Searching, trying - still going, but how?

[Denver_2010]

Denver,

Thanks again for your advice. I don't mind you being so direct, on the contrary, I appreciate it. I'd rather someone be honest and give me a dose of reality than sugar coat it for me.

I agree with much of what you say, but have a couple of things I'd like to expand on. (See my comments in bold below...)

YOU NEED TO BEGIN TO LIVE LIFE AGAIN. For you, for your future... for your kids.

I agree with you 100%. No if's or but's...

1. Figure out how you are going to support yourself and your children. If you have to start looking for a new job, do it. You are a single mother now. That [censored], but again, it is reality.

My kids are very, very young and I want to stay at home until S1 goes to kindergarten. My H made a very, very good living and I expect that he will find a comparable job. Obviously if I have to go back to work before then, I will, but my priority is my kids, even if I sacrifice my lifestyle for a few years. One of my biggest mistakes was to neglect my M and family because of work and I won't make the same mistake again. With my H leaving, everything changed and I cannot also leave and have a nanny raise our kids through these difficult times, specially at their age where they can't really comprehend a lot of what is going on.

I have retained a L and based on the laws of CA, I could receive not only child support but also alimony based on the length of our M. With that, I can afford to stay home for a few years. After that, I do plan to go back to work. I have done it all my life and I actually enjoy working very much.


2. Start putting yourself out there. Start dating. You don't have to look at anything seriously. Just go out and have fun. Enjoy some male company. There are lots of nice guys out there KG. Open yourself up to being treated nicely.

I realize that this is probably in my future somewhere down the road. Yet I am nowhere near ready for this - I just don't find it remotely appealing or feel emotionally ready - unfortunately I still love my H very much. On the other hand, I am still married and don't believe in dating while I am. I know this is very old-fashioned, but that is just part of my value system.

Yet, as per my exchange with Acc, I agree that I need to get some of my needs fulfilled and recognize the need to socialize more and establish deeper connections with friends and relatives that can help me feel better about myself.

3. Stop letting your H's actions and words affect you. One of my favorite phrases of all time is "like water off a duck's back"... I said it to myself many times in the past 2 years.

- Work towards being DONE with this... begin to look towards the future.

Yes - it's all about the elusive detachment... Intellectually I get it, I just need to be in control of my emotions. That's where DBing comes in - Going dim, GAL, acting as if until one day I can wake up and realize I am there. As I said, I have gone through periods where I get stronger and closer, but then set myself up with unrealistic expectations, backslide and fail.

- I would follow through with the D. I'm sorry to say that, and I don't say it very often here. You have been doing this for a long time and your H has shown no intention of changing the course he is on.

The D WILL happen. There is nothing I can do to stop it and am not trying to at this point. There is no question that this is what my H wants. We will do a collaborative process where both agree to forgo litigation. We each have our own lawyer (we have both already retained one). The four of us will then sit down and try to negotiate the terms together, which should save us some money. None of the negotiations have happened yet, I am waiting for H to take the initiative there.

The trick to the collaborative process is that if in the end we don't come to a full agreement, we both have to then hire new lawyers and start all over again with a traditional litigation process. So we could end up spending twice as much. I do hope we can come to an agreement, but based on H's actions and what he initially proposed to me last year, we are worlds apart in what each wants. So we'll see.

- I'm not sure about your tax situation, but look into the 'innocent spouse' exception to the tax code. I don't know if it will help you, but it is there to use under certain circumstances.

I had not heard about that exception, so thanks for suggesting it! I will talk to my accountant about it.

5. Despite all of it though... let the anger go. Do that for yourself. Anger is mostly a useless emotion. It is founded in the true emotion of 'hurt'. Letting this go and detaching will ease this.

This is my #1 goal. Nothing is more important right now than beating this beast. Everything in my life depends on it. I get it and I am working on it. I also realize this will be a lifelong process for me, and as bug pointed out - it's how I have dealt with my emotions all my life and it will take some time to get there. Yet I won't give up. I can't.


Sometimes we have to resort to just saving ourselves and letting the cards fall where they may.

I was DONE. It was not a tactic. I want you to approach it that way too.

And I believe that once you actually take that first step forward, that you will only become stronger, and braver.

Denver, I understand what you are saying. Yet, in your sitch it was easier to take that first step because YOU WERE DONE. Unfortunately, I don't feel that I am done, so it's harder for me to stop the inertia, to break the limbo and to take that first step forward. Yes, there is a lot of fear involved, but I think I understand you - I AM STUCK. I can accept that and I intellectually get that if I don't do something to break out of this rut, I can remain stuck forever.
Believe me - I want to not be stuck. I don't pray to have my M saved, I pray to have the strength and change and to stop caring and detaching.

I am trying and I will not stop doing so. I think it's going back to square one, to the basics. Focus on myself, detach, going dim, GAL...

Denver, Thanks again for your honesty and candor. I needed it and I will come back and re-read your post often to keep me motivated.

You are welcome KG. Again, I commend you for how hard you have fought, and are still fighting, for your M. Regardless of the outcome, you will look back someday and be really proud of what you did during this time.

I completely get being 'stuck'. I was for a very long time. I think that becoming unstuck just takes time. It is different for each of us. It will come for you though. I also get that you are not DONE in the sense that I was when I did what I did. I get that. That also has to come in its own time.

Lastly, I am not trying to push you, or pressure you, into doing anything that you are not ready to do, ie, date etc. I am just trying to give you a nudge forward. I don't want to see anyone spend too much time in the limbo that I was in for so long... that I feel that you are in now.

I do believe that a whole new world will open up for you once you do begin to take those steps forward. And like in my sitch, you just never know what will happen.