- H just got back. I told him that the Aga not working was the equivalent for me of the internet not working for him. He seemed to get it and may have accepted that that could explain me being 'funny' earlier when he wouldn't help with it and said I was obsessed.
I can tell though that he definitely didn't see his cousin. He has a way of responding in really vague terms when he actually hasn't seen who he says he's seen. He has no imagination and couldn't come up with anything except, "She's all right". If he had seen her, he'd have had some anecdotes from her life. Zilch info about her. He must have had a coffee with POW
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
I'm so tempted to tell H that I know he wasn't with his cousin... So tempted to say that he obviously has a guilty conscience...
Will that bring you closer together or pull you farther apart?
Yeah, I thought so too.
Michele has a section in the book on figuring out the best time where our spouse would be most receptive to our request(s). Timing is everything.
We both know one thing for sure, when he's baiting you is most certainly not a good time! Continue to avoid being drawn into this at all costs... you can't win.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Hi Wendy. You are getting some really good advice here. I do feel like you and I are in very similar situations, except I had 2 EAs and am wearing a scarlet letter. But I definitely empathise with you and your feelings around being rejected by H.
When he snapped your underwear, what did you do? I'm always getting advice to "be flirty" with H although I never take it because that's not what he goes for (he's got some sort of madonna/whore complex going on). I think snapping of the underwear was flirty! Snap his back and see what he does. Unless he's in a PA that might work.
Agree with FY on maybe having a chat with him, but try to set it up for a time when he'll be receptive. All you can do is give him your true feelings, and he can't argue with that (although mine finds a way to, saying 'that's how you feel now, but it's opposite from what you said three years ago' (I can't win)).
Seriously though, if you express some of these feelings to him, it might help clear the air. You could start with, "H, when you leave the table while I am still eating, it hurts my feelings. I'd like to spend more time with you over dinner." In my sitch, I always get pushback immediately but it does seem to sink in later. I would say, maybe start with a very small thing that's not confrontational and see how he responds to it. Remember, experiment and monitor results!
You said something in one of your previous posts that reminded my of my own H - the time when D15 was at netball and he'd totally forgotten she'd left in a minicab. A week or 2 ago I took our dogs with me when I went to pick up the boys from school so we could go to the dog park while S8 was at soccer practice. I told H I was bringing the dogs. When I got home H told me he had ridden around the neighborhood on his bike looking for them for 10 minutes before he remembered I'd taken them. All he had to do was look for their leashes and realize that the leashes were gone. I mean, I've got some crafty pups but they're not crafty enough to take their leashes when they run away!
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
