Don't move into the basement. That seems degrading......unless you have a really nice setup there. It just doesn't seem appropriate for the head of the home living under the ground. But, that's just me.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Don't move into the basement. That seems degrading......unless you have a really nice setup there. It just doesn't seem appropriate for the head of the home living under the ground. But, that's just me.
I agree. From all the various posts and threads around here, I have greater confidence that giving up the master bedroom or any room and heading to the basement is not the right place to be. I know all sitches are different in some ways, but this is a firm position I would stake out.
W: 40 Me: 44 M: 12 years Together: 14 Three children (S-4, D-3, S-1) EA started in April, discovered in 07/12 ILYBNILWY: 07/12 MC Started: 09/12 Patience Tested: 1,245,963 times since 07/12
It was demeaning for her to want me to live in the basement. I was hesitant, but I almost gave in to show her my changes. Fortunately, my hesitation led to her saying it wasn't a good idea. It has been a couple of days since contact, and it does clear your mind like the book says. I do fear, however, that no contact could backfire as well. But then I remind myself, I have already lost her, so I might as well get used to the little contact.
BD: 8/20/2012 W Files: 8/23/2012 S: 8/25/2012 (I moved out) D Final: 3/5/2013
I was hesitant, but I almost gave in to show her my changes.
I read that a lot on the board. But I don't think it works like that. She can't see your changes b/c she's blinded by her own lack of respect for you.
When the changes are really made....I'm talking to the point they have stuck.....and it is to improve the man (and not to just get her back), then she will hear about them through other people....and may have opportunities to actually see for herself...even if it's a few minutes at a time.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
My W moved 1100 miles away in March of '11. I saw her a handful of times from the time she moved to the time she moved back this past July. She was aware of the changes that I had made.
Of course it got to the point that it was the new me and it didn't matter what she thought. Be consistent.
Earlier you identified a concern for having too much time on your hands during the holidays. Make plans to stay busy. Do things that you have always been interested in doing, but haven't had the opportunity.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
It's funny. My STBXW has GAL'd to a tee. Why do I have so much trouble doing the same thing? She spends every weekend (I have the kids) spending the night with friends and going out. For some reason, it really makes me jealous how she can get over it that easily. I really need to do this.
BD: 8/20/2012 W Files: 8/23/2012 S: 8/25/2012 (I moved out) D Final: 3/5/2013
It's funny. My STBXW has GAL'd to a tee. Why do I have so much trouble doing the same thing? She spends every weekend (I have the kids) spending the night with friends and going out. For some reason, it really makes me jealous how she can get over it that easily. I really need to do this.
Re-read your suggestions...hell, re-read DR. This is not about your W, this is about you. Focus on you. This isn't a get even or he-said she-said, this is really focusing on you.
Breakdown, I know exactly what your are talking about. I know for a fact that I MUST concentrate on me. My head tells me this constantly, but I am still letting emotions run my life. While I know how wrong it is, I still sit around and wait for her to reconsider. For years, my life has revolved around her and my church, and now both seem to be gone. Rebuilding is hard to be honest when you want your old life back. I need to revisit my goals and find some specific ways to GAL. Thank you for the post.
BD: 8/20/2012 W Files: 8/23/2012 S: 8/25/2012 (I moved out) D Final: 3/5/2013
It's funny. My STBXW has GAL'd to a tee. Why do I have so much trouble doing the same thing? She spends every weekend (I have the kids) spending the night with friends and going out. For some reason, it really makes me jealous how she can get over it that easily. I really need to do this.
I think this too sometimes, don't worry. I am WTH!!! It is so hard for me and so easy for him. But it makes me kind of laugh ( as I sat home on Friday night).
I was hesitant, but I almost gave in to show her my changes.
I read that a lot on the board. But I don't think it works like that. She can't see your changes b/c she's blinded by her own lack of respect for you.
When the changes are really made....I'm talking to the point they have stuck.....and it is to improve the man (and not to just get her back), then she will hear about them through other people....and may have opportunities to actually see for herself...even if it's a few minutes at a time.
^^^^^ one day someone will look at you a little strangely because the way you reacted to a situation is totally different than before. You won't even notice unless someone points it out.
