first time need help - still (new thread?)

[albamarie]

I'm so glad to hear from you! Good that you ok and back in your element.

Your words sound like mine a few months back about H. Your reaching an acceptance point were you see that this is him now, and you may not/need him anymore.

It was a good feeling when I got to that point. But, be careful of those back slides they really hurt and that's when you go a little batty depending you how you handle it!

It's funny you say your h is not ''cute'' any more even when he's trying. I see that too, when I look at h with these new eyes he fashioned for me, he is not cute and even down right ugly at times!

They really put a neon sign on their heads saying look at me while I show you all my faults so you can see that I am an ugly man.

I don't have friends to confide in, your right. At this point I would settle for someone to have lunch with and not even discuss H. I really miss all my guy friends, they were the absolute best friends I ever had. My best guy friend (old boy friend) from my teens died 3yrs ago, I miss him like hell.

He loved my h and pushed me to marry him trusting he was a great guy (which he was, then) as did my cousins and closest friends.

Today he would have opened his home to me asking me to stay, relax, retreat and have a beer while watching football. He would have said "i love you" hugged me, held me tight and make me feel like that 17yr old who left home and found that sometimes a stranger can treat you better than your own family!

I have always loved guys as friends...they don't hold sh!t it just rolls of their backs. Not mine though he has to embrace every neg. thing that comes his way these days.

Someone wrote on my thread that she (and I can see ME) spends to much time looking for h's love, needing his love and attention. It's funny how much I do need his expectancy, love, understanding, and kindness. From HIM? I am an educated, youngish, not bad looking, sweet person, why do I need his attention, approve, to feel good?

I think it's because I put so many yrs (suppose to be for life) into our r that its the rejection that drives me crazy, because when he's not being all rejecty I have a better day, stronger minded, like I could move on.

I would love a scone & raspberry jam is my favorite. At night we could make strawberry frozen drinks (im learning to drink) and watch movies that show hansom guys being sweet.

I hate that he ''can't move out'' I think I could easier than him. Take my car, my daughter, get a small apt. work and be free. He stays here pays the same bills nothing would change for him. If he leaves he would have to pay everything here plus his new life.

Plus, I have been wanting to move for 6yrs now. I hate staying in one place! I don't even want to be in Il. any more. I hate the weather and Chicago is soo over priced just go get dinner and park.

My mom was born in NY, and I have family in Allen town PA. I tried it 27yrs ago but I think the SW,W is where my heart belongs.

How do we cut the rope, drop the rope, get away from them already. She also asked me if I would want him back, my life back and the answer is truly no. Not at all like he is, or even was, now I see it would never be good enough now. So what am I holding on too, crying about, sad for.......!

I can't figure it out! It must be so much easier to have a million dollars and just buy yourself freedom, an escape, and some damb sunshine on a beach!

Hey do you live by the beach? We had a house in Avon park Fl. yrs ago, it had a lake w/ducks! My friend is in ClearWater, we visited her in Jan and the weather was great. Try to live every moment happy!!!!!!