what a "blow" here- lots of trees down, etc. people are acting bizerk- it's such a shame.
only have a min. h in shower and i prefer privacy (naturally)anyway- back to fl any day- mom, sister, etc. all spinning out of control - one sister wanted to plunk some woman (we don't know well enough) in with mom to live- woman needs a place to live Free- there ar ethings about her and her "story " that don't quite match up.
it's a totaly freak show- this morning spent 2 hrs with baby sister telling me i'm a controlling b_tch- wow.
she's got some anger issues- it's toooo long a story. i would have said i'm a doormat- who the heck???\\ \anmyway-\\
hang ing in there- thins peaceful(if strange) back to fla any day- was supposed to be tomorrow- mom still wacked out- need to stabilize that plce- man- it stinks to get old and have your memory be junky.
anywa- will chat some time when have time- xxoo to you all and thanks for asking- i am treading lightly aorund my storm by the way- well put.
today i agreed and agreed and agreed til my head fell off. he's pitching in wit this mom sitch- so i'm thankful for that. oh well- life is wierd- then gets even wierder will reply to anyone later. i'm outta here xxoo
Hi, I was glad to see your wrote. I can only imagine by what's on tv what you must be facing.
Be careful with H I'm sure he's in his superman mode, just protect yourself from reading more into it than what is really is, who really knows!
Hope to have you write more when you settle in Fl. You should consider not hiding your time you take to write here, it is your reality and escape your facing here. If he asks just say you are journaling, but be yourself!
Be safe!!!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Boy I sure could use some of you witty personality right now! I am literately going batty! Batty I say with this crazy life I've been dumped into. I hate it so much that I am prepared to chuck it all, through it all in and through him out and hate him forever! To bad my gun is only on air soft, LOL!
Anyway, I hope you well tucked in at you home in FL away from the NJ crazy weather. Be good!
oooooxxxxxxx
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
sorry i was incommunicato. you sound like you've HAD it - i sure know how you feel . sometimes i literally go around yelling at the phone (represents stinking h when he's gone) when i walk by. mostly totally profane and rude stuff like - you know, uh hem (f u u b_stard, etc). childish , but nothing quite defuses one (a bit) to be yelling out loud- hear yourself, realize it- and usually have to laugh (even if it a wry & bitter laugh- it's a laugh nevertheless).
so- seriously- do you yell and scream and curse - out loud & to someone up there???? if you don't have one friend who will listen to you rant- i'm thinking seriously why don't you try and find a support group and maybe will find someone to be buddies with that has got some similar stuff gong on that will be a good venting buddy? just a thought. i failed totally in my one little attempt to find that support group0- bad karma. i do have a bunch of "friends" (some real- some just people) roaming in and around my life in nj- so i'm not quite so isolated.
IT'S just so ALONE & (sometimes) hopeless feeling isn't it? i've noticed in life when things are their most awful- it's the feeling of just being alone and going thru "it" alone that is so stinko. i always wonder if someone was truly "there" for you, with you - if you'd still feel the same because of the nature of "tragedy". know what i mean? can you tell i overthink this junk & cut everyone in the universe a heck of alot of slack?
write to me and vent your little head off. it is sickining some days that guys like me and you even do this- even try- even give these jerks sooooo much slack because of what they were to us. because of what our lives were- because we're so nice & loving (and sickening- and dopey maybe - and care too much for s_itheads that don't even have the brains to appreciate us).
my new overriding theory is that (my h at least) they are typical american men- want everything- the grass is always greener and he is greedy and selfish. cannot even stop and appreciate what he has- for fear he's missing out on something out there that is wonderful. his stupidity is changing my heart- it will be a sad day when i leave him- for him mostly. i am so sick of him thinking i'm so this(bad) and that(bad of course).
i wonder if he3 would ever realize that the reason everything about me seems so awful (or seemed? - who knows) is that the jerk is cheating and in order to not feel like a peice of dirt - which he is by the way- he HAS to view me and everything about me as less satisfactory than his stupid cow of a ow. duhhhhhh- it aint brian surgery buddy. OF COURSE - i'm less wonderful- or you wouldn't be boinking her -
what he's missing is that he is not a nice person- he is not a caring person- he is not a person wi th integrity & honesty (ha- honesty- what a laugh) or loyalty. he is a selfish little animal- gimme gimme gimme. MY PROBLEM is that appaently he ALWAYS has been- i cannot find a place in my mind for this information to go and be processed. i short circuit out when i realize it's always been there forever- in some place in his life- my life- and i didn't know. such is my blind love.
i am curiously detached a bit lately- honestly- i don't know if it's a wonderful overall cure type detachment- or that when he is in my face- i realize i don't want to look at his face and i don't want to really touch him- and he isn't "cute" when he's being cute. it's such a shame- i am not kidding you when i say i am the most flexible and amenible of women- if this dope cannot look at me and think about life with me and realize it probably would not be better with ANYONE- WHAT THE heck??? we had such a nice life together- he has sooooo ruined my heart- and has soooo changed the person i am i think- in that respect. it's such a shame to realize i will probably never be able to go back to feeling for him what i felt.
and it was BIG - AND GOOD. HE'S SOOooooooo afraid i will cling to him- again, sorry to be repetitive, but what a dope! what he doesn't see is that he is changing me and i will never feel the same (maybe) about him- and he has really blown something truly worth having. sooooo immersed in self-land. oiy!!! the insanity of it makes me sorry for him sometimes - he is clueless.
and i don't know why it doesn't work like it does with a baby. they lash out and you would never ever think of holding a grudge- somehow he figures it applies to him. that totally ungrudging love that can withstand everything in the universe. duhhhhhh- how can he not GET that when an adult man makes a decision to trash your heart and feelings and risk everything he has with you- he MADE THAT DECISION with knowledge and experience and you will always kn ow that and consider that. it's not just niave animal instinct like a kid or baby- it's his damn decision-
yeah, yeah, yeah, i know the bit about he is nuts and doesn't know what he is doing- it's true. the shame is tho, we look at them as adults and our mate & friend. there is something soooooooooo particularly rotten about a friend stabbing you in the back- it will be interesting to notice if this treason ever goes away.
OH GOD - TALKING about treason. the girl next door- with the invalid mother and our big hurricane adventures of trying to drive around and find a power source to charge huge batteries for the hydralic lift & oxygen supply (geeeez- we were two hair-raised girls). she was freakign out- i'm so glad i was there to hold her hand- it's soooo nice to have a neighbor- i can even walk over in my housecoat and co ffee cup & chat in the drive (just like a cheesy sitcom) - anyway-
we were chatting- she got telling me about her husband's father living with them while getting progressively worse with alsheimers - and that he just could not get that he couldn't go to the bathroom anywhere he wanted- and she'd have to rush home from work to take over caring for him and her husband was cheating - and she began to cry- i felt so awful for her. she is back together with him- says she trusts him and loves him and it's behind them- but then she talks about it and cries and i realize it's always there as in ALWAYS THERE AND HOW THE HECK does one ever ever ever recover from that??? i felt so sorry- and he's an alcoholic and has psorossis (how the heck does one spell sirossis of the liver anyway? ) soooo- hyikes!!!!! that's sad too- and he requires "handling" - i hope to ?God whichever way i come out of this- that I am done pussy footing around and feeling like a second class citizen.
i was a jerk myself alot of the time- i'm always thinking that h's happiness seems more important- he's the one with the hangups, and rules , and it's a thing i realize about myself- i do make myself a doormat alot - so have no real grounds to gripe about it- i need to man up here in life.
i'm not kidding. i hate fighting - that beingt said, i am surrounded withpeople who want to really get in my face. my baby sister (51) not such a baby huh? is quite an uptight person- but now that she's got some letters after her name- she's got some kind of complex going on about being the "baby" of family and thinking my older sister and i "push her around". if you knew her- you would laugh. she's sooooo adament and mad all the time- i walk round stroking her ego and honestly- we had a conversation about my mom (i'm not even going into it) and i was working sooooo hard picking my words and trying not to be inflammatory- i nearly gave myself a hernia!!!
the upshot was that she let loose - screamed and yelled and acused and judged and told me what a pushy b_tch i was and am and i've been pushign her around for years (???) oh yeah- she's a sensitive and quiet little thing that needs to be protected(not). it was quite a huge display- and me, with my usual diplomacy and cool head ended up half yelling - just do what you want- do it, do it, do it.....
poor ole mom- that woman lives two hours away- sees her for an hour or so every few weeks - and she's judging her mental capacity and ability to live alone successfully and wanting to take charge of her. her overriding message was that she (sister) knows what is good for mom more than mom does. that may be true in a few ways- overall- she's not ready to be locked up. she's enjoying her last years of freedome and independence quite alot (along with alot5 of confusion).
it's sad. i know tensions were high with the stress of preparation and aftermath of a hurricane- BUT. i haven't spoken to her again- i don't even want to hear her voice at this time( sorry but) - she is such a hothead no one can even speak but her. i was apologizing left & rite for nothing at all- and she's yelling "sttttooooop- i don't want to hear this" - oh man. i am surrounded by insanity here no kidding.
i'm in fla - and it's quiet - but i do worry a bit about my mother. she's not a danger to herself or others tho, so for pete's sake- let the woman have her small amount of times left where she lives her own life , in her own place , by her own self with her cats and enjoys feeling in charge of her life. it's merciful i think.
i'm so sorry to rant- i miss ya too- it's lonely when i can't find time to get on line. there seems to be soooo much going on- and of course- no stinking elec GOTTA GOXXO
sorry- boy am i parahoid. here's the thing about doing this while h is around. he is taking apart and building his own computers- if he knows i goes somewhere to talk- what is to stop him from finding it. he is capable.
it is my belief that once we put things on the computer and "out there" someone like him can find them. he can break codes and find things and traces, etc. even if i'm totally clearing my history for the day every time i come here- he doesn't have a clue so he won't go looking,. if he did go looking- he really could find anything - ta da!!!
i'd rather not have it even be a possiblity. i said once i go to a forum i enjoy0- and i'm sorry for that even. now that i don't see him as a wonderful person full of good intention and goodness - i see him as an awful person full of totally bad - selfish instinct and i don't trust one darn thing.
i feel sorry to write that- AND YOU ARE ALSO RIGHT about not getting my hopes up. maybe they don't go up anymore- and that's sad to realize too. when he does or says something nice (not very often- talk) my impulse is "lies" - and what is he trying to pull. i'm beginning to not like this man- and i'm sorry to say that too. he is stupid and not seeing the pain he's caused- but it is sooooo much and sooooo all-encompassing, maybe there is no "back".
i'm remaingin calm- and now need to get out of here - everyone probably looks at my long posts (chats) to you and thinks i'm a n utball- oh well- judge judge judge - everyone in the universe (and expecially my sister) sure are out there to slam down the gavel on some other poor boob huh??? can you spell "paranoia"... i flatter myself to think anyone notice3s i'm sure- so tra la and glad to be in touch with you- it's a Godsend. are you doing any better today? are you really "ready" to go bonkers and chuck him??? are you managing to maintain your calm and control and NOT?
let me know how you're making out this minute- good luck- hugs to you and once again( for the fifty millionth time) i sure wish i was your neighbor- what a support & misery fest we'd have in our kitchens with mugs of coffee. make some scones for the kdis - and eat them hot slathered with butter & raspberry jam - i'm going to make them for my baby here- she loves it when i allow her to use a knife and handle the jam jar herself (wants to eat it straight of course) but hey- it's fruit (rite???) no- i don't let her eat alot of spoons of straight sugar- she's sooooo cute- can't wait to see her-
xxo hang on - (or let go if that's your overriding final decision) we're here for you- as much as we can be - ((((___))))
I often worry about someone i know reading here. Really it shouldn't matter. I sure would not want H reading it though.
It's okay, i think my posts are probably insane too. I think not getting your hopes up is a good thing. Maybe,..
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
I'm so glad to hear from you! Good that you ok and back in your element.
Your words sound like mine a few months back about H. Your reaching an acceptance point were you see that this is him now, and you may not/need him anymore.
It was a good feeling when I got to that point. But, be careful of those back slides they really hurt and that's when you go a little batty depending you how you handle it!
It's funny you say your h is not ''cute'' any more even when he's trying. I see that too, when I look at h with these new eyes he fashioned for me, he is not cute and even down right ugly at times!
They really put a neon sign on their heads saying look at me while I show you all my faults so you can see that I am an ugly man.
I don't have friends to confide in, your right. At this point I would settle for someone to have lunch with and not even discuss H. I really miss all my guy friends, they were the absolute best friends I ever had. My best guy friend (old boy friend) from my teens died 3yrs ago, I miss him like hell.
He loved my h and pushed me to marry him trusting he was a great guy (which he was, then) as did my cousins and closest friends.
Today he would have opened his home to me asking me to stay, relax, retreat and have a beer while watching football. He would have said "i love you" hugged me, held me tight and make me feel like that 17yr old who left home and found that sometimes a stranger can treat you better than your own family!
I have always loved guys as friends...they don't hold sh!t it just rolls of their backs. Not mine though he has to embrace every neg. thing that comes his way these days.
Someone wrote on my thread that she (and I can see ME) spends to much time looking for h's love, needing his love and attention. It's funny how much I do need his expectancy, love, understanding, and kindness. From HIM? I am an educated, youngish, not bad looking, sweet person, why do I need his attention, approve, to feel good?
I think it's because I put so many yrs (suppose to be for life) into our r that its the rejection that drives me crazy, because when he's not being all rejecty I have a better day, stronger minded, like I could move on.
I would love a scone & raspberry jam is my favorite. At night we could make strawberry frozen drinks (im learning to drink) and watch movies that show hansom guys being sweet.
I hate that he ''can't move out'' I think I could easier than him. Take my car, my daughter, get a small apt. work and be free. He stays here pays the same bills nothing would change for him. If he leaves he would have to pay everything here plus his new life.
Plus, I have been wanting to move for 6yrs now. I hate staying in one place! I don't even want to be in Il. any more. I hate the weather and Chicago is soo over priced just go get dinner and park.
My mom was born in NY, and I have family in Allen town PA. I tried it 27yrs ago but I think the SW,W is where my heart belongs.
How do we cut the rope, drop the rope, get away from them already. She also asked me if I would want him back, my life back and the answer is truly no. Not at all like he is, or even was, now I see it would never be good enough now. So what am I holding on too, crying about, sad for.......!
I can't figure it out! It must be so much easier to have a million dollars and just buy yourself freedom, an escape, and some damb sunshine on a beach!
Hey do you live by the beach? We had a house in Avon park Fl. yrs ago, it had a lake w/ducks! My friend is in ClearWater, we visited her in Jan and the weather was great. Try to live every moment happy!!!!!!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
i sure don't want h knowing alllllll this goop. way i figure is this- if mwd is saying DON'T have r talks - this would be the kiss of death. if these people are supposed to be ALLOWED to do what they do (to us) and be what they are (awful) and not know it- that knowing it would create an obstacle soooooo huge they would never ever even have the gumption or shame to try to "come back" to the decent side -
then- reading our total honest assessment of them sure wouldn't help - maybe it would- but honestly- my gut says he doens't need to know this personal side of my misery- i just hate the thought. it's so much pain- it's sooooo personal (funny huh that i can spill my guts to a bunch of strangers - i don't miss the irony of whati'm saying) it's MY PLACE to go- my buds, MY lifeline - etc.
as for friends - I think also that everyone here is feeling something similar - and it's mighty bad. people not in our shoes this very moment- bleeding probably to one extent or another- are not going to have the same level of understanding of what we're saying and feeling.
it's not just "pity" here- it's understanding really and trying to put your own spin on stuff and help someone out - while they're hellping you out- it's not just wah wah- it's possibly an idea exchange that is constructive too -
i chat with some mighty kind friends- i can see in their eyes and in their "response" to my sitch that they keep mum about their opinion as to what i should really do with(to) h- it's kind of them and i appreciate it because i don't need more judgement or plea for action than i heap on myself. everyone knows that it floating around out there and what our society expects someone wronged to do- soooo- i'm thinking they are well meaning and want me to be happy- but they're not able to really really "get it" like the folks here. )
i'm being unfair to a couple people - they seem to understnd what we're tryign to do- but still want to scream "dump him" at the top of their lungs - but don't. good friends aren't they? to try tohelp and to rise above that urge ??? i do appreciate them all - honestly.
i have a friend who is a real paranoid & super snooper kind of gal. she was tryign to get me to say what the forum was i go to- not on your life. she'd be in here reading it all- kind of like (sorry) a vampire feasting on some poor jerk's blood- i can picture it- some people just can't help themselves from "enjoying" (for want of a bettter word) others's pain and misery because it reinforces that their life-husband- whatever isn't so bad. i do not need to be providing that to anyone.
i like her- i think she's a good person- it's just a side of her that is there- ta da. good luck with your own journey and thanks for comment- i thhink we all sound "insane" sometimes- that's what i mean- feeling this much grief and pain kind of makes younutty and you need other people who know - telling you it's okay- get it out- and we understand and it's not nutty under such a big stress as this all - i know my posts sound crazy sometimes and i chase my tail- i don't mind here - it helps me to know others feel same way too - thank God for dawnmarieQQQ!!!!!
Your words sound like mine a few months back about H. Your reaching an acceptance point were you see that this is him now, and you may not/need him anymore.
I do NEED him and what he used to be. i may not get it - but whatever all that ws i sure need it to feel happy. i still feel like that - even tho i look at him and mull over what i now know about him - and the overriding picture is of a selfish man who felt & feels free to be and do whatever it is he wants and lie and drag me along in his life - and still consider me (obviously) of less worth & consideration than him and his whims & fancies.
i'd like to feel equal- i do not. i see now that my "love" and placing his happiness first - has only reinforced his conviction in life that i am - SECOND and should be (i guess). knowing he had & has had some kind of r with this ow for the last 30 years makes me physically ill to think- and talk about a mountain one cannot get over- that is probably it. that he has been a selfish pos FOREVER - and lied & allowed me to think he is a good person.
he has used me - & by my standards it's allllll been a sham & a game. my life - i don't think he is a decent person. i know i am too judgemental of him- i don't know if that will EVER change- it is very very bad seeing him without love glazing over his "downside" -
I would never have even given this guy the time of day if i knew he was a liar when we met - or even sniffed it. - i hate it. you'd think i'd be less "gullible???" since i'm so avers to lying - wouldn't you.??? i would.
Quote:
Someone wrote on my thread that she (and I can see ME) spends to much time looking for h's love, needing his love and attention. It's funny how much I do need his expectancy, love, understanding, and kindness. From HIM? I am an educated, youngish, not bad looking, sweet person, why do I need his attention, approve, to feel good?
you told me once in the beginning - why not? it's what we all want- it's what i want too . personally- i think we are love junkies. it's great and it's a wonderful feeling in life to feel loved and special. IT'S OUR DRUG OF CHOICE - i hate him most for taking that away. even if it was an illusion- i felt it and it made me happy- he has shattered that (the most important thing in my life - and maybe i'll never ever be able to see him without seeing the him that ruthlessly created it- then shattered it.
I'VE THOUGHT of going to aa only because it sure sounds the same to me- we DIE for a sip - we can hardly go thru a day (at the bad times) without a sip- we are literally love alcoholics and our lives revolve(d) around our habit. for better or worse- i don't feel badly about it. itis the best feeling in the world- to be loved & return it. for these jerks to have ruined THAT and tainted that - is so sacreligious almost. i do sound nuts don't i - but it's like that with me. it was (mayube)unrealistic- but i know what was there and what i felt- to make it a sham is like abusing a child - to kill that "trust" - of someone that loves you & trusts you. WELL- abusing a child is waaaay worse- they are so pure & loving- people who abuse kids need to be (gulp) executed probably. . sorry- my take on it
if i "run away" at any moment- it's just that he is coming home from tennis. the sad thing is that i don't trust one word or action or anything aboutt his dope- when i consider the magnitude of what he has lost & done (and probably is oblivious) oh brother!!!
Quote:
I think it's because I put so many yrs (suppose to be for life) into our r that its the rejection that drives me crazy, because when he's not being all rejecty I have a better day, stronger minded, like I could move on.
iknow- me too. i rely on him and him being in my life- i don't think now that he will be forever - i'll man up one of these years - but i can see i still feel that too. sleep helps too tho- i'm a stronger person when i've had some.
Quote:
I hate that he ''can't move out'' I think I could easier than him. Take my car, my daughter, get a small apt. work and be free. He stays here pays the same bills nothing would change for him. If he leaves he would have to pay everything here plus his new life.
