Hi sweet dawn - I feel like i have been screaming that silently myself without even knowing it for a long time. I'm sorry you feel so frustrated, and so angry and I know that feeling too, and it's very hard to get rid of. But we all have to find some peaceful ground for ourselves somewhere down the line and stop hurting ourselves.
Could you ask yourself really really honestly do you even want that life back. I think one of the most scariest and painful things for us LBS's is to let go of the old marriage and realize it's over. Only when we truly accept that, can we calm down a little and start to work on ourselves.
I have only read the last couple of your posts - sorry, I will catch up later - and so my response may not be that comprehensive - but one question - would you really like to have your h at your thanksgiving table the way he is right now? Don't you just want the people who really want to be with you and be thankful with you to be there? Could you start to see that there is more than enough love around you if you can open yourself to it?
In the last few weeks I have come to realize that there is a lot of love, acceptance, support and caring from so so many people in my life. But I have been so damn focused on wanting it from h that I was totally missing out on what is already there. I would like for you to be able to begin to be open to that also - because I got a lot of peace from that realization, and I think you will too
I am sorry I haven't been around to support you these last weeks. I needed all my energy for myself during that time. It's okay for us to fall over ourselves from time to time, and then KNOW that we can keep moving forward. I wonder if the next time your h brings it up , you shrug and say whatever, fine by me, stay if you want, go if you want...
I wonder if that will empower you a bit to reach that place- where you are ok if he's there and ok if he's away (and to stop the thought there and not think of the where he is at).
Maybe some meditation tonight to help you reach a better place?
(((((( )))))) I hope you feel better soon
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
