WAW seems to be making positive steps...whattodo?

[25yearsmlc]

Got text from W this afternoon, "I'm taking S16 to mall tomorrow." I replied, "Ok. When did you set that up. I'm curious because he's supposed to be in school right now."


why do you care WHEN they arranged something? b/c you suspect he's texting during class? You want to use their contact as a way to discover his wrong doing so that you can catch him, blame her or punish someone? What are you thinking? STOP the controlling

W: texted him Wednesday. It's ok right?

I broke DB rules by trying to coax her into conversation here...I said "What do you mean is it Ok?"

sigh...when in doubt, maybe you could just stfu

She called me immediately. Asked if I had a problem with her taking him to mall. I hesitated, she called me on it, so I told her about my concerns that they are hurting, yet hopeful for family R, and hanging around w/him bay set up expectations or hopes. (I know, I know, I lost it again but the kids are involved here)

why should I comment here?^^^^^ I mean, are you getting any of this in a way that will lead to CHANGE?


She actually asked what kind of expectations. I said they and I all want the family back together.

STFU

She said, "well that's fine but I need to fix myself first and part of that is having relationship w/kids. Don't you want me to have R w/kids" this seemed very positive to me.

I answered of course. Told her I was planing on taking them out to movie next week for their birthdays, and wanted to invite her along, if they would be willing. She was happy about that.

Later W texted "please don't give S16 a hard time for talking to me, so he won't want to go" (I've not done that at all...)

Me:I wouldn't do that. I'll be encouraging him to treat you well.
W:I like the idea of us going to a movie or something next weekend.
Me: I'm trying to make good things happen.
W:I'm realizing in order for us to heal that I have healing to do- which is in process.
Me:Glad. Kids need to heal too. Don't expect too much too fast.
W:I know. But I need to start somewhere.
Me:Yes. Anywhere.
W:I just have so much hurt...and hurting them is not what I intended.
Me:I know you're hurting. I want to understand that completely. And I know you didn't mean to hurt them.

As I look at that, maybe the "I know you're hurting" was not the right way to do it...I was really going for the opportunity to say I know she didn't want to hurt them and didn't really think about the 1st phrase so much.

Keep your "validations" a lot shorter

Anyway this is the second time she has shut down after I have tried to validate.

Learn from this^^^^

Meanwhile, addressed the movie idea w/S20. He is dead set against. We also talke w/pastor. S20 says willing to forgive, work on R, move on but is adamant she be out of R w/OM and out of his house.


and then YOU said what?..... nothing??


I validated his moral stand and courage,

how convenient/righteous for YOU

and told him I am taking different tactics w/W, ie showing her I am changing and on her side. He has not budged. I will not try to force him.

that's new

I also rehashed my part in hurting her, that yes, she sinned, but my sins made her vulnerable, and I am trying to make her path back smooth.

FOR ONCE, can you ONLY refer to YOUR sins and NOT hers???

He agreed to write to her.

Pastor, S20, and I all agreed that any outing together where ppl pretend to be ok would be extremely awkward.

My dilemma...how do I tell W...what do I tell W... Don't want to have outing w/one S and W, other S left out when it was for his birthday..

so all your manipulations are NOT helping, are they?
STOP trying to control everything. It's not working & you need to just take a mirror w/you

so when you want to improve or work on someone, just look in the mirror

I read above posts that I am trying to fix things for w with kids, and using or controlling kids...but I can't MAKE an adult talk to his mother. I can coach, suggest, encourage...

Suggestions were to make her fix things on her own...S doesn't respond...she doesn't know his thoughts, other than through me, so how can she? Hoping he will write that letter.

So I feel there is progress going on, yet still frustrated and confused.