He's Just Not That Into You

[scaredsilly]

how many things are you letting him "know nicely" aren't cool? when you let him know that your prefer veggie pizza, that's a backhand way of telling him he fell short.

if you're not able to pick off the toppings he selects and just end up with a cheese pizza, maybe you should call the pizza place ahead of his trip, order what you want, tell them you have a coupon, and then send him.

there are so many things to be grateful for about that evening and yet, you were disappointed and let him know it. it would also have been a good time to show your S that even if things aren't exactly how we would like them, we have so much to be thankful for.

as for the dishes, i know you want him to do them. i know he's agreed to do them. is this the hill you die on?

[mamabird]

SS, it didn't really go that way. I understand what you are saying about letting him know I wasn't happy. It's a fine line I think. Because if you pretend everything is alright and it isnt, that's not good either. Yes, you're probably right about ordering it myself. But that can be emasculating too.

About the dishes. No, it's not the hill I want to die on but it's not turning into that either. My H doesn't take a lot of responsibility or initiative around the house in general. Last week I asked him to go to the hardware store and texted him a list. He came back with one thing and forgot about the list. This kind of thing happens routinely and it's frustrating.

I try not to get upset but every so often I do, especially if I am getting no support from H emotionally or otherwise. It is very difficult to sustain this day in, day out. It feels very unfair. I try to give my H small manageable tasks. I asked him to be the "steward" of the boys room and so far he hasn't embraced that either. So this is what I am dealing with and have been for a long time. It's getting old.

[scaredsilly]

Yes, I can imagine. It's the way he is. Has he ever been better?

[mamabird]

I think there was more effort in the earlier years. Plus it didn't matter as much before kids. But over the years, it's gotten harder. I had cancer, we had 2 little ones, jobs got stressful. That's why so many marriages run into trouble around year 8,9,10. That's when the going gets tough.

I'll say that since we had that little chat yesterday, things seem to have improved. I don't feel so angry and he has let up a little bit. I went to bed asking the universe for help and woke up feeling we needed to talk. And it helped a lot.

[2chiquitos]

Hi RegretfulLA,
I'm curious if you started looking for an MC. With the conversation you both had yesterday, it helps to have a 3rd person peel some layers off and expose some rawness. KWIM?
Take care

[mamabird]

Yeah. We're going Monday. H chose the guy. We'll see... I need someone who will really get involved and help us set a road map.

[MKB23]

I don't mean to upset you but some of this I still sort of feel like you are controlling and then get upset when he doesn't do what you want. I know you say he isn't responsible but what exactly would he need to do to make you feel otherwise? I am sort of feeling like this is more about you than him. Acts of Service may be your LL
You may want to touch on this in counseling. Acts of service is my LL and really I can get all kinds of mad if things are not done. Especially if I was told they would be.

[Wendylon]

Hi Regretful,

I can relate so much to your sitch (H coming home with the 'wrong' pizza, H only remembering one thing on the list, H not doing dishes, H not helping with getting kids to tidy...), I'm still not convinced though that those are things worth fighting over at the moment. I agree with SS's reaction.

My H has never been great at those things and like yours, he's even worse at them now. He doesn't even clear up in the kitchen after he's made himself a snack. If I'm lucky, he'll have put his plate and some of the dirty stuff close to the sink but never in the dishwasher. And he NEVER empties the dishwasher if it's full. It is infuriating, but I suggest you let those things go for now. Do the dishes because you like to see a clean kitchen. They don't care enough. We care more. Also, I'd let go of wanting him to be the steward of the boys' room. It doesn't sound like his thing at all.

I'm not saying that there will never be a time to address these issues but it doesn't feel as if he has enough good will at the moment for you to be expecting him to make an effort in these ways. Him just being at home is probably a huge effort for him. I'd cut him some slack if you can do it without building up too much resentment.

Can you get emotionally nourished elsewhere (not an EA) so that you're not so dependent on your H (for now)?

It's so easy for me to say all this looking at your sitch but really hard for me to put into practice myself. It is really interesting though for me to read your posts because it allows me to see a situation similar to mine but with more detachment than I see my own.

I know the temptation of having a heart to heart with my H and telling him how I feel but I think the benefits of that are usually very short-lived. I try to resist that now as much as possible. For me it's a cheeseless tunnel. Like you, I thinks Acts of Service are v important to me. As I said earlier, I don't think now is a great time to ask for them though.

Hang in there and good luck!

[mamabird]

I don't mean to upset you but some of this I still sort of feel like you are controlling and then get upset when he doesn't do what you want. I know you say he isn't responsible but what exactly would he need to do to make you feel otherwise? I am sort of feeling like this is more about you than him. Acts of Service may be your LL.

H definitely feels I am controlling. MWD says that people who perceive others as controlling need to stand up for themselves a little more! But yes, I can be controlling.

What would he need to do to make me think he's responsible? Start taking initiative. Do things right the first time. Clean up around here. Make sure his car door is closed and the car is locked (I arrived home 12:30 am tonight, and the back door to his car was ajar. We live in a medium crime neighborhood). Need I go on? This is an issue that probably won't get resolved. Acts of Service is DEFINITELY my LL, but that's all so back burner right now.

I'm not saying that there will never be a time to address these issues but it doesn't feel as if he has enough good will at the moment for you to be expecting him to make an effort in these ways. Him just being at home is probably a huge effort for him. I'd cut him some slack if you can do it without building up too much resentment.

I agree with this wholeheartedly. It's not even just the good will portion - he does help when I ask him to - it's more the capability. The dude is carrying around prescriptions for Lexipro, Xanax, Ambien and some other thing and he needs these to function. Not sure how often he takes the Ambien but he goes through the Xanax pretty quickly. He is in no position to be running the show around here. I will say, in his defense, that he managed the renovation of our whole house last year. It came out really nicely for the most part. Sure, a few doors don't have doorknobs and we don't have much closet space (he kind of screwed that one up), but overall he did great, so it's not like he's not capable. He just doesn't put in effort when he doesn't feel like it.

Can you get emotionally nourished elsewhere (not an EA) so that you're not so dependent on your H (for now)?

If anyone has any ideas about how to accomplish this, I'm all ears. I love my children and my friends but it is not enough for me.

***********
We did have a pretty good day, all in all. 2 soccer games, and then we all went to lunch with my father after the second one. 2 months ago this never would have happened, so I was grateful - and I think the lunch went well. On the way home we played "animal 20 questions" and my H was teasing me because he knew the animal I was thinking of (that S was trying to guess) and started throwing out some very obvious clues.

After a little nap (H "lets" me nap on the bed even if he's in there), we went to a party our friends were having to raise funds for Sandy relief. They are from NY and the whole thing was NY themed. It was really fun. H received the invitation, I did not, so I guess that made it his call whether to have me come along or not. We had a good time. H was not overly friendly nor overly standoffish. Just basically neutral, which is his new way of being. Actually it's not that different from how he's been over the past 5 years, which is how we ended up here.

After that I did some GAL and went to see Argo with a friend. I really wanted to see it and would have gone alone gladly. She is not much of a "suspense" movie person so I was grateful she put that aside for me.

[Wendylon]

I'm really glad you had a pretty good day yesterday, Regretful. It does sound as if there were quite a few positives.

Having told you that ideally you would find emotional nourishment from another source than your H, I feel in exactly the same sitch. I don't know where to find it and feel hard done by today. I'll be following your sitch to get ideas from you.

Like your H, my H is also on a cocktail of drugs (Zyban, Duloxetine) and I think you make a really good point when you say that it's not just a question of good will but also of capability. When I read about your H, I do think that you're not going to be able to get him to change much so that it's mainly a matter of what you can live with. Of course, there can be some progress but the bottom line is that he is unlikely to become someone who does nourish you to the extent that you would like.

Glad you went to see a film. Hope today goes well too for you.