You guys are so loving and giving of your time and energy I really find this to be a true blessing.
As I said, I really don't know enough about guns to really be sure that was what happened. I thought it was. H always denied it and still to this day does. I guess I thought that in the chaos maybe I was wrong. Also, I knew that he was very very very sick. His mind was fractured not working properly.
I still am not wanting a D though. I know that sounds incredibly stupid. Things simply do not feel finished. I dunno. Maybe it is just fear of the unknown. Maybe it is fear of being alone. Fear of success even? Mired in self doubt. It's like having concrete feet. That actually reminds me of a song called Nowhere man. I'll include the lyrics just because it sums it up better than I can. I guess it is essentially GAL. Having a hard time with this in several ways. Just trying to not feel as though his treatment of the children is really rejection of me. And I guess, just really accepting how flawed he is. I never in a million years would have believed he would do this again. Really. Yet, he has. And really cannot come up with any real reason as to why. He just ran. It got too hard, too many responsibilities, too many feelings. Sigh. I better go to bed. I took the anxiety meds and shockingly I have been away for 3 hours since taking them! Woot. That's a record. Night lovely friends. May you have peace at least in your dreams.
Artist: Brandon Rhyder Song: Nowhere Man
Staring out my window I feel the need to get away for a day Find myself again Find out what makes me tick What makes me go 'round and 'round
I feel like I'm walking in circles with a pair of concrete feet Trudging along the best I can tryin' to keep up with the beat But I ain't goin' nowhere fast, call me nowhere man
I put my whole life on display For everyone to see, look at me But I've been on the shelf for a while My cup is rusty, I'm out of style They call me an antique
I feel like I'm walking in circles with a pair of blinders on my eyes But I cover it up the best I can with my legendary smile But I ain't goin' nowhere fast, call me nowhere man
Bridge: I'm surrounded by a bunch of people dont give a damn what I have to say But lately I've been giving less of a damn about what those people think Nowhere can be a lonely place if you let it get inside your head But sometimes I think I'd rather be here instead.
