My Fears in GALing

[newman7977]

Journaling:

No major updates since my last post, well up until Friday. I ended up taking a different route on my way home because I had to put gas. As I was waiting to turn right I noticed on the other side of the street parked, the same car as my W and realized that it was W's car. I saw my W inside the car but couldn't make out what she was doing. It was dark and I know she was not on the phone.

So I decided to park and text her. She lied on her response cause I know she's a block away from the house. I waited about 10 mins and left and went on to the gas station. When I returned about 15 mins later she wasn't there anymore. I know she stayed there at least 10 mins.

I got home and I asked her why she lied. It was not fighting or mad tone but it was a disappointed tone from me. She finally said that she was sitting there crying, she's depressed to come home, she's scared to come home, she's sad to come home, and that she doesn't want the kids to see her like that. She started crying.

We got into R talk and the convo was like this:

W - I'm so depressed

me- why do you feel depressed?

W - because I feel like I wreck your life, the kids and the OM's life.

me - I'll be honest with you, what you put me through hurts and I'm working to forgive you, but you got to forgive yourself too. You didn't wreck any of our lives. You didn't wreck mine or the OM. I will deal with my life you can not control that. OM made his decisions as well and that's on him. Don't put yourself on all of the blame.

W - I dont know I feel so lonely. I can't love you I don't know how to get those feelings. I'm a terrible person.

W - I don't know how to feel that love again. I have so much resentment towards you. We wasted 18 yrs of our lives!

me - You don't have to be lonely, I'm here. But you are not letting me in your life. I'm giving you space. The things you complaint about our marriage--you re-wrote our history. I have a different recollection, I remember us being happy. Sure I was guilty of going back to school to get a better career, you going back to get higher education, both of us working full time, we bought a house. Thought the kids were grown, then we started over again with the surprise of S3. Sure it took away from us, but why is that so bad? Everything we did was for the family! And is still is. We have a beautiful family, 3 gorgeous children, a home. Take ownership, if you want to be sad and cry do it--you can do it at your house, if you don't want the kids to see you go in the bedroom. You shouldn't have to be scared to come home. It's not too late we can still do those things as a couple together.

me - but you have to forgive me, you have to forgive yourself. Stop blaming me. Take your part of your fault too in our marriage. It's 50/50 you have to recognize that to move on. You have to let me in your life again.

me - listen I know i can't control your life, i can't control your decision. If you choose to pursue OM that's up to you but I'm not going to be part of THAT. If you want to be the 3rd wheel in his marriage go for it--I'm not gonna stand on your way. But I hope you have more self respect than that. You are smart, you're a strong willed person. Be truthful to yourself. Just let me know so I can get closure. I have accepted the terms either way. I haven't felt your love for a long time, it is almost 2 years since all this happened. I have my needs too, right now everything is about you -I ask how's your day at work and you share. I tell you my day at work you don't share interest and you don't care. I'm tired, I want to be able to share my life with someone, someone who will care that I exist. I want to be loved just like you. So why do you stay? why give me false hope?

W - because you asked me before--don't you want your family? Do you want to lose your family? I don't I'm scared but I don't want to lose my family or you.

me - I'm glad you recognize that. Listen no one says life is easy. Others have it worst than others. Our sitch, compare to others is not so bad. But we have to cope. You have to focus on yourself, you ask yourself, how can W be a better mom? how is W be a better wife? how is W be a better person? You don't have to stay in the bedroom and be depress..join us in the living room with your kids. You don't need OM to be happy, happiness comes from within you--you make yourself happy.

It ended there. I gave her the advise, that I learned from here about saving yourself. I thought that it applies too. About focusing on yourself to be better. I just don't know what else to tell her. she's depress...What do you tell a depress person?

I wanted to give her a hug and care for her but I didn't feel like pursuing.

I might've went too far as far as giving my opinion about our R. But this is what I feel now. I'm fighting back now--I really am tired. I'm tired of not being be able to share my life with her. Im tired of initiating contact. I'm ready to love and receive love. I have truly changed to be a better father. I recognize my fault as a husband. If she gives me a chance I will show her that I am a better choice. But I'm not going to take all the blame anymore.

May 2013 marks two years of all of this. I will re-assess then, I don't know if I can go longer than that. I think if this sitch is in the same state. I might even file. I just don't want to stay in a loveless one way marriage anymore.

Today Saturday, she stayed with us longer in the living room. She didn't just sulk in the MBR. She even read with S3. She watched tv with us. All 5 of us together, watching tv.

Sorry for the length of this post. Let me know what you guys think. Is it me or a bit of MLC is in her??

Newman