Lois- I really do understand the pain you are going through. It is so unbelievable that they would do such a thing and the pain is so raw.
MLC is a complicated thing, which looks like it could be so simple - 'get therapy and work on the marriage' Sadly most of them don't. And it isn't up to us.
If you think of them as addicts, utterly hooked on something that in their few lucid moments they know is destructive, it can help us to make sense of what otherwise seems like unbelievable rejection of us and their family.
Your h is conflicted, but he isn't going to stop seeing OW and even if he stops for a while he will very likely either go back to her or find someone else. As Snodderly says, if the crisis is interrrupted before it is dealt with by them, it will resurface in weeks/months/years. I say dealt with by them because it can involve them seeking therapy and outside help. But it rarely does, so I would not pin your hopes on it.
I believe that the roots of MLC lie deep in their past, and represent a part of them that was never permitted to grow and express themselves. I also think it is a crisis of identity. We did a lot of their living for them, becaue of their damage, and they are feeling a loss of personal identity. On another level I also believe it is a crisis of left brain vs right brain thinking, where they construct an alternative reality, rather than dealing with the life they are in. But they are all paths to the same point.
It helps some people to understand more about MLC in order to deal with it - it did for me. Others will say -what does it matter, this is the reality you are dealing with. Both points of view are useful.
This is the time in your life when you will have to dig deeper and draw on resources you did not know you had. It is a time of huge personal growth. There will be many times when you feel like lieing down and never getting up, and this person, your formerly loviing husband is doing it.
Sadly there is no choice. But like any huge endeavour, when you finally work through it - you can look back and love yourrself for getting there, your friends and family for walking with you, and those who hurt you for their damage and their own pain. For me working through MLC has been an explosion of love for others It isn't always consistent, and I don't love everybody all of the time [I am very human!] but I do believe I have more love in my heart, having been hurt so badly.
I wish we could have a glass of wine and a talk, but I send you a virtual hug, because I so recognise where you are today.
