The Lure of the Siren

[25yearsmlc]

I guess deep inside, I am embarrassed because it turns out she isn't the perfect person I thought she was.

THAT is it right there ^^^. Exactly what you need to come to terms with. It is what is at the heart of every action you take Arsene.
But you are protecting her. You are protecting her from the people that you know, and you are protecting her from your D.

I agree with Chatter that you need to stop protecting her.

That doesn't mean publicly humiliating her. It means just being upfront about the situation. Let her deal with the repercussions of that.

While I agree that he should stop being in denial AND that it's not great for his d, (b/c what d8 NEEDS to know is that Arsene and SHE will be fine no matter what. It seems as if all hope for happiness is pinned on what wife does. NOT GOOD for d, or Arsene...)


But I also think part of the reason he's not telling others is HIS PRIDE IS WOUNDED...he's embarrassed that she rejected him....Who likes saying "My wife left me b/c I was very hard to live with, she told me to change but I didn't. And now she's got OM". I mean, isn't that also a possibility?

For me, I was embarrassed about my W's actions too. I felt fooled as well.

How I handled it. I was open with everyone, including SS and my D, about the status of things. Just the bare bones. I did not offer details. I did not seek to embarrass my W or put her on the defensive. I was just honest. And if anyone ever criticized her to my face, I did defend her. I did take the heat for why we were separated. But after a while, I got sick of defending her. Instead, I learned to just politely excused myself from the conversation.

The bottom line is this. It is not your job to protect your w from ANYONE about the choices that she makes. It is also not your job to make anyone judge her in any particular way. IMO, you should be open and honest about the facts, but let people come to their own conclusions. What that means for you W is, quite frankly, her problem to deal with.

If you live your life well, focus on you and your D, and continue to make the right choices, it won't matter what other people know... even if you reconcile.

I have had to deal with the natural negative backlash against my W since our reconciliation. All I say is this, 'if I can forgive her, then, as my [insert relationship, friend, mom etc], you will forgive her as well.'

You deal with that when, if, the time comes. And it can be done if you are just upfront with people about what is going on and your feelings about it (even if your feelings are 'I don't want to talk about it').

^^^ this makes sense to me.

But in my sitch, I found that the more folks who knew details that reflected poorly on my h, the harder it was for ME to hear their input.


And I fear that if my h knew what others had said, he would not have the same r's with them that he does now.

So YES I protected him b/c it would have made it harder on ME and HIM and our kids to reconcile.

He was welcomed back into the family in part b/c I did protect him---NOT BECAUSE I wanted to protect HIM, per se, but to help the "cause". Hope that makes sense.

Finally, I told my youngest that "we're going to be fine no matter what" and that HER happiness was my priority b/c they're the most important people in my life. I'd describe how her life was going to be stable and good, regardless... In OUR sitch, that meant no sudden moving away or leaving her friends or school behind.

In YOUR sitch, Arsene, it sounds as if a move doesn't bother your d. She said she wanted to move or change schools??? So, whatever it takes so she knows there's going to be a roof over her head & and food on the table, and you, then she'll feel reassured.

***BUT I fear that if your w gets financially stable, SHE'LL take your d. Right now you both are living paycheck to paycheck, right? How stressful.

Since she gets custody there, IF she wants it, we have to ask why she has not.

Isn't the single biggest reason she does not have custody,a financial one?

So, what's to stop her from finding financial support from OM (or a new OM) and then taking d back?

I don't see her as preventing you from seeing d, but once SHE is established, why would she still have d with you?

And then what? Hoping for the best but preparing for the worst, is key here.

Do you believe it's possible for you to find SOMEONE, way down the road, who could be a decent step mother to your d? Can you see any value to your d seeing a healthy monogamous marriage, with the new improved you as the h?

I know your goal is still reconciling. I get that and I support it. But you do need to plan on being happy, regardless.

What would life look like if you and your w are divorced, but it's a life in which you are happy?

Envision that for a minute and get some details...

And if you won't even let yourself THINK of that, it's a lot harder to not obsess about your w b/c you are pinning ALL your hopes of happiness in the future on her. BUT you are the person in charge of and responsible for, your happiness.