I love your list Sweetbriar, good for you! Take a step back, read that over and celebrate it again! You're in a crazy tough situation but you are moving forward and living your life.
With H, you are rising above, you are taking the high road and that requires discipline. That's really really great that you didn't get into it with H. Beautiful.
I will say again I think you should cut off his texting -- it's too easy for him to spew at you without thinking. Make him work a little harder if he's going to be mean.
Another thing that can help: people's actions are driven by one of two emotions -- love or fear. If H is being mean and angry, it's because he is afraid. If you can shift your perspective to see that he's operating from a place of fear, it can make it easier not to take his meanness to heart. He is lashing out because he is scared. Those are his fears and you do not own them. They are his to deal with.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
No it won't, not unless he sees it for what it is and takes steps to fix the way he interacts. And let me tell you, it is not easy!! 46 years of reacting instead of acting is a long hard habit to break.
Don't engage with the " you don't care". Do not change mind about house. He will try.
I always backed down if H ( the few times he was). Remained adamant about something. But I gave everything in my arsenal to get my way. So expect pouting, meanness, and petty gestures. Ya, I was awful. But am working hard.
If you give in here, you will be repeating patterns I bet have been in your marriage from the start
Good luck. Not easy to look at my own behaviour but I think it will help you with H's
There is a lot of change and uncertainty in his life right now and that makes things worse. Once he figures out his income, living situation, and relationship with your daughters and isn't constantly worrying about it then he will stop lashing out.
It doesn't sound like he has always been this way, so I don't think it will last forever. Its fear that he is making a bad decision, fear of what people will think of him, fear that his thing with OW is not as great as he wants it to be and fear of all the change going on right now. The pace of change will slow but it will take time. In many ways he is like a cornered animal
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
So, so true. You are the only safe place for him to let out his fear in the form of anger plus he is hoping that you will react in a way that confirms his choices.
Sweet, you are so so strong and doing so amazingly well. Loved your list and that you are able to refrain from the texts which is so hard when we are attacked.
(((((((( ))))))))))))
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
H is angry...for sure! He came and got oldest D last night for a movie and before she left she and I had gotten into an arguement. I refused to let her sleep over at a friends house (same house she went last weekend where her friends bro is and that is the one who she almost slept with) and she threw a temper tantrum. A half hour later, H texted and asked if she wanted to go out and she said yes, so my feelings were hurt since I had told her that I would do something with her instead of her going with friend. She denied me, but went with her dad...so I told her that if she wants to play him against me than maybe she should stay the whole weekend with him.
She freaked out and started crying, screaming, etc and called H and told him how awful I was and he loved every minute of it! He called me and was saying that he wishes he was there taking care of them and not me..and asked what I was doing TO her? I just told him she was angry because she wasnt allowed to go to friends and she was angry. I told him I didnt want to argue with him, and that I was hanging up..his response was that he wished he never had to talk to me again!
He then called D on her phone and told her that HE would take her to friends house after movie, so I had then call him and tell him about the journal and my reasons. After that, he did stand behind me but thought maybe her friend could stay at our house so she would feel better. I advised him that she threw a tantrum and she was NOT getting a friend over. Period.
They went to movies and she was furious with me saying I just didnt want her to see her dad, which is what Im sure is what she told him. oh well..I wonder if this is just the beginning of all the stuff we will endure with teens?? She didnt say a word to me when she got home...she just went in her room and shut the door.
Before he got her, h texted me that she needed a "good female" to talk to and that is why she needed to talk to his brothers girlfriend...and she was a good role model. He also texted D=birth control...
I responed that I didnt want to condone it, but maybe and that his brothers girlfriend had nothing to do with this. I wanted to write back dad=home...but I didnt. I also wanted to mention was a GREAT role model he has been to her..but I didnt do that either. Im getting better about holding back!
H also mentioned on the phone when I was talking to him that he is so physically and emotionally hurting that he can barely function and Im loving it. I didnt respond to that comment and kept it about D. HARD TO DO!! He also said, I hope you have fun going out tonight and spending money that Im supporting you with. Have fun!
He was angry and mean, but I let it go.
This morning, I am painting youngest D's room and enjoying it. I had started it awhile ago and had some trim and doors to finish...so easy but it will be complete! My oldest is not talking to me except to tell me how mean I am...
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
