Your words sound like mine a few months back about H. Your reaching an acceptance point were you see that this is him now, and you may not/need him anymore.
I do NEED him and what he used to be. i may not get it - but whatever all that ws i sure need it to feel happy. i still feel like that - even tho i look at him and mull over what i now know about him - and the overriding picture is of a selfish man who felt & feels free to be and do whatever it is he wants and lie and drag me along in his life - and still consider me (obviously) of less worth & consideration than him and his whims & fancies.
i'd like to feel equal- i do not. i see now that my "love" and placing his happiness first - has only reinforced his conviction in life that i am - SECOND and should be (i guess). knowing he had & has had some kind of r with this ow for the last 30 years makes me physically ill to think- and talk about a mountain one cannot get over- that is probably it. that he has been a selfish pos FOREVER - and lied & allowed me to think he is a good person.
he has used me - & by my standards it's allllll been a sham & a game. my life - i don't think he is a decent person. i know i am too judgemental of him- i don't know if that will EVER change- it is very very bad seeing him without love glazing over his "downside" -
I would never have even given this guy the time of day if i knew he was a liar when we met - or even sniffed it. - i hate it. you'd think i'd be less "gullible???" since i'm so avers to lying - wouldn't you.??? i would.
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Someone wrote on my thread that she (and I can see ME) spends to much time looking for h's love, needing his love and attention. It's funny how much I do need his expectancy, love, understanding, and kindness. From HIM? I am an educated, youngish, not bad looking, sweet person, why do I need his attention, approve, to feel good?
you told me once in the beginning - why not? it's what we all want- it's what i want too . personally- i think we are love junkies. it's great and it's a wonderful feeling in life to feel loved and special. IT'S OUR DRUG OF CHOICE - i hate him most for taking that away. even if it was an illusion- i felt it and it made me happy- he has shattered that (the most important thing in my life - and maybe i'll never ever be able to see him without seeing the him that ruthlessly created it- then shattered it.
I'VE THOUGHT of going to aa only because it sure sounds the same to me- we DIE for a sip - we can hardly go thru a day (at the bad times) without a sip- we are literally love alcoholics and our lives revolve(d) around our habit. for better or worse- i don't feel badly about it. itis the best feeling in the world- to be loved & return it. for these jerks to have ruined THAT and tainted that - is so sacreligious almost. i do sound nuts don't i - but it's like that with me. it was (mayube)unrealistic- but i know what was there and what i felt- to make it a sham is like abusing a child - to kill that "trust" - of someone that loves you & trusts you. WELL- abusing a child is waaaay worse- they are so pure & loving- people who abuse kids need to be (gulp) executed probably. . sorry- my take on it
if i "run away" at any moment- it's just that he is coming home from tennis. the sad thing is that i don't trust one word or action or anything aboutt his dope- when i consider the magnitude of what he has lost & done (and probably is oblivious) oh brother!!!
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I think it's because I put so many yrs (suppose to be for life) into our r that its the rejection that drives me crazy, because when he's not being all rejecty I have a better day, stronger minded, like I could move on.
iknow- me too. i rely on him and him being in my life- i don't think now that he will be forever - i'll man up one of these years - but i can see i still feel that too. sleep helps too tho- i'm a stronger person when i've had some.
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I hate that he ''can't move out'' I think I could easier than him. Take my car, my daughter, get a small apt. work and be free. He stays here pays the same bills nothing would change for him. If he leaves he would have to pay everything here plus his new life.
