The Lure of the Siren

[Arsene]

I know that there is life after divorce and I know I'm handsome, interesting, fit, funny and smart enough for my age to attract a woman probably much younger than myself if I wanted to. My hope for happiness isn't pinned on my wife though (well, it probably still is a bit) but as you say, it's pinned (or should be) on me and that is why I'm trying to switch the focus back to me at this point.

To me, what you posted above is key. As long as you believe this you are good to go, no matter what.

I believe it FY. I just doesn't take away from the pain of losing the woman I love, and seeing the family I love fall apart.

A bit of journaling.

Yesterday I got a basketball and hoop which I installed today for D8. I'm not really sporty but I figured I'd like D8 to at least be exposed to a sport. She and her have been having fun playing one-on-one and shooting hoops. D8 really took to it so I think it was a good purchase.

I still feel strangely detached from W. She was around a few hours ago to pick "us" up to go the the art gallery where she had invited us. I still hadn't made up my mind as to whether or not I'd go but in my present state and keeping in mind that I have to put some distance between me and W, I thought this might be a good time to start.

When she got here (on foot which means OM dropped her off outside the complex), D8 and I were playing basketball. I noticed a coldness in her and I somehow mirrored it. I'm not sure anymore. Maybe she noticed a coldness in me which she mirrored. D8 and I kept playing. At first, D8 barely acknowledged W, but then tried to include her in our game. W refused saying that she hated Basketball and wasn't into sports. She then walked in the house.

D8 and I finished our game then I urged her to go and get ready to go. W seemed surprised to hear I wasn't going and remained cold. I simply told her I had "stuff to do today". D8 asked if she could stay at Ws tonight and W refused which sent D8 in a tantrum. This surprised me as she'd been so positive and strong and such a good, calm girl all week. I quietly sat by her and tried to talk her out of it a bit and succeeded in calming her down. W was about to change her mind and accept but I asked her not to as it would just show D8 that she can do this all the time to get what she wants. W has had problems with this in the past.

The situation seemed calmed and I left them to get ready. I came back around and W and D8 were talking. D8 told me, right there and then, that she'd told her mom I was a good boy now but that her mom didn't believe her. W seemed embarrassed. I told D8 that it was ok if mom didn't believe her. That mom was entitled to her opinion. Then, I jokingly said that maybe daddy was always a good boy. Maybe it was mommy who was a bad girl. W answered jokingly that indeed, she was a witch.

I tried to be upbeat as I saw them out and I wished them a good time together. As it turned out, W changed the program and decided to go to a friend's instead of the gallery.

I'm now sitting here wondering if this was the right thing to do. I'm wondering if I shouldn't just have gone and spent a nice day with my family. This feels wrong right now. But then again, W is showing no remorse and no signs of reconsidering us. There is no family anymore. Does she really not believe that I have changed? Or is she just lying to herself again to justify what she wants to do, which is stay with OM?

I should be proud of myself for resisting the lure of my siren but instead I am full of doubts. Perhaps a certain death by her hand feels more satisfying to me now than life without her.

I'll be out of the house when they come back and probably won't see her tonight but tomorrow she is coming back with the intention to stay the night (as a compromise for not letting D8 stay at hers tonight). I'll need to tie myself to the mast once again.

Is there any part of this DBing which isn't painful? (this is rhetorical and doesn't require an answer )