Thank you very much, Tori and MKB, for your advice.
The weird thing is that it's not really that I want to be physical with H, but I want him to show me that he cares. At this point, I'd go for any of the LL. Maybe he does care and I'm missing it.
Sometimes, I reassure myself by getting really basic and asking myself, "Where are H's feet?" He's at home so that has to mean something. Also, if he is still thinking that we should stay together until D15 moves out (and then assess the state of our M), it does give me a good 2.5 yrs to keep DBing.
I think if I were to touch H now, it would be too big a step. I need to fill in with some baby steps first. I think a bit of newness might be a good first step. I'll bring up that restaurant that H was so excited about.
Everything is still on an even keel between us which is a lot more than could be said a few months ago. I need to stay patient.
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
Okay that makes perfect sense. In that case, I think the fact he has been coming home is positive. I think where he helped with the kids the other day was positive. I also like that he spoke about you positively. ALL of these are baby steps. Just stick with it! Just like your change takes a while to become habit so does his! Patience IS indeed the key here. You can do this!
I like your plan, Wendylon. The restaurant outing sounds great. You need to keep your 180's going on a consistent basis. The great thing about this is that you seem to have plenty of time...so if you have patience, there's a lot of hope for improvement.
Wendylon Sounds like what you are doing is WORKING. Applause You are definitely in a different place to when you returned here. Re physical affection. It's getting cold in Blightie - when you next walk to a restaurant could you put your arm through his?
You also mentioned that sometimes he seems indifferent to you. I wonder if sometimes you are indifferent to him as well. Sometimes we get caught up in our Selves or something that we are concentrating on that the other person is less important to us on the outside. On the inside though they remain just as important. Do you think that might be true for your H? You and he may not be so different in terms of this. Just you are focusing on it. Just my thoughts
Thank you so much, MKB, Tori, SK, and Tumbling for dropping by. It's so nice to log on and get your feedback and advice. You really feel as if you're on my support team. Thank you
I'm still amazed at how often you guys manage to update. I must be doing something wrong in my life not to be finding the time. Here are some of my recent activities. S17 had 6 friends over here for dinner last night so that took a fair amount of organising as our oven had broken down. In fact, trying to sort out the oven (an old-fashioned storage oven has taken hours and hours). I had to ferry chicken wings etc.. from my sister's. I took S13 swimming today. Saw a friend this afternoon, did house errands and bought food. Hung out a bit with D15 after her netball tournament. Talked with S13's carer. I'm trying to sort out temporary housing (in my brother's flat) for one of S13's carers who is having terrible marital troubles. It's nothing very exciting but it all takes up time. H did pick D15 up from her tournament and then went to a football game with my nephew. That's about the extent of his activities!
The moustache party is 24 Nov so not for a couple of weeks. Thanks for asking, Tumbling. I've yet to get an answer from H about what time we need to leave home.
PA still seems so far away... I did notice last night though that he doesn't seem to be sleeping so close to his side of the bed anymore. He comes a bit closer to my side. That is barely a baby step though. At one point last night, I was crouched down on the kitchen floor trying to light the pilot light on our oven and he snapped my underwear (my trousers had ridden down a bit so it was visible). It seemed a bit playful and out of character compared to how he's been recently. Tiny baby step?
Today wasn't great in that he was very short with me over an IT question I was asking him. I said, why are you being so aggressive about answering my question. He said because you know the answer and you're just being lazy. I didn't know the answer and felt annoyed because he's clueless 1000 times a day. In fact, at 10 am he asked how D15 was getting to netball. I said, as calmly as possible, that she'd left at 7 am in a mini-cab. How could someone supposedly intelligent be out to lunch so much of the time?
He and I did have supper together tonight (D15 and S17 were both at parties and S13 had been fed by carer earlier) but he did his thing of just getting up and leaving the table when he'd finished. I end up sitting alone in the kitchen finishing my meal. It just seems so rude and inconsiderate. He did suggest we watch The Good Wife but again leapt up and was out of the room in a flash the second it was finished. I hate how he runs out and 'abandons' me. He did call out to me a bit of current affairs news while I was still eating and he was back on his laptop in his study. He can be so narcissistic.
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
I just went down to the kitchen to check on our oven. Sure enough, the pilot light had gone out again. H took his time to come out of his study and help me turn it back on. He never would have checked it off his own bat.
As I went downstairs, I walked by H's study and, infuriatingly, he'd switched his laptop onto its pebbled image desktop (I can see the reflection in his window). What on earth is he doing on his laptop the whole time? Why does he switch to his desktop mode when he hears me come down the stairs? He's been spending more time at home recently. Is POW away and are they communicating?
Back to the question of how H spends his time: he's hardly seen S13 today and hasn't gone out of his way to go upstairs and hang out with him at all. The only child he's spent any time with at all is D15 and yet I do know that he's crazy about all of them. I don't think that the amount of time he spends with someone is proportional to the intensity of his affection towards them and yet I do feel hurt that he so rarely seeks me out in the house.
Last night, he had to pick up an American non-dual teacher and take her to the place where she was giving her talk. He then dropped her off afterwards and told me how he was telling her about S17 having friends over for supper. I was amazed that he talked to this woman about it since he seems to hardly notice what's going on when he's at home. It's as if he's more interested in the stories than the actual goings on. He's wondering if we should have this woman over for supper this week. She's missing an arm and I'm wondering if S13 might say something like "arm". H says she would be fine with it. Anyway, I'm already feeling a bit as if he wants us to look like more of a couple to her than we are in the same way that he looks like a more involved father than he actually is.
He does yet another thing that drives me crazy. Sometimes when I arrive home and he has been at home, he asks me whether or not the kids are at home. I feel like shouting at him and saying that he's the one home and I've been out so surely he's better placed than I am to know. It's not as if we live in a huge house or anything (just on lots of floors). He can be so clueless. I'm trying really hard not to show my irritation about these sorts of things at the moment. I've got irritated for 22 years and the frequency of his irritating behaviours did not diminish so irritation was not working. I just wish DBing would yield results faster. It's not that I'm expecting DBing to change him miraculously but it does feel like quite a slog. Sometimes, I just don't think I like H that much
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
Sorry you feel this way today, Wendylon. Can you come up with a list of things you LIKE about your H? Don't focus on what's missing so much, but on what is good about him. Let's see what you come up with...
