Sandi2 warned me to expect worse in my last thread and I have been picturing certain events and how I will react. This one caught me out as it was from a time before W has said there were issues. But ur right it does not change the plan. I am not going to read stuff in future either. Even though the box fell out I could have just as easily put the emails and letters back without reading anything. Talk about set yourself up for a fall!
I am starting to understand what she must be going through. This forum helps with that and I am doing my research - understanding what I am dealing with helps. We talk but mostly day to day type stuff. She occasionally drops in something about herself, like her wondering if she is premenopausal but will usually clam up and change the subject quickly. Never asks how I am etc but she has been generally nicer. Like she respects me more through thanking me, showing signs of appreciation and there have been no spews for a couple of weeks now. She still asks for my direction on certain matters which is good.
She tells me more about her day - although generally to do with her house. I find talking about her place difficult and she has not invited me to see it yet.
So on the respect side, I think I am making v small ground. But the connection is a tough one esp with OM. I am trying to give her all the space I can at the moment, validate where I can and keep going with my 180s so they become part of me. This will be a v long one!
Re what I want - yes, I need some time - S will help with that.
Yes I read all the letters. He was her 1st love, she met him via fb and it went from there. No evidence of PA other than they were planning to meet. She made the contact via facebook and it appears initiated the sexual talk. Started with reminiscing and then progressed.
However, in the last message it is W saying we can at least meet up for a drink - there is no harm in that at least. But there may have been messages missing. Not sure what happened.
Her sister also told me a while back that W and this guy had bumbed into each other fairly recently.
Thanks for the hugs sandi. I do agree re her needing C
I like the connection route myself. If we loose that with our spouse it seems all too easy to move on. Although, I understand that may be difficult to do when one spouse is invested in an affair. Still, it seems like the best chance to fix things to me.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Thanks I am not disagreeing with ur method. Ur approach seems the right one for ur sitch and I do want to get a connection. But when W is fighting to get away it is all she's interested in. Again, referring to an earlier post of sandis she is fighting for her happiness. She sees the block to that as me. She is going to have to realise that happiness comes from within and I can't control her emotions. Maybe then she will realise and if I am that light if she does come crashing down, she may turn to me and we may be able to build something new, but then again no guarantees.
My overriding feeling now is that I have to let her do this herself to give us any chance. I need to keep GAL and doing 180s.
I really like the last thing you've written on your post:
Originally Posted By: rkyfat73
My overriding feeling now is that I have to let her do this herself to give us any chance. I need to keep GAL and doing 180s
I need to do the same myself.
I'm sorry about your latest EA discovery. I can see how unsettling that would be but you seem to have bounced back really quickly and are clear about what you need to do.
Thank you for describing your S12's difficulties more. (By the way, my S is 13 and not 12. I'm amazed I got his age wrong in a previous post of mine.) There are many similarities between our sons. I'm glad your S12 has improved since changing schools. S13 is at an autism-specific school with 1 to 1 teaching but the downside is that he is surrounded by other children with severe challenging behaviours. S13 can request his favourite things but has very little understanding and also needs constant supervision. I hope you've not been having the difficulties we have with direct payments, etc..
Originally Posted By: rkyfat73
But when I got home from work W brought it up, said she has not been sleeping well, waking up sweaty a few times a night etc but no change in her cycle.
I have the same symptoms as your W. I really don't know of a good book on the topic nor do I have a solution except to wear sports clothes to bed that wick so that I don't have to change my bedclothes in the night because of them being wet. I hope that's not too much information!
Good luck, rkyfat, and keep it up. You really sound as if you're doing good DBing.
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
Its good to hear from someone with special needs S. It adds another level to the already difficult sitch. Although it feels like I am getting to know my S all over again. Sure I spent time with him, but I am spending a lot more time with him and doing more things on our own without W. Its really giving me a confidence boost as are the other tasks I have taken on around the house. In a twisted way I am enjoying being in control of all other aspects of my life except my M.
My GAL thing is just starting to take shape and is probably the bit I am finding harder because I am busy with everything else. But it is taking shape and xmas season is actually helping in that aspect. Parties to go to etc
Finances are getting sorted so another good bit of news and I got a �200 tax rebate thru on Friday :):)
Research into MLC has also been v good for me. It helps me detach because I am understanding more from her perspective. Although I am still far from detached at the moment I am finding MLC an interesting subject:)
But I know I am still up and down inside and use these boards to get a lot of it out of the system. If I get it out here then I can dust myself off and carry on! The advice has also been priceless.
Thanks again for the support and I promise I will have a detailed look at your sitch.
PMA a lot better today. Works been good to take my mind off everything (rather than everything distract me from work!)....and its surprising what a workout does for the mind! My bodys never had it so good
W seems a bit more distant and down. She is not hanging around when I get home from work, she asks if I mind if she goes to her place and I say no problem. I am liking the space as well. Relationship with S is blossoming because of it and my confidence continues to grow with him. I wonder if I am overprotecting him from what is about to happen as he does not understand the sitch. But the main thing is to keep him happy especially while the move takes place.
W has said they are aiming to move this weekend. Still not sure how I will feel until it happens, relieved in some ways, whilst obviously gutted. But I know it will do us both good in the long run and thats what I need to focus on....its all for the greater good.....right? Sure W will be ok but worried how S will handle it. But I can play my part as best as I can.
She mentioned menopause again this am before I went to work. I just acknowledged her and am struggling to handle these conversations. I said she should get herself checked out once before and dont want to repeat myself (because it could be controlling or pressure?). I do want to support her somehow - just not sure how.
I have a pre-arranged night out this Friday with some ex work colleagues and W is going to look after son as I will be staying overnight at my sisters - she has a flat in the city I am going out in and we are going for breakfast saturday morning. Looking forward to it as I havent seen my old work colleagues for a year now. Most are working somewhere else as well so will be great to see them and catch up, good food and a few beers:):).
I promised myself I wldnt get caught up with W behaviour but cld do with some assistance.
I see v little of her at the moment. She seems to be avoiding me in the evenings. Like she can't get out of the house quick enough when I arrive home from work. Has anyone who has gone thru S had this?
The strange thing is in the mornings W is full of conversation! She always starts up conversations. This morning she thanked and appreciated me keeping on top of the laundry, looking after S etc. She said she really appreciates what I have been doing. Yet I know within 30 mins of me getting home this evening she will vanish to work on her place. Yet she slips up with jobs she has beeen doing. For example she said ages ago she was doing painting S room. Yet last night she said she had been painting S room. She has done this a lot and wonder how much work actually needed doing?
She also this am said she would transfer all of her benefit money into the joint account to help out. This completely took me by surprise! She has gone from her money is her own, that she wants her own money, wants independence etc to now offering to put her money in the joint account????
She is also raising menopause on a daily basis and this am told me both her sisters are on HRT.
Another thing I noticed is she started listening to a lot of my music and bands she never previously liked. She is in my itunes accounting burning tunes and has started to take my CDs out of the car for her own. Some of the bands she previously hated!
I know a lot of this I focussing on W etc etc and I shldnt - but she is a strange one.
The spewing has also well and truly diverted to her mum now!! Which is good for me - not good for MIL Again has anyone else seen this before - where the spewing at spouse stops and someone else gets it instead?
I am actually feeling pretty good at the moment and some of W behaviour is making me smile. It is also looking like her planned move date of sunday will be delayed! She hinted at this this am as well.
Forgot to mention I started a new bedtime routine with S which is working v well and he seems to be sleeping in a bit more!! W said she can't believe it!! And is so pleased that instead of his 5am wake ups it is now 6.30 - 7am. Again, she is praising me to his school for this. (He has a home school diary so school can let us know about his day and we can let school know about his evening).
Had a great night out last night with old work mates. W agreed to watch S and I stayed over at sisters. Got to bed at 5.30am and danced for 1st time in ages! I'm too old for this:) but it did me the world of good.
Got back home n thanked W for watching S. She said no problem, we do it between us n hopes it will always be like that. A simple no prob wld have been suffice. Felt like she had to put a reminder of the sitch at the end of it!
W did not stay at home long before going to her place. Said she will spend the night there - that she has to do it sometime. Seems to be turning into a staged move. She has not started sorting/packing any of her or S things yet she is supposed to be moving out tomorrow. She was tearful as she left.
Slacked a bit on the gym these last 2 days as been busy with work, S and keeping on top of house.
