Thanks for the advice which I will act on. The cheerful detachment I am working on...well.....cheerfulness in general .
Re my S he has no speech, delayed learning ability which is also affected by no speech as communication is difficult with him. He has floppy muscle tone as well so fine motor skills have been delayed and he needs to be supervised walking. He is very routine focussed. We have behvioural issues when something he enjoys finishes. His behaviour in this aspect got worse at his previous school which was also part of the decision to move schools. He has improved a lot since doing so.
I will read your sitch - had not realised you also have S with special needs.
I could also use some help re menopause. W younger sister went into early menopause (age 40) - This was about 2 yrs ago, W older sister has recently in the last few months gone into menopause. I think I mentioned this in a previous post.
But when I got home from work W brought it up, said she has not been sleeping well, waking up sweaty a few times a night etc but no change in her cycle. Although she says they have got more painful. I responded a bit stupidly by saying does it worry her (of course it would worry her!), but she did say yes and opened up a little about herself/bod etc.
Does anyone know of any good books/sites to research menopause. Could it explain W, could it trigger MLC? Thats not that I dont accept my part in all this - believe me there are things I have needed to change for a long time.
I asked W had she thought about what she wanted. She said not. I said it wld be nice if we could still spend the day together with the kids.
The WAW sees this as pressure. Even if she didn't get ugly about it, she still sees you pursuing her. And....I'm not saying you used your kids as an excuse to be with your W on Christmas, but that's what it sounds like to her ears.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Instead of asking her what she wants to do on Christmas, it would have gotten her interest more if you had told her that you had plans to be gone that day. But you need to tell her before you go asking her what she's going to do. Make sense? Then instead of putting yourself in the kneeling position, you place yourself in the standing upright position! Instead of her thinking you are kind of pitiful, she'll see some mystery and think you may actually get a life without her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I cld use some urgent help please. I have been clearing the cupboard above the bed and a box of W fell out. I was not snooping honestly. But I was compelled to look at the papers. Well they were old love letters to her first love and some printed out emails from 2010 about how they still have a thing for each other etc etc and that they shld meet up.
Well the recent EA discovery was one thing but now seems like another at least EA in 2010!!
I am shocked and not sure what t think. Shld I raise it with W? I just don't know anymore. Does this mean she is further in the MLC journey that I thought? I am about to blow now as I am starting to realise I may not have rly known my W at all.
I don't think bringing up the discovery will be of any benefit to you rky, and I don't think it really changes anything as far as where you're at now or where you want to be. File it away in your mind and carry on with your plan. Don't allow it to affect your resolve to move forward in the manner you see fit.
Yes it's another stab to your heart, but a wise coach told me "Consult your plan, not your feelings".
Speaking of plans, have you decided anything on the "Champion OM" technique yet?
What is your plan here?
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Thanks FY, I know it won't benefit but it has seriously shocked me. I can accept my current sitch but this has really made me doubt how much I know W at all. Esp as this was a period when I thought we were happy!
I am just sickened by W at the moment, have no trust at all and am thinking I was a fool for trusting her esp these last few yrs. Yes that is my pride talking. But what else is gonna come out of the woodwork!!!
Re championing other man I have thought about it and def a no. I am fed up with W and her new found divorced friends helping her destroy yet another family - they all walked away from their Ms. I am fed up with this whole sitch TBH.
And is there rly any hope after 2 EAs? 1 of which I know of is still going on.
There’s always hope if you’re still together. Some will even tell you there’s hope after a break-up/D!
You need to make a happy and fulfilling life for yourself that doesn’t rely on her. Be the better option. Wait out her crazy affair until she sees the grass isn’t greener, or until you can’t take it anymore.
Regarding the affair, you don’t have to accept it if you don’t want to. You can make boundaries or even an ultimatum at any time. You do have full power of your response here... Keeping this in mind even if you don't do anything right now can help keep you moving forward in a positive manner.
Originally Posted By: rkyfat
However, when W raised OM, one of the things she said was he understands her,
This is a key I'd say. Do you and your wife talk? I know you probably don’t feel like it now, but if you could build that connection where she confides in YOU instead of scum man, maybe she wouldn’t feel the need for him anymore. Fill that need that he's filling.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
You have plenty reason to be really upset right now. As far as "championing OM".....I don't agree, but that's just me.
For now, I don't think you need to try to do anything. No talk about either EA or OM. You are in no condition to even know what you want for sure. So, please don't engage in any discussions on the M or her behavior.
Is there really any hope after two EA's? That depends upon you & your W. If she had a dozen A's, would there be any hope? It would still depend upon the two of you and if you two were willing to do the work necessary. It would seem that whenever there is more than one A in a short period of time, she could use professional counseling. For sure, the two of you would need an experienced pro-marriage C to help you in healing over this.
I don't understand why she kept these letters if she no longer had contact with the OM from 2010 and was involved with yet a new man. Did you read far enough to know why it didn't last....or which one broke it off? Like I said....she probably needs a C.
((hugs)) I'm so sorry.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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