The Lure of the Siren

[Arsene]

I will say this though Arsene... the difference between my sitch at that time and your sitch now, is that I had laid down that boundary. I may have let her off of the hook too easily, but she knew that boundary.

Your W has no boundaries.

A second difference is that I had much more too make up for. From what I know about your sitch, I was a much bigger a$$hole in my prior R/M with my W than you ever were with your wife. I let that affect many of my choices back then. I hadn't forgiven myself at that point.

A third difference is that when my W did choose to have OM in her life, knowing that I would not be, I let her be. This part I am talking about occurred after the Disney trip. I no longer allowed her to play both sides of the fence. She knew that if she was in contact with OM, that I would not be there for her to lean on or to spend time with.

And it was THOSE times that my W truly had the chance to see that OM was NOT what she wanted. And that what she DID want was me and our M. Yes, it took her time to get passed some other aspects, ie, forgiving me for past hurt, and getting over fear that things would go back to being bad if she did make that leap back towards our M. But it gave her the time to travel her own path... to investigate other life choices that she COULD make if she ended up deciding that they were better for her.

Ultimately, the answer to that was that those other choices were not better for her.

I don't think that she would have gotten there had I lingered around during those times.

Lastly, I was not physically capable of letting myself be in her life knowing that she was having contact with OM. That just isn't me though.

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It's is funny that you chose to talk about that part of my sitch because I think that it really was one of the top two or three points of the entire ordeal. It was a time that I could have made the choice to do something completely different than I did.

Right or wrong though, I did it my way. And I did travel my own path doing my best to use DB and the advice here to guide me.

I lived pretty much the entire gambit of it all.

So I understand what you are doing Arsene. All I can do is give you advice from what I see on the outside looking in, and based upon my own experience. I will add though that sometimes others do see your own situation better because they are not in the fishbowl. That's why it is easier to give other people advice than it is to follow the same advice yourself. (not speaking about you specifically... but of everyone).

Not going to edit this because I am tired... so I apologize in advance if it doesn't entirely make sense.

Thanks Denver,

Thanks for taking the time to reply in as much depth as you did, and thanks for seeing where I am as clearly as you do.

As you said, my W hasn't got any boundaries yet and that is because I'm not yet ready/in a position to enforce them if she were to cross them.

Another reason for this lack of boundaries is another difference in our sitches. After a few months, your W did come around from being completely DONE to reconsidering her position. Yes, she was still confused about OM but she at least considered the possibility of life with you once again. My W has never been there and she is still DONE. If I were to set a boundary, I am pretty sure she would walk. If she were to reconsider her position, I would insist on NC with OM, and make that a deal breaker.

Presently, I am considering a version of what you once referred to as plan A/plan B and making myself more desirable in her eye. I have seen some progress as you know but I still don't feel ready to act on anything. Right now, she seems to be going through a thinking phase and I guess I want to see this through and continue with what I'm doing, for now. As FY reminds us, Michele clearly states that you usually have to wait out the affair an I'm seeing how far I can go with this without putting pressure on her.

As you may remember, some of my issues were control and manipulation. W even thinks that my standing for the marriage smells of manipulation so any kind of pressure is sure to be seen as more of the same.

To conclude, as I mentioned earlier, the one thing I need to do now is REALLY GET A LIFE. Start focusing more on me and what I want to do for my future. This will have the effect of making me happier on my own and perhaps boosting my confidence, as well as preparing me for the worst case scenario, if it was to happen. It will also help me detach and create a bit of distance between me and W.

MKB, what you said about a sense of shame has been felt here as well and although not the main reason for not divulging my sitch, it has had an influence on my decision. My main reason still is that I don't really know that many people well enough to talk about this sort of thing around here.

Thank you all once again for your time and support.

Cheers!