Thank you Tori and Afa for stopping by I agree no more reaching out to H. I slept well but woke up blue Managed to pull my Self together and start my day - have to get this job application done. Picked up my phone at one point and found a text from H: -I'm sorry Tumbling, I was asleep most of the evening. I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you on that difficult day. I'm sorry I am such a pathetic person - (30)
I replied: - No worries. I survived. You sound exhausted ((H))x (7)
I know the 24/48hr rule but it doesn't feel authentic to me - it messes with my integrity. I do it when I feel I am emotionally reacting rather than responding tho.
At least I didn't put any hooks in it (mini applause) I don't want to ignore H when he acknowledges things like the above especially as his auto thinking is "I'm a bad person". So, I hope I did ok?
I didn't even realise that EA was occurring until I had a dream that disturbed me so much that I had to wake my Self before it went too far (I have conscious dreams where I can rerun aspects, stop or change them) - that was the night that I didn't sleep before H was meant to come over. After that I watched my Self and found I was seeking him out more and more at work. I have stopped that now. There is nothing in it from his side and I don't know what need it is that it's fulfilling - attention I guess - but I go get it - he doesn't give it. I have just found that if I go to that well there's water in it and at H's well there isn't even a bucket
I am staying leaned back. I am surrounded by lots of great friends (m & f ones)who recognise my specialness and I have all of you who have given me so much love and encouragement. I am truly grateful I have you to tell my inner feelings to - I feel so understood here. I guess I just want my H to remember how special I was to him once...
That reminds me of Adele's Don't You Remember I played it over and over again when he left the second time when I was out.
When will I see you again? You left with no goodbye, Not a single word was said, No final kiss to seal anything, I had no idea of the state we were in,
I know I have a fickle heart and a bitterness, And a wandering eye, and heaviness in my head,
But don't you remember? Don't you remember? The reason you loved me before, Baby, please remember me once more,
When was the last time you thought of me? Or have you completely erased me from your memory? I often think about where I went wrong, The more I do, the less I know,
But I know I have a fickle heart and a bitterness, And a wandering eye, and a heaviness in my head,
But don't you remember? Don't you remember? The reason you loved me before, Baby, please remember me once more,
Gave you the space so you could breathe, I kept my distance so you would be free, And hoped that you'd find the missing piece, To bring you back to me,
Why don't you remember? Don't you remember? The reason you loved me before, Baby, please remember me once more, When will I see you again?
I feel she wrote that for me. I don't play it anymore
