SSM is painful position to find yourself in, MMSLP is a healthy approach to ensuring healthy relationship interactions for a male. I wonder what the similar material would be for a woman?
I'm happy to see that there are woman who appreciate when their significant other gets into a stronger and sustainable position. What I did not like from the readings, how they can detest a male who has gotten beaten down in life and hold him with contempt. We can all get beaten down, and it would be hard pill for most of us to swallow that if we slip into a weaker position that our significant other will join in on issuing damage to us.
Nice and need to become a hunter again? Yeah, I get the logic, and there is some truth to it depending on the woman. But this all still smacks of the logic that any woman, no matter how uninterested in sex, will want sex if ONLY the man behaves in the right way. Ergo, the man is always the problem.
But if you're posting here and your wife is not interested in fixing the problem, then you're alone in trying to fix it, so the logic makes sense in that context.
It just amazes me that otherwise intelligent women can sometimes be so stupid when it comes to sex. Of all the activities that a married couple participate in, sex is probably completely unique in being the sole activity that you are strongly committed to NOT doing with anyone else. So why is it that otherwise intelligent women don't seem to understand that you're really obligated to give sex special consideration with your spouse?
And just to be "fair and balanced" here, ha ha, let me observe that men can be just as stupid too, such as refusing to see the doctor about ED when the wife wants an intimate relationship.
I also think the definition of "cheating" in a marriage needs to be expanded to include withholding sex from your partner. If you shut your partner off, you are cheating them out of a basic life experience. Which is why I'm hesitant to judge people, like politicians, who are caught "cheating" on their spouses. The real story may be very different from what it appears.
Two related things are very difficult to undue if you are the HD partner in a sexless marriage.
First, there is the expectation that there will be sex within the marriage relationship. As noted above, this is both an explicit and implicit exclusive part of the R.
Second, w/i the sexual context, there is an expectation that sexual frequency and intensity will meet some sufficiency level. These are often conflated. You can have the first expectation met without the second. You cannot have the second without the first.
And for some women, not even the threat of "losing" their partner (and I don't mean the explicit threat of walking away, I mean that in the way that the HD partner will give up and seek what they desire with someone else) will move them to seek some level of resolution.
For example, I have lost over 70 pounds in the past 5 years and am back to the slim, trim weight before my sex life dissolved before my eyes. She evidently sees that as a threat (that is a story for another thread). But she hasn't been willing to do anything about it.
The Captain
Last sex: 04/06/1997 Last attempt: 11/11/1997 W Issues "No Means No" Declaration: 11/11/1997 W chooses to terminate sex 05/1998 I gained 60, then lost 85 pounds. Start running again (marathons)
Hi everyone, I am the opposite, the LD W, who lost her H, and now finds herself no longer LD, now that H found a GF. Funnily enough, we text constantly and he is telling me about how much he loves sex and cold never go back to little or none.
I concurred with him lol. My loss, but am DBing and waiting it out. What I thought I could offer is my point of view to the HD who are getting none. So if their are questions, ask.
In my sitch. Lack of communication and trust, my control issues, kids, etc made sex seem like a chore. I never told H what I was missing or what I wanted and always lived in fear of a cuddle being misinterpreted, so I drew even further away.
H counted, five times in five years, and pretty much bad, no,intimacy sex at that. Who wants that? I didn't and by confession it was just physical release for him.
also, we had a long distance marriage Monday- Friday so I only saw him on weekends which made it easier to just pull away. Sex was a big control thing for me, just another area where I called the shots and H acquiesced. In my case the actual process of him leaving opened my eyes to the fact it was the best thing that happened to me. I got to work out a lot of issues. So in next R, they will not rear their ugly heads and if they do I will recognize them for what they are.
So, as I said, am patiently waiting it out and through texts from H he knows my position and how I feel, so it is in his court.
Yes, that would be my question too. You want your husband now that you don't have him? Is that a competitive instinct, and would you continue to feel the same way if you had him back?
And I'd love to ask you, when you didn't want sex with your husband and you considered it a chore, would you have minded if your husband had a female friend with benefits? Someone who was not a threat to your marriage otherwise? I find it so curious how some women claim sex is totally unimportant to them, yet at the same time they claim it's very important that their husbands NOT have sex with someone else! Well, either sex is important or it's not. You can't have it both ways! How do you explain that attitude? Why would they care if their husbands had purely sexual relations outside the marriage? Heck, it would seem to take the pressure off them. Isn't that an improvement?
Sex was a big control thing for me, just another area where I called the shots and H acquiesced.
This is what MMSL says about being too beta and there being a loss of attraction. Once H found his self-value and a gf he became attractive again.
Originally Posted By: ssmguy
I find it so curious how some women claim sex is totally unimportant to them, yet at the same time they claim it's very important that their husbands NOT have sex with someone else! Well, either sex is important or it's not. You can't have it both ways!
YES! YES! YES!
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
So when you say that you're HD now, do you mean that you want sex with your H when you didn't before?
He is who I find attractive at this point. I can't say I won't begin to find other men attractive in the future, but so far only he sets off that little stomach tightening sensation.
I have absolutely explored the fact that now he is gone, I want him. Is that part of it, yes. Is it anywhere near the whole reason? No. It's taken four months of therapy to begin to work on this issue. I had issues myself. Husband would also never push and didn't open his mouth about needs or desires and just let it go. I basically got to do what I wanted.
Sexually as a person before marriage, I had no problems with drive and even in Honeymoon stage, although H says now 1-3 per week wasn't enough.
Then he had to deal with his own self esteem issues and his weight, his he has subsequently lost.
I had to deal with my self esteem issues as well.
We had a few very frank conversations and came to the realization that one person could not take the blame over the other. H told me things about my likes and dislikes etc. (not necessarily sex related) coffee, flowers, etc. that he never told me he knew. He just played stupid everytime. If he had spoken my LL by doing those things or by mentioning things that i thought he didn't care about, he would have been quite the happy camper-because he made me melt, just by saying them.
I could have made him a happy guy, because his LL is physical.
While we are both interested in opening up another Relationship in the future, we are also hesitant because of the past, even though we are very different people than before.
Sex was a big control thing for me, just another area where I called the shots and H acquiesced.
This is what MMSL says about being too beta and there being a loss of attraction. Once H found his self-value and a gf he became attractive again.
Originally Posted By: ssmguy
I find it so curious how some women claim sex is totally unimportant to them, yet at the same time they claim it's very important that their husbands NOT have sex with someone else! Well, either sex is important or it's not. You can't have it both ways!
Agree zoom. Had mentioned that all women like to be "cavemanned" once in a while, even the ballbreakers
Yes, that would be my question too. You want your husband now that you don't have him? Is that a competitive instinct, and would you continue to feel the same way if you had him back?
And I'd love to ask you, when you didn't want sex with your husband and you considered it a chore, would you have minded if your husband had a female friend with benefits? Someone who was not a threat to your marriage otherwise? I find it so curious how some women claim sex is totally unimportant to them, yet at the same time they claim it's very important that their husbands NOT have sex with someone else! Well, either sex is important or it's not. You can't have it both ways! How do you explain that attitude? Why would they care if their husbands had purely sexual relations outside the marriage? Heck, it would seem to take the pressure off them. Isn't that an improvement?
Husband and I are different people now. I really resisted the adage that people could change, because I truly felt that you had what you had and you worked with it. Maybe building up some parts, while dampening down others. The old "Inside Out" would not be waiting for H. She would be burning clothing in a huge bonfire and handing out marshmallow and tequila shots.
But I digress. As to your second point, it is well thought out. Would I have tolerated H getting it elsewhere? I am not sure. When he left, I could be termed a WAS too. I had uninvested in the marriage, couldn't care less, rarely saw him , no intimacy to bind us. He was just the guy with the paycheck and his unhappiness with situation did not allow for improvements anywhere as well. So I really can't say. Him leaving and becoming this new independent person has made me realize that "[censored], I love the guy" I am tolerating the GF now, but he doesn't come and sleep here, so the question doesn't apply.
I cannot say yes or no to that question because I am not the person I was back then, if that makes sense. I think she would have been furious, but only because H did not sit down and say "Unless the sex resumes in this M, I am out of here, or will have to find it elsewhere". When someone doesn't actually come out and say what they need to say, you wind up here.
Although I am fairly certain the girl I was would not have listened at all anyway
