sorry i was incommunicato. you sound like you've HAD it - i sure know how you feel . sometimes i literally go around yelling at the phone (represents stinking h when he's gone) when i walk by. mostly totally profane and rude stuff like - you know, uh hem (f u u b_stard, etc). childish , but nothing quite defuses one (a bit) to be yelling out loud- hear yourself, realize it- and usually have to laugh (even if it a wry & bitter laugh- it's a laugh nevertheless).
so- seriously- do you yell and scream and curse - out loud & to someone up there???? if you don't have one friend who will listen to you rant- i'm thinking seriously why don't you try and find a support group and maybe will find someone to be buddies with that has got some similar stuff gong on that will be a good venting buddy? just a thought. i failed totally in my one little attempt to find that support group0- bad karma. i do have a bunch of "friends" (some real- some just people) roaming in and around my life in nj- so i'm not quite so isolated.
IT'S just so ALONE & (sometimes) hopeless feeling isn't it? i've noticed in life when things are their most awful- it's the feeling of just being alone and going thru "it" alone that is so stinko. i always wonder if someone was truly "there" for you, with you - if you'd still feel the same because of the nature of "tragedy". know what i mean? can you tell i overthink this junk & cut everyone in the universe a heck of alot of slack?
write to me and vent your little head off. it is sickining some days that guys like me and you even do this- even try- even give these jerks sooooo much slack because of what they were to us. because of what our lives were- because we're so nice & loving (and sickening- and dopey maybe - and care too much for s_itheads that don't even have the brains to appreciate us).
my new overriding theory is that (my h at least) they are typical american men- want everything- the grass is always greener and he is greedy and selfish. cannot even stop and appreciate what he has- for fear he's missing out on something out there that is wonderful. his stupidity is changing my heart- it will be a sad day when i leave him- for him mostly. i am so sick of him thinking i'm so this(bad) and that(bad of course).
i wonder if he3 would ever realize that the reason everything about me seems so awful (or seemed? - who knows) is that the jerk is cheating and in order to not feel like a peice of dirt - which he is by the way- he HAS to view me and everything about me as less satisfactory than his stupid cow of a ow. duhhhhhh- it aint brian surgery buddy. OF COURSE - i'm less wonderful- or you wouldn't be boinking her -
what he's missing is that he is not a nice person- he is not a caring person- he is not a person wi th integrity & honesty (ha- honesty- what a laugh) or loyalty. he is a selfish little animal- gimme gimme gimme. MY PROBLEM is that appaently he ALWAYS has been- i cannot find a place in my mind for this information to go and be processed. i short circuit out when i realize it's always been there forever- in some place in his life- my life- and i didn't know. such is my blind love.
i am curiously detached a bit lately- honestly- i don't know if it's a wonderful overall cure type detachment- or that when he is in my face- i realize i don't want to look at his face and i don't want to really touch him- and he isn't "cute" when he's being cute. it's such a shame- i am not kidding you when i say i am the most flexible and amenible of women- if this dope cannot look at me and think about life with me and realize it probably would not be better with ANYONE- WHAT THE heck??? we had such a nice life together- he has sooooo ruined my heart- and has soooo changed the person i am i think- in that respect. it's such a shame to realize i will probably never be able to go back to feeling for him what i felt.
and it was BIG - AND GOOD. HE'S SOOooooooo afraid i will cling to him- again, sorry to be repetitive, but what a dope! what he doesn't see is that he is changing me and i will never feel the same (maybe) about him- and he has really blown something truly worth having. sooooo immersed in self-land. oiy!!! the insanity of it makes me sorry for him sometimes - he is clueless.
and i don't know why it doesn't work like it does with a baby. they lash out and you would never ever think of holding a grudge- somehow he figures it applies to him. that totally ungrudging love that can withstand everything in the universe. duhhhhhh- how can he not GET that when an adult man makes a decision to trash your heart and feelings and risk everything he has with you- he MADE THAT DECISION with knowledge and experience and you will always kn ow that and consider that. it's not just niave animal instinct like a kid or baby- it's his damn decision-
yeah, yeah, yeah, i know the bit about he is nuts and doesn't know what he is doing- it's true. the shame is tho, we look at them as adults and our mate & friend. there is something soooooooooo particularly rotten about a friend stabbing you in the back- it will be interesting to notice if this treason ever goes away.
OH GOD - TALKING about treason. the girl next door- with the invalid mother and our big hurricane adventures of trying to drive around and find a power source to charge huge batteries for the hydralic lift & oxygen supply (geeeez- we were two hair-raised girls). she was freakign out- i'm so glad i was there to hold her hand- it's soooo nice to have a neighbor- i can even walk over in my housecoat and co ffee cup & chat in the drive (just like a cheesy sitcom) - anyway-
we were chatting- she got telling me about her husband's father living with them while getting progressively worse with alsheimers - and that he just could not get that he couldn't go to the bathroom anywhere he wanted- and she'd have to rush home from work to take over caring for him and her husband was cheating - and she began to cry- i felt so awful for her. she is back together with him- says she trusts him and loves him and it's behind them- but then she talks about it and cries and i realize it's always there as in ALWAYS THERE AND HOW THE HECK does one ever ever ever recover from that??? i felt so sorry- and he's an alcoholic and has psorossis (how the heck does one spell sirossis of the liver anyway? ) soooo- hyikes!!!!! that's sad too- and he requires "handling" - i hope to ?God whichever way i come out of this- that I am done pussy footing around and feeling like a second class citizen.
i was a jerk myself alot of the time- i'm always thinking that h's happiness seems more important- he's the one with the hangups, and rules , and it's a thing i realize about myself- i do make myself a doormat alot - so have no real grounds to gripe about it- i need to man up here in life.
i'm not kidding. i hate fighting - that beingt said, i am surrounded withpeople who want to really get in my face. my baby sister (51) not such a baby huh? is quite an uptight person- but now that she's got some letters after her name- she's got some kind of complex going on about being the "baby" of family and thinking my older sister and i "push her around". if you knew her- you would laugh. she's sooooo adament and mad all the time- i walk round stroking her ego and honestly- we had a conversation about my mom (i'm not even going into it) and i was working sooooo hard picking my words and trying not to be inflammatory- i nearly gave myself a hernia!!!
the upshot was that she let loose - screamed and yelled and acused and judged and told me what a pushy b_tch i was and am and i've been pushign her around for years (???) oh yeah- she's a sensitive and quiet little thing that needs to be protected(not). it was quite a huge display- and me, with my usual diplomacy and cool head ended up half yelling - just do what you want- do it, do it, do it.....
poor ole mom- that woman lives two hours away- sees her for an hour or so every few weeks - and she's judging her mental capacity and ability to live alone successfully and wanting to take charge of her. her overriding message was that she (sister) knows what is good for mom more than mom does. that may be true in a few ways- overall- she's not ready to be locked up. she's enjoying her last years of freedome and independence quite alot (along with alot5 of confusion).
it's sad. i know tensions were high with the stress of preparation and aftermath of a hurricane- BUT. i haven't spoken to her again- i don't even want to hear her voice at this time( sorry but) - she is such a hothead no one can even speak but her. i was apologizing left & rite for nothing at all- and she's yelling "sttttooooop- i don't want to hear this" - oh man. i am surrounded by insanity here no kidding.
i'm in fla - and it's quiet - but i do worry a bit about my mother. she's not a danger to herself or others tho, so for pete's sake- let the woman have her small amount of times left where she lives her own life , in her own place , by her own self with her cats and enjoys feeling in charge of her life. it's merciful i think.
i'm so sorry to rant- i miss ya too- it's lonely when i can't find time to get on line. there seems to be soooo much going on- and of course- no stinking elec GOTTA GOXXO
