He's Just Not That Into You

[mamabird]

I don't mean to upset you but some of this I still sort of feel like you are controlling and then get upset when he doesn't do what you want. I know you say he isn't responsible but what exactly would he need to do to make you feel otherwise? I am sort of feeling like this is more about you than him. Acts of Service may be your LL.

H definitely feels I am controlling. MWD says that people who perceive others as controlling need to stand up for themselves a little more! But yes, I can be controlling.

What would he need to do to make me think he's responsible? Start taking initiative. Do things right the first time. Clean up around here. Make sure his car door is closed and the car is locked (I arrived home 12:30 am tonight, and the back door to his car was ajar. We live in a medium crime neighborhood). Need I go on? This is an issue that probably won't get resolved. Acts of Service is DEFINITELY my LL, but that's all so back burner right now.

I'm not saying that there will never be a time to address these issues but it doesn't feel as if he has enough good will at the moment for you to be expecting him to make an effort in these ways. Him just being at home is probably a huge effort for him. I'd cut him some slack if you can do it without building up too much resentment.

I agree with this wholeheartedly. It's not even just the good will portion - he does help when I ask him to - it's more the capability. The dude is carrying around prescriptions for Lexipro, Xanax, Ambien and some other thing and he needs these to function. Not sure how often he takes the Ambien but he goes through the Xanax pretty quickly. He is in no position to be running the show around here. I will say, in his defense, that he managed the renovation of our whole house last year. It came out really nicely for the most part. Sure, a few doors don't have doorknobs and we don't have much closet space (he kind of screwed that one up), but overall he did great, so it's not like he's not capable. He just doesn't put in effort when he doesn't feel like it.

Can you get emotionally nourished elsewhere (not an EA) so that you're not so dependent on your H (for now)?

If anyone has any ideas about how to accomplish this, I'm all ears. I love my children and my friends but it is not enough for me.

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We did have a pretty good day, all in all. 2 soccer games, and then we all went to lunch with my father after the second one. 2 months ago this never would have happened, so I was grateful - and I think the lunch went well. On the way home we played "animal 20 questions" and my H was teasing me because he knew the animal I was thinking of (that S was trying to guess) and started throwing out some very obvious clues.

After a little nap (H "lets" me nap on the bed even if he's in there), we went to a party our friends were having to raise funds for Sandy relief. They are from NY and the whole thing was NY themed. It was really fun. H received the invitation, I did not, so I guess that made it his call whether to have me come along or not. We had a good time. H was not overly friendly nor overly standoffish. Just basically neutral, which is his new way of being. Actually it's not that different from how he's been over the past 5 years, which is how we ended up here.

After that I did some GAL and went to see Argo with a friend. I really wanted to see it and would have gone alone gladly. She is not much of a "suspense" movie person so I was grateful she put that aside for me.