Limbo Land

[jzoom]

Alright, I see why I've been told DB is hard when there's no marriage to begin with, with no committment. Since there's no standing committment it makes me feel more and more like I'm being taken advantage of. If I try to act like there is a committment then I chase and smother her and she just feels pressed.

My friend told me that GF has said to her, "if he really loved me he would just let me and the kids do whatever we want" in regards to the car. That I would put zero limitations on it and ask no questions.

I really pushed the boundaries yesterday b/c I don't know how much more I can take, for my own good. I told GF that the only time she has said she isn't my GF is in the heat of the moment, during an arguement. She still wouldn't give me an answer when I brought it up and I huffily told her that I just can't get an answer outside of the heat of the moment.

We talked on the phone later on in the day and she said to me that I keep bringing it up and she said it during an arguement. I said that she keeps reminding me and she says, "you broke up with me" but then I had to get off the phone b/c of work.

So later on still she says we can text about it. So I tell her that I said it in the heat of the moment and I didn't mean it, and I'm sorry. She says that I still said it and I reply that I didn't mean it. So I tell her that if she's taken it to heart and we are just roommates then we need to figure out roommate boundaries. Otherwise, I'm telling her that I un-breakup with her and want her to be my GF and that we make a committment to work through all of this. I ask her if we are roommates or if she's my GF.

She tells me that she doesn't know right now. I wait awhile and ask if she'll talk to me about it since she said she would. She tells me that she's spending time with her family, she doesn't have an answer, and I just keep pushing and coming at her with it.

I've been dark with her since. I knew she wasn't going to be at home last night and won't be home tonight but I made plans for tonight anyway.

After doing more thinking and talking with my friend more we are realizing just how depressed she is. GF has expressed to friend how she's on the brink of mental breakdown and wishes things would just end but knows she needs to stay alive for the kids. She has at times expressed the same kind of stuff to me.

So I went through the "Dealing with the Depressed Spouse" chapter of DR again. Since GF is primarily blaming me for the depression I'm mentally going to try and not take things so personally. I'm also trying to figure out how to get her help since neither of us have insurance and she can't pay herself.