Argh. So basically I found out there were 4 break ins on my road in the last week. I mean within 1/16th of a mile. I went to H dad (next door) to tell them. We have 2- 4wheelers sitting outside. I said those need put up- they are stealing them too. Nothing out of the way. He says- Will you allow me to? Of course, he was snide. I said Of course, why wouldn't I? Well all you want to do is fight with me. Next thing I know he is screaming I didn't really get mad I did get sort of hateful though. I said it really would be nice if you didn't base your feelings of me on what other people are saying to get you riled up. He started laughing at me. Calling me stupid. Accusing me of fighting. As I said, I still hadn't raised my voice or anything he was shouting. I said I am not fighting or shouting even flat tone. Finally, I said (this is the mean part) You know she and her family are notorious trash. I guess I should feel sorry for you because actually you're just pitiful and walked away.
That was not good. I let myself be baited yet again. I did better than my previous self but not good.
You did better than previously that's good But he does rattle you, doesn't he?
Some questions: When do you feel the rise in you - what's the specific trigger? If you can identify that you can maybe say to your Self next time - here it comes, I'm feeling xxx but this time I will 180 the reaction. What would he least expect you to do? Go silent? No explanation one word answers? Plan something for the next time.
Do you think he likes getting reactions? The way you describe the interaction it seems he goads you for them.
If your boundaries are going to work for your own self-respect, I think you will need to walk away when the inner tension starts and definitely not "give" in on seeing the kids in future. Believe me, MKB, I know it's easier said than done
As he was leaving D10 comes in and says I guess we will see him next Sat. So I stopped him- Did you want to see them next Sat and he said no. I didn't say that. I said I would get their gifts to them. Apparently he has other plans. I feel compelled to say again. What a d!ckhead.
I didn't allow myself to be baited again and I had to interact with him several times. He was moving things into the storage building closer to the house due to all the thefts and I asked would you like some help? He told me no. He cut his hand and I asked would you like a band aid? Again he told me no. While I was in the building I saw my xmas tree sitting there but the stand was lost last year then we found it again of course in Jan. Anyway I asked do you remember what we did with that tree stand? Kids are wanting to get the tree up early. He ignored me. Daughter asked and he answered her.
Later I did ask- are you always going to be mad at me? He countered with are you always going to make me mad? I just didn't even respond. No point. Could someone seriously think they will never feel angry in a relationship? Duh.
It is his tone of voice and the snide things he says. It's like talking to a 15 yr old with a chip on their shoulder. It's maddening. He does goad me for the reaction. It is exactly what I said before- that is his proof of how awful I am. It's interesting that he is gone and oh so happy and still he does it every single time I see him or talk to him. Every single time. I strongly suspect he isn't as happy as he thought he was going to be. Good. I hope things continue on their wonderful trajectory. I need to keep detaching.
Not once did I shout or raise my voice or really get into the emotional stuff. So that IS an improvement.
Tumbling that's great! How interesting. I think I will just even say that to him from now on. lol I said I think it is on Friday then no that's our anniversary. Well cool- I get the whole day with them then!
No, don't say - how interesting - I'd feel patronised if someone did that when I was getting worked up. It would rile me further.
Why did you ask him if he is always going to get mad w you? What answer were you wanting other than the one you got?
They say MLC is sometimes like teenaging. It's that frontal lobe thing.
Perhaps he goads you to confirm he was right in moving out? And you constantly reassure him of his choice due to your actions
Just my thoughts...
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
I have no idea why I asked. I guess because we seemed to be doing so well then she moved in and it went to crap. I am irritated with his lack of being able to see what is right in front of him. He does goad me for that very reason. I am going to stop engaging. I won't say that either. I think through the holidays at least I am just going to avoid him whenever I can. No asking things, no anything. That was working well for me. Allowed me to calm down.
Your recent interactions with your H sound pretty volatile and dramatic. It sounds exhausting and painful for both of you. Were the two of you also relating like that pre BD or last time he had an A? I think Tumbling's guess at what might be going on could be true:
Originally Posted By: Tumbling
Perhaps he goads you to confirm he was right in moving out? And you constantly reassure him of his choice due to your actions
It does sound as if he is really good at baiting you. I'm curious about whether he did the same thing six years ago with the first bomb? Was your DBing any different then?
We need to keep biting our tongue. It's hard.
It's great that you didn't raise your voice in your last interaction. Keep building on that, MKB. You've done it before, you can do it again--good DBing that is.
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
