MLC w/Depression...withdrawing!

[albamarie]

Hi zig - glad to see your coming back to share again. Thanks for writing. I was doing better, I think I back slided a little.

Some of my older post really show some real progress on my part. I reached a strong point of getting out of my fog, my zombie state, that I have been in for many months.

I'm not back that far but I am at an insecure point where, your right, I need my H love and attention. I really hate it...I was almost to the point of no control.

It's easy to say I really don't want that life back or h, and I do mean it for the most part. It's just so hard to actually go through with it, to really take those steps toward something not h or m related.

I know I am on the right track and feeling the very scary reality of what's ahead otherwise I wouldn't be in such a frenzy!

I've said go, do what you gotta do so many times that it has no meaning. I have even said stop telling me your leaving, he said when he says that it means nothing. So we are stuck!

I did get to that place once before a few weeks back not caring about him, not worrying all day or wondering but really enjoying my day. If I've been there once (and really loved it) I will get there again.

I am going to look into meditation. I have never done it nor can I do yoga, I'm more the ipod run on the treadmill type. But, I think I need to learn how to relax before I react.

Yesterday I was glued to H, talking, crying, and I even knew some things I said were out of habit, I don't mean them anymore. Even to say ILY to him ( i dont) would feel forced, fake. I never say I want him back or to be with me, he just interprets my actions as so. I think my rant is a release in some sort of crazy, self deprecating way that I actually learn from and felt better from in the end.

I'm better today but I learned how much it's the rejection I hate. I also learned it's the fantasy of our forever after I am fighting for, the idea in my head that it was until death do we part, love everlasting.

H is not good today and though I am sorry that I'm the one who pushed him into a depression with him saying he can't believe he's treating me like this, I also don't care because he has options.

I'm a slow work in progress but I am learning every step of the way!

Great to have you back!!!!!!!