Searching, trying - still going, but how?

[keep_going]

Thanks Acc for spending so much time here trying to help me. I really appreciate your input and take it to heart.

Re. the work issue - that's a tough one. We used to have a full time nanny until S1 was born and I understand your arguments about the benefits of having one and agree with you.

The difference in my case is that H and I are not together anymore. My kids don't come home to one household with two parents, they go back and forth between two households and two single parents. They are so young and more than ever need stable, secure and healthy attachments given our situation.

I see them struggling and I don't think I can put that responsibility on a nanny - heck it's hard enough for me. Many times they cannot even verbalize what they are going through, although they know things are not quite normal. My D5 is barely starting to realize that not having both parents living together is NOT the norm and I need to be there to help them verbalize and express what they are feeling. A nanny should not be the one dealing with that.

Part time work is also tough because I would need to earn enough to offset childcare costs for S1 and still make some additional money to make it worth it. Childcare in my area is very, very expensive. So I think I need to stick it out, work on becoming more patient, finding other ways to fulfill my needs and in a few years I can refocus on my career once again.

I agree with you 100% on needing to forge new intimate relationships. I have joined a couple of church-led support groups and am also initiating more play dates with moms that I feel I have some things in common. I have also spent some time today researching some of the local meetup groups in my area and I am going to give one or two a try. I will spend more time on this - I totally see how more and improved relationships and a wider support group will help me in all areas of my recovery and improve my sitch.

What I was doing was not working, so yes, it's time to try something new...