The green green grass of home

[Soul.Searching]

Thank you Ruby, CV, Arsene and UF. Your support really means a lot.
Ruby and Cv i am trying my hardest to detach. It's not easy. Arsene, I am also trying to GAL, That is slightly easier but i'm finding i really have to force the motivation at times. I don't want the hurt. I want to trust in faith that if it's meant to be, it will be.
UF, exactly. We are each on our own path, I chose to entwine my path with H's and He chose the same. If H's favourite food was steak and then one day he decided he didn't like steak any more, his favourite food was lamb. Would that hurt my feelings? Not at all.
SO why then does it hurt, that his choice of being with me has changed? because (In no particular order)
1: It's not what I want.
2: It forces me to change the path that I choose.
3: I miss his and want to spend time with him as husband and wife.
4: It made me feel rejected (Which I'm working on.)
5: I wanted my kids to have two full time parents, living together.
6: I don't like it when my kids are not here with me.
7: I miss the closeness, the companionship the fun times.
8: The thought of him being with OW hurts. (Because i want him to me and me only)
9: I feel he made the wrong decision.
10: I thought we were soul mates.
11: The thought I could have made him feel so unhappy hurts.
12: I didn't see the signs and I feel disappointed in myself because of it.

I could go on but the pattern would be the same. It's all about me, It's selfishness really. Yes I feel we could have worked things out and we could have saved our marriage and both been happy but again that's how I feel.

If you had two options to choose from and you knew the outcome of both but could not change anything, what would you choose?

1: You and your S would stay together and live a relatively happy life together. You would live in bliss but you S would just be happy. Happy enough but not in bliss.

2: your S could go live in bliss with another S but you would live your life happy but not blissfully,..

What would you choose?


Update.
I woke up feeling sad today. I had this almost overwhelming feeling that something just was not right.
There was a Birthday BBQ for a family members daughter and i nearly didn't go. I was going to ask my Mum to take my kids and i would stay home but i changed my mind.

When we arrived my aunt told me i looked good. I have been hearing that a lot lately but have put it down to loosing a tiny bit of weight, Sometimes having a tiny bit of make-up on or a new shirt.
Well my Aunt said "You look good SS, Single life suits you." I just looked at her like, what? She said "you look so relaxed"
That really got to me because I didn't feel relaxed. I felt slightly anxious, trying to fight off the mornings sadness.
I am less anxious and relaxed in that I now don't have to worry about H, When he will finish work, if he will call and want something and get angry if I'm not available to provide it.


I still think about H a lot, probably more so. He is constantly in the back of my mind. I have always had so many thoughts running through my head, pretty much all day everyday. I'm trying to 180 that. I'm trying to push all thoughts of H out of my mind, when i find myself thinking about him and our stich.
I'll leave those thoughts for designated time as much as possible.
I'm also trying to 180 my thought process in terms of actually living in the moment and trying not have 100 other thoughts running through my head.
Also in the terms or emotions. why I feel what I feel.

I checked my phone at the party and had a missed call from H. I was going to call him back but decided not to. Then a song started playing. "I cross my heart and i hope to die, That i'll only stay with you one more night" H told me to listen to the words of that song, Not long before he moved out.
Well i thought H has called me when he has been out at party's etc. It hurt and i guess i was feeling a bit selfish and spiteful. I didn't think it through, I called him back, stood near where he would hear the song and people and called him back. He asked where i was and i said at a party. He said "oh okay" and told me why he called. He asked if i was at a kids Birthday party and i said well,.. kind of. He asked what i meant and i told him that yes it was a kids party but a lot of people with young kids were there such as Mutual friends (Told him a few names) He went a little quiet and then said he will let me go.

I feel bad. That was just selfish and spiteful and i don't want to be that kids of person. I wanted him to know that i am still living my life. With or without him.

He called to speak to the kids tonight but was distant and kinda cold. Not angry just cold.

At the party one of my ex were there. We went out together about 14 years ago. I was only 15 at the time. Well he cheated on me and thought he could date someone else and then come back to me. Well he tried but I wasn't having it. I didn't want to be treated like that.
Well i don't like him lol, His sister was married to a family member, so he is occasional at family get gatherings. I always avoid him and he always try's to talk to me.
Well today he goes
ex "I know you don't really like talking to me but that little boy over there, is that J's kid?"
Me: yes
Ex "That's the little boy i remember?
ME "No he is 18 now"
Ex "No way, are you sure?"
Me: yes, i kinda know how old my nephew is!!!

OMG, People are just insane these days. Seriously. The child he was talking about is 5, the one he remembers was 5 when we were together like 14 years ago.

That got me thinking about a friend saying a while ago that she thinks girls who don't have good father figures in their lives when they are growing up as prone to picking all the wrong men.

I don't think i have ever been with someone who didn't have major issues. I thought H had got past them when we started dating but he changed once we were married.

I still have people telling me they are sorry to hear and some of them sort of dig for information but i don't feel the need to talk about H any more. I don't feel like telling them we hadn't been fighting and it came from no where.

Right now I'd really like some H be gone! Gone from my thoughts constantly.

I love him and I'd love to work out our M but it's up to him now. He needs to get his S**t together. If he does not choose to change, work on him and work on us, then there's nothing else i can do.

The BBQ today was almost the same as if H was not there. Usually we would meet up here and there and talk together and with other people. He could come and give me random cuddles here and there.

I find when people ask how i am (When i can see by the look on their faces and know they are actually asking "How are you coping with H gone?") I always answer "Yeah, I'm alright" no matter how i am feeling.

The question it self kinda stings for some reason. I think I'm too "proud" to say that I fall to pieces a lot.

I can not wait until the point where i can say i am great and actually mean it.