Next Step, Moving On

[MrBond]

"but that she expects me to act this way and won't give me any props for it. "

Nor should she. It is something you should have been doing all this time so don't expect anything. That's what the issue has been so far. You do something and "expect" a certain reaction from her. Suspend all expectations and just do things because you want to do them.

"She just said she wants a D, that I had a very narrow window where I could have changed her mind, but that I messed that up by not leaving and giving her her space."

They all say that so don't worry about that part.

"Also, my emotional outbursts pushed her over the edge, and now she is totally done and will not even consider trying to patch things up."

I can see that.

"She just wants me out, and she want me to do the right thing and leave the house to her and the kids."

Here's where you tell her that just because she is unhappy, she has NO right to tell you to leave the home which you built. Plus the children are yours as well and she will not dictate when you can see your own children. Tell her that you understand how she feels and that you have been changing. Tell her that if she doesn't want to do anything, that is her choice, and right now you're thinking of what's best for the kids, which is something she has no right to determine on her own.

[dorightman]

Thanks for the honest feedback Mr Bond, I will continue to take your advice, makes sense.

[dorightman]

Hey Mr.Bond, when you wrote,

"Also, my emotional outbursts pushed her over the edge, and now she is totally done and will not even consider trying to patch things up."

I can see that.

Do you think that I could recover from that incident, or do you think she will never be able to trust me again because of it?

She brings it up when we fight and says that she suffered trauma from it and isn't able to stop seeing my face in that moment.

I know what I have to do, but I really struggle with my own pessimism sometimes,

[AnotherStander]

Do you think that I could recover from that incident, or do you think she will never be able to trust me again because of it?

I don't think there are any permanent deal-killers except maybe for physical violence.

She brings it up when we fight and says that she suffered trauma from it and isn't able to stop seeing my face in that moment.

What do you mean "when we fight"? Are you still fighting, or have you done a 180 on that and converted the fights into discussions? And when she brings up stuff like that it's a good opportunity to validate. "How did that make you feel when I had those outbursts?" "Angry and scared." "Angry and scared, yes I can understand why you felt that way, I'm sorry my actions did that to you." Don't try to explain your actions, or justify them, or negotiate with her. Just validate her feelings.

[dorightman]

Thanks Stander, I hope you're right. Today is the second day since MC. We didn't fight yet. By fight I mean, the same old R talk where she tells me all the wrongs I committed in our entire R, how she gave me the chance in the past and I failed, how she resents me for not taking action until she dropped the D bomb, How it is too late now, she wants a S and D...

I understand what I have to do and I'am committed to doing it. Thanks again for your support, I really need it. Hope one day I can return the favor somehow.
I haven't been commenting on others sitch's because I'm so deep in my own and I also feel like a freshman still .

[dorightman]

I got busted snooping last night and I'm never gonna do it again. At first I tried to deny it because I thought the truth would do more harm then good, but later I realized that lying would do more harm and honestly, I'm sick of it. I need to GAL and detach. I apologized for it, told w we need to bring it up in MC, as it's related to my trust issues with w, and also my upbringing. I only seem to snoop when I'm feeling insecure with w. When our relationship was good, I never had trust issues. As our relationship deteriorated, I began to snoop. It's embarrassing to say the least. I hope that we can get past this, we both have major trust issues with each other.

[dorightman]

Again, after telling her that the reason why I'am acting so paranoid is because of the lack of love from her, she told me that I need to move out because she needs the space to heal and can't get it with me in the house.
She said she is physically, mentally, and spiritually exhausted. She is at the end of her rope and that if i didn't move out, she would take the kids, move to her mom's and file for divorce immediately.
She also tries to look away or cover her face when I'am talking to her and it makes me feel like she's acting like a child.
I know everyone here has told me over and over not to move out, but again I'am confused whether to move out or not.
If I give her her space, will she be able to heal? or will she just be happy I'm out and continue to do nothing except plan to divorce me.
If she moves out and takes the kids, that will be bad for the kids, and will make me feel like I did the wrong thing by them. I know she's the one doing it, but it still would be easier for me to move out temporarily then let her displace the kids.

[AnotherStander]

she told me that I need to move out because she needs the space to heal and can't get it with me in the house.

Does that sound like a reasonable request to you? Or does it sound like selfish, self-serving WAS behavior?

She said she is physically, mentally, and spiritually exhausted.

It's all about her. You on the other hand are in great shape, right? Would you say her comments sound like solid, reasonable thinking, or selfish and self-serving? Is she showing any interest or concern in you or your well-being? If not, what does that tell you about her?

She is at the end of her rope and that if i didn't move out, she would take the kids, move to her mom's and file for divorce immediately.

Do you think you would project a powerful, positive, confident image to her if you caved to every emotion-laced threat she makes?

She also tries to look away or cover her face when I'am talking to her and it makes me feel like she's acting like a child.

So do you think it's wise to grant her childish wishes? If your children beg, cry and whine about a toy in the store, do you throw it in the cart just to appease them?

I know everyone here has told me over and over not to move out, but again I'am confused whether to move out or not.

REALLY? What exactly are you confused about?

or will she just be happy I'm out and continue to do nothing except plan to divorce me.

I'd say if you move out then yes, she'll probably proceed with her plans. You're letting her trick you into believing you'll be the hero for moving out. But your kids will likely think you abandoned them and she will have no respect for you for caving to her whims.

If she moves out and takes the kids, that will be bad for the kids

So why would you let her take the kids? Do you think she has some "right" to them that you don't?

and will make me feel like I did the wrong thing by them.

SHE wants to end the marriage. SHE walks out. SHE threatens divorce. YOU hold your ground. YOU stand for the marriage. Please explain how that is doing the wrong thing by your kids.

[dorightman]

She hasn't been able to get the space she needs because for the past two months I've really been struggling with detaching and I made ALOT of DB mistakes. I don't think I've been able to give her more than a day or two before doing something wrong like punishing her or wanting to hang out with her, etc.
She doesn't believe I can do a separation living in the same house because I haven't been able to yet.
She has not shown any interest or concern in my well being, just a little sympathy and then anger and resentment. She is detached from me, if I want anything from her, it weighs her down.
Her threat of moving out with the kids is made to me with and without emotion.
She has said that if I would have responded at the beginning of this with a powerful, positive, confident ability to say "I understand you need space, I'll move out and separate from you for three month", she would have had a change of heart.
Now she says it's too late, I did everything wrong and it only exaggerated all the reasons she wants a D.
My confusion over moving out or not comes from me wanting to save our M, knowing that W only wants me out and says it's what she needs to heal, and then the advice from everyone here not to move out.
The kids want and need their mother probably more than me. Since their birth, I've been away ALOT with my work, and have spent the majority of their life with w.
They do love and need me and when I'm home, I do spend a good amount of time with them. W just wouldn't ever move out and leave them here with me.
I know she would never try to keep them from me, but she probably would want to control the custody agreement.
It's all very depressing to me to think about.
Thanks again Stander.

[dorightman]

I really need some help here.
For the past two months, going on three, I have not been able to control my actions as far as DB techniques. I'm good for a day or two, and then something usually happens and I derail. My emotions get the best of me and I end up either crying in desperation to my w, or unwittingly punishing her or getting into the same old argument with her.
At this point, I feel I have driven her to the very edge and I don't know what to do other then get out of the house to give her space. I seem to be unable to give her space while living together.
I need a solution FAST. I need to turn this around to get the focus off of me so she can go through her emotions to heal the past.
Maybe I could try to not be home when she gets home from work? Get out of the house on her days off, GAL.
It just seems like everytime I try again, I fail for some reason. I think because when I see w and interact with her and kids, everything seems ok because we're acting that way to protect kids. But after they go to bed, I always breakdown, cry, feel like I need w to talk to, and have nowhere to go. And she's got her wall up, is defensive, and cold. She may show sympathy for a few minutes to try to calm me down, but after she resents me for again not giving her space.
Anyone have any suggestions? I'm desperate at this point.