Sunny, You will know when you've had enough, but I don't think you are there yet. The answers will come if you sit quietly and patiently.
Yes, you are angry and I don't blame you, but you've got to be the better person in all of this right now. Find things to keep you busy and away from her. She's pushing your buttons and I'm afraid that there will be a confrontation w/words that can never be taken back. She's like a child who continues to do things to get your attention/reaction, whether it is bad or good. Dig deeper for patience and ask God to help you get through this difficult bump in the road. He does not always give you want you want, but what you need, per the posting by hrm on her thread. Heck, you may not even like what he will provide in the way of an answer, but he's the only one that can provide you that strength and determination to move forward and on w/your life.
Take a deep breathe and this neighbor and your wife's flirting will pass. It has to die a natural death and I think that once she sees that it's not getting the reaction she was hoping for, she will stop it.
Good luck!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I have been where you are, Sunny, I do understand...I got myself so worked up over W's behaviors, and my "She should/should nots" that I gave myself a bleeding ulcer for Christmas and my B-day last year...that, and how MY example of coping was being displayed to my sons (NOT what I wanted to model for them), got me to tough love myself into a different place with a lot of help from various posts here. Please read this again:
Quote:
The ego work I was referring to was the part of me that was hurt, shamed, humiliated, emasculated, and crazy with needing to know what W was up to, and even getting paranoid....that when at work or whatever, that guys were looking at me like "Oh, you're T^2, I know all about YOUR wife, HA!" (W was really into the vidchat and phone sex on adult hookup sites, and went from safer long distance to local, based on the caller ID history when I still snooped)...anyway...came a point where I was so butthurt and paranoid that something woke up and said..."WTH am I allowing this person to control my feelings, my days, my experience??? I can't control a free human being, she is not my chattel, these are her, unfortunate, choices. And why is again I give a rip what other people think, I wasn't big on that through most of my life, so why now??? What is wrong with me?" This was the beginning of me taking back MY power, and my own journey. that's what I meant by ego and working with it, and what there is to find there.
MLC'ers can be nasty, mean, malicious, manipulating...you are not dealing with who you knew before (though she's in there somewhere). I want you to take your power back. I want the awesome Sunny human, man, father, Christian, etc, to NOT be compromised by letting W play him and turn him into someone he doesn't recognize, or like...
I know you are trying, you are learning, like we all are.
Who are/were your male role models??
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I have been where you are, Sunny, I do understand...I got myself so worked up over W's behaviors, and my "She should/should nots" that I gave myself a bleeding ulcer for Christmas and my B-day last year...that, and how MY example of coping was being displayed to my sons (NOT what I wanted to model for them), got me to tough love myself into a different place with a lot of help from various posts here. Please read this again:
Quote:
The ego work I was referring to was the part of me that was hurt, shamed, humiliated, emasculated, and crazy with needing to know what W was up to, and even getting paranoid....that when at work or whatever, that guys were looking at me like "Oh, you're T^2, I know all about YOUR wife, HA!" (W was really into the vidchat and phone sex on adult hookup sites, and went from safer long distance to local, based on the caller ID history when I still snooped)...anyway...came a point where I was so butthurt and paranoid that something woke up and said..."WTH am I allowing this person to control my feelings, my days, my experience??? I can't control a free human being, she is not my chattel, these are her, unfortunate, choices. And why is again I give a rip what other people think, I wasn't big on that through most of my life, so why now??? What is wrong with me?" This was the beginning of me taking back MY power, and my own journey. that's what I meant by ego and working with it, and what there is to find there.
MLC'ers can be nasty, mean, malicious, manipulating...you are not dealing with who you knew before (though she's in there somewhere). I want you to take your power back. I want the awesome Sunny human, man, father, Christian, etc, to NOT be compromised by letting W play him and turn him into someone he doesn't recognize, or like... I know you are trying, you are learning, like we all are. Who are/were your male role models?? T^2
Thanks again T2 - you are such an inpiration o me -- he was outside talking to my wife again this morning and I was cleaning some stuff up I hate how they act so phoney and nieghborly in front of me when I know that they are flirting and maybe having sex - but I can't controll her so I am gonna make my best concerted effort to just take care of my son and me from now on - you have been such a big help I feel like a big baby seeing what you went through and are still going through.
My dad was one but then I realized that all my "my way or the highway" and my controlling behavior I learned from him - when I go to my mom's house and see the way he treats her I see how tough I was on my wife it rips me apart.
I guess my Uncle Bill who was kind and loving, my aunt Leilea was a saint as well -
I think I want to be like Tom Selleck on Blue Bloods can I pick a guy from TV.
Sunny
If someone decides there is no goodness in you they won't be able to see it. I'll take a BLT over a MLC anyday !!!
Sunny, You will know when you've had enough, but I don't think you are there yet. The answers will come if you sit quietly and patiently.
Yes, you are angry and I don't blame you, but you've got to be the better person in all of this right now. Find things to keep you busy and away from her. She's pushing your buttons and I'm afraid that there will be a confrontation w/words that can never be taken back. She's like a child who continues to do things to get your attention/reaction, whether it is bad or good. Dig deeper for patience and ask God to help you get through this difficult bump in the road. He does not always give you want you want, but what you need, per the posting by hrm on her thread. Heck, you may not even like what he will provide in the way of an answer, but he's the only one that can provide you that strength and determination to move forward and on w/your life.
Take a deep breathe and this neighbor and your wife's flirting will pass. It has to die a natural death and I think that once she sees that it's not getting the reaction she was hoping for, she will stop it.
Good luck!
Thank You again my friend !!! I am doing better today I am taking care of my health and work - I have been a handful on here lately - thanks for your patience !!
If someone decides there is no goodness in you they won't be able to see it. I'll take a BLT over a MLC anyday !!!
Glad to see you are doing better today. It's very important that you take care of your health because if you don't have good health, then you can't work or play w/your son.
Enjoy your weekend! Do something special w/your son.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sunny, Do not send the messages to the guy's fiance. If he is doing things behind her back, she will catch on quite quickly. As for your w, she may have been doing all of this flirting to see what your reaction would be or just to get you some gas. They love to jerk our chains and enjoy watching us twist and turn in the wind. Don't give her that pleasure. The less you react to her behavior, the better. They crave attention, whether it is positive or negative...they don't care.
What I would suggest is that if you still have the messages, print them off or store them in a safe place.
I just wanted to let you know that my DB phone coach thinks I should print out copies of the text and give it to his fiance - she really gives much different advice then here a lot.
THAT^^^^ SHOCKS ME...A LOT...ARE YOU SURE? It's Not what MWD seems to say in her books. I'd want the coach to reconcile her advice w/the books...
then again, she's who told you to insist on attending a wedding YOU were Not invited to...did she know that little detail? I mean, You took your time telling US...
seriously
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
but you get my point, right? I mean you never told US that you were not on the invitation until late in the game. Wanting to attend an event out of town, that you were not invited to, is so strange to me. It's NOT as if you could wonder what her family felt, b/c the bride had made her choice. That's what I meant.
So here's another question. Suppose, for a minute, that you could envision your life without your wife, but with you being happy.
What would that look like?
What hobbies would you be doing or classes taken, or jobs?
What type of thing would you do with your son? Meeting new people? Dating someone new? Envision this hypothetical life with intricate detail.
Now, what of those things can you start to do today?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Also since detaching is something you MUST do, I hope you can grasp that it does NOT mean being cold or mean.
Detachment does NOT mean being cold or nasty at all. Here's a post on it and there are many more on this site if you search...
This was originally posted by Peanut. ============ II. Detachment Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship. Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done. Our ego gets wounded and we say or do things that undermine our goals.
We can NOT control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.
If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.
Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals. On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, "I am not getting what I want so I must pull back." It is the natural acceptance of the reality that "I am alone responsible for how I act. I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thank You 25Years--this is exactly what I needed to read today. I was trying to detach because I felt hurt by my H's behavior with the OW--namely his continued commitment to her--I pulled back feeling all wounded.
This post reminded me that I don't have to take his actions, words personally. I have a choice. His actions and words reflect who he is Today, maybe not forever, just today. This is even more meaningful knowing that a few days ago, a week ago, H was "missing us fiercely" as he put it. He is on the insane train right now and it's bumpy. I have a choice to get on or off when I choose. Or, I can sit and watch from the station.
Thanks, Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
