The green green grass of home

[Soul.Searching]

I can see my thinking patterns changing. When I first seen your post (Please don't take offence.) I thought that you missed my point. My point was that it's all selfish reasons really. Then I thought maybe I missed the point. Maybe your questions can really help me.

1: It's not what I want.

Nobody here wants it, it's why we are here...what do you need?

Need is such a strong word. I'm also not sure what context you meant it in. My first thought was what do I need in a man. To answer that. I feel I need a man who is reliable and honest. Trustworthy and caring. Someone who can respect me and my children and treat us the way we deserve to be treated. Out of this I can say H can be caring at times,... As for me, I need to keep working on me. I need to be the best mother and person I can be. I need to re create my path in life. I need to be the best role model possible for my children.

2: It forces me to change the path that I choose.

And it $ucks, but the really cool thing about choices is that they are just that...choices.

yes they are but H choosing his path has removed some of my choices.

3: I miss his and want to spend time with him as husband and wife.

In what way ? Refer to # 1 and 2. I'm not quite shour what you mean.

4: It made me feel rejected (Which I'm working on.)

You are not alone. But know that you do NOT need to be externally validated by someone else.

I know I don't and but it can be hard not to take it personally sometimes.
5: I wanted my kids to have two full time parents, living together.

In the eventuality that doesn't happen they need two parents, even if they don't live together. yes, I know. I am very thankful that H is still in their lives. That he still wants to be in their lives.

6: I don't like it when my kids are not here with me.

A lot of us have defined ourselves by our kids; explore why you don't like it when kids are not with you.... It's not like I need them with me 24/7. They are both in school and do have occasional sleep overs at cousins houses. I don't mind that but when they are with H the quietness isn't so peaceful, it's more of a defining reminder of the realities of my sitch. I worry about them, I just don't feel I know H right now, so it kind of feels like letting a stranger take them. I know they need H and H needs them but it's still scary and hurts.

7: I miss the closeness, the companionship the fun times.

Me too, but I think it is the LBS who tends to idealize and the WAS who vilifies

yes, definitely. I meant my vows and had To remind myself many times of the reasons I love H.
8: The thought of him being with OW hurts. (Because i want him to me and me only)

It will hurt. No one wants to think they are not enough. But you are, trust me.

I know it's got a lot more to do with h but it still stings.
9: I feel he made the wrong decision.

That's fine. But ultimately you cannot decide for someone else, you can only decide for you

yes, I know. I surrender! It's his choice now.
10: I thought we were soul mates.

Define soul mate.... Meant To be, Part of each others divine plans. Kindred sprits. Destined to be together.

11: The thought I could have made him feel so unhappy hurts.

Me too. That is the worst thought I have. But people have to ensure their own happiness as well. If I or you make someone unhappy, they have to say so.

Yeah, I know but it's still hard.
12: I didn't see the signs and I feel disappointed in myself because of it.

What signs? Hindsight is always 20/20 if you've ever noticed, signs are on both sides of the highway, going in both directions, to be seen by all drivers.

. H saying 18 months/ 2 years back that he didn't want to be together (I thought we worked through it.) The causeing fights, the exercising, the style changes, the new aftershaves, the increasing anger, the wanting to buy a motorbike yesterday. I did see them but didn't want to believe it. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Told myself that it didn't always mean A
I could go on but the pattern would be the same. It's all about me, It's selfishness really.

Again, see number 7 and 12. And the pattern won't be the same. Once you start to change, the way you interact Is different as well. Once one part of the equation changes it is never the same.

I know the reasons for him leaving was not because I was selfish, far from it but my reasons for wanting him back are.

I still have people telling me they are sorry to hear and some of them sort of dig for information but i don't feel the need to talk about H any more.

When people say they are sorry, I like to say " so am I" and change the subject....
I could say that..

. I think I'm too "proud" to say that I fall to pieces a lot.

Personally, I like to say I'm trying my best and some days are better than others. Pride got me to the place I am in right now...I am done with that.

yeah. I don't think pride got me here. I think it's probably more so that I don't want to break down. I don't want to feel like this night after night, morning after morning.