The Lure of the Siren

[Arsene]

Hey 25,

Thanks for dropping by.

While I agree that he should stop being in denial AND that it's not great for his d, (b/c what d8 NEEDS to know is that Arsene and SHE will be fine no matter what. It seems as if all hope for happiness is pinned on what wife does. NOT GOOD for d, or Arsene...)


But I also think part of the reason he's not telling others is HIS PRIDE IS WOUNDED...he's embarrassed that she rejected him....Who likes saying "My wife left me b/c I was very hard to live with, she told me to change but I didn't. And now she's got OM". I mean, isn't that also a possibility?

I am working on the denial aspect 25. I've started being more open about it and even started thinking about life without W. My talks with D8 (when she asks) now include that her mom will always be there and I will always be there no matter what. She even told me she didn't want a step-mom because all the ones she knows of(from fairy tales) are mean .

As far as the wounded pride is concerned, I'm sure there is a bit of that but again, the people who are close to me know about my sitch. Mere acquaintances and my students don't really need to know now, do they?

But in my sitch, I found that the more folks who knew details that reflected poorly on my h, the harder it was for ME to hear their input.

And I fear that if my h knew what others had said, he would not have the same r's with them that he does now.

So YES I protected him b/c it would have made it harder on ME and HIM and our kids to reconcile.

This here rings true as well. IMO, keeping the path home well lit and smooth also means making sure there is not too much mud on it.

Finally, I told my youngest that "we're going to be fine no matter what" and that HER happiness was my priority b/c they're the most important people in my life. I'd describe how her life was going to be stable and good, regardless... In OUR sitch, that meant no sudden moving away or leaving her friends or school behind.

In YOUR sitch, Arsene, it sounds as if a move doesn't bother your d. She said she wanted to move or change schools??? So, whatever it takes so she knows there's going to be a roof over her head & and food on the table, and you, then she'll feel reassured.

When D8 talks about moving back to the country where we were last year, I always tell her that it is a possibility but that it probably wouldn't include her mom. She seems to understand this. She also brings up moving to the touristic part of the country, knowing that this would probably include her mom.

***BUT I fear that if your w gets financially stable, SHE'LL take your d. Right now you both are living paycheck to paycheck, right? How stressful.

Since she gets custody there, IF she wants it, we have to ask why she has not.

Isn't the single biggest reason she does not have custody,a financial one?

So, what's to stop her from finding financial support from OM (or a new OM) and then taking d back?

I don't see her as preventing you from seeing d, but once SHE is established, why would she still have d with you?

This is always a possibility but I really think that right now, the reason she doesn't want to have D8 with her is that she is happy to not have any responsibilities. She is living her teenage/young adult life all over again, staying out til 3 am at some coffee stand chatting with her band mates. D8 just wouldn't fit in this and she knows it.

She says her friends don't understand either. They tell her that she should be the one with D8 and the house while me, as a foreigner, can easily fall back on my feet.

I think that W knows, for now, that I can offer D8 more stability and a better chance at a good future. As a performer in this country, she is not likely to ever be in a financially sound position. She does have the house but she's even said that she no longer wanted to end the rental as she said she didn't want the commitment right now.

As far as OM taking care of things, I would doubt that because he has 2 sons and a wife who he can't even take care of. I think that he's in that relationship with my W simply because it's easy and there are no responsibilities, same reasons as my W.

I may be wrong but I doubt that W would go to OM2 should this affair end, at least not right away.

Do you believe it's possible for you to find SOMEONE, way down the road, who could be a decent step mother to your d? Can you see any value to your d seeing a healthy monogamous marriage, with the new improved you as the h?

I know your goal is still reconciling. I get that and I support it. But you do need to plan on being happy, regardless.

What would life look like if you and your w are divorced, but it's a life in which you are happy?

Envision that for a minute and get some details...

I have thought about it. This is my second marriage. My first W also left, for similar reasons actually but I didn't know DB then and blamed her until very recently. Fortunately, there weren't any children in my 1st marriage and we each went our different ways, no harm done.

I was single for a few years with the occasional relationship and one day I got over my 1st W and was happy by myself. A few months later, I met my W and the rest is history (literally).

I know that there is life after divorce and I know I'm handsome, interesting, fit, funny and smart enough for my age to attract a woman probably much younger than myself if I wanted to. My hope for happiness isn't pinned on my wife though (well, it probably still is a bit) but as you say, it's pinned (or should be) on me and that is why I'm trying to switch the focus back to me at this point.

Thanks so much for your comments 25,