Crazy Strange Glorious

[tpc1977]

Let me start with this:
My wife never stopped the affair. Several years ago she told me it was over and we were (me) working on salvaging it. I changed a lot but totally walked away from God because the further I worked it by myself the more I felt myself dying. I was accepting no help from God and receiving no help from my wife. It was an endless struggle that when I go read my journals I cringe at the pain.

Anyway. This is what I know about the affair. They have known each other for a very long time. Even before my step daughter was born in another state 17 years ago. He pursued her by moving there and begging her to stay when my wife's other relationship dissolved. Then moving back her to chase her here. They dated for a while but something happened and they split. She met me, we got married and he moved on for a bit. He got married but that ended. Then I believe he moved to my town to pursue her again and when things started going south for us, he moved in. She reached out and he jumped. It seems sort of sick. But she's living with him now - mostly (that's another story I'll tell later).

When my strength went out after finding out for the last time, I went wild. I started using hard drugs and drinking. I also gave up my sport mostly. Then not long after I started doing coke, something hit me from behind. I was living with a good friend and while I was in my bedroom, God got a hold of my heart big time. I cried out to Him and that was the end of all my drug use and drinking. I also broke it off with the woman I was with - that hurt the most really. She made me feel so good about myself again. All she did was speak highly of me and did such amazing things that I haven't witnessed in most of my marriage. But I felt a real strong pull on my heart to end it. So I did.

After that things got crazy. My wife got closer to OM and I started pouring myself into the word of God and prayer. Two months prior I was at the beach with my side of the family and we all started talking about religion. Something came up and I looked at my mother and said something like, "It would have to be a miracle to ever see me come through those church doors again." Well, I'm there every Sunday and twice on Sunday when I'm not at home with my kids. My mother and I are prayer partners and she's pulled me out of some dark days. She's pretty awesome. I am blessed to have her.

The months I was away, my house and family went down the drain. My oldest daughter is still caught up with drinking and lying and staying away for periods at a time. My wife, I don't think, has the capacity to do what's right because she still suffers with addictions and guilt. Not that I'm home however, I have - with a lot of prayer and God's help - put some balance back here. It's still a struggle, but there seems to be a bigger peace than before. God has made me more organized and in control. It's helped a lot.

Next week, I may lose my home, but that's ok. God's still in control. I felt the need to sell my bikes and give that up to spend more time with my kids. Plus I'm writing a book now as well. At least, trying to write one. I tap key and put words down, but sometimes the inner-monkey takes over and it's gibberish.

When God got a hold of me the first thing I felt like doing was put my ring back on. I felt called to wait for a while and pray pray pray. I even took many opportunities to pray with my wife when we crossed paths. She stopped doing that with me though because I guess growing up in a Christian home she knows the will of God in her life.

I cried more in the past several months than I had in 15 years of marriage. It hurts still. I have to spend the holidays alone and go to my child's events all awkward and stuff with or without my wife. I don't know.

All I do know is that both my kids don't have much to do with OM. They think he's strange.

My wife is skinny now. She's still as beautiful as ever, but she dropped by the house yesterday and something was missing in her eyes. We had a heated argument about something I said and it escalated quickly. We both apologized and when I looked at her, she just looked ... different. Guilt?

Well, here's the thing. I admit to all my faults. I wrote her several letters asking for forgiveness of specific things I messed up with in our marriage. Most everything was based on my selfishness with my sport and what I wanted ahead of her and the kids. Plus, my neglect of her needs when she was hurting the most.

She messed up bad a few times. She stole drugs, got arrested in front of the kids a long time ago, lost two jobs, we are about to lose our house and our finances are in ruins because she never got back on her feet. It must haunt her every day. And now, her kids will hardly hang out with her because they don't like the OM. And she lied to me for so long about stopping the affair.

She's not the same woman and I saw things change even before I walked out. Nose ring. Tattoos. Her demeanor. Just not the same. But I love her. I really do. That little girl is still in there somewhere.

While I was gone she would leave the kids alone and go hang out with OM. Sometimes leaving out youngest without telling her. She was doing things that were so unlike herself. Now she's living with another man and it just (to me) seems like it's forced.

She once told me that she had already F'd up one marriage why mess up this relationship too. To her, it's a job to make sure it works to prove something regardless. Yes, she loves him. Yes, he loves her. They are planning a wonderful future I suspect. And as many times as I hear how concrete the relationship is, I always have this feeling it isn't all it's cracked up to be.

The look in her eyes showed something last night. She is a bit confused and looks to her oldest daughter for support because of the teen mentality she has. My wife can have that peace of mind knowing a 17 year old does support her fun. "Whatever makes you happy, Mom." That's what she tells her.

Our youngest, will not go around the OM at all. She told my wife today she didn't like him. How could she like a man that tore a family apart. That's what she told her mom. She's a daddy's girl and wants to live with me if I have to get an apartment somewhere. I would love that. But I don't know what my step daughter will do. She's bouncing all over the place now with friends and sleeping at her BFs. He's an addict too and sometimes goes with my wife to NA. What a story huh?

I need to write another book on my life after this. It's pretty crazy actually.

But for me, I'm a new man now. God has really brought me through a lot. The past couple of days my heart has changed toward the situation. I want to let her go completely and let God. I pray for her a lot. I pray for our family. I pray for my girls. I pray for my home and finances. I'm doing things now that I would have laughed at a year ago - heck 4 months ago. But that's what God can do. Especially when you allow it. I think that's the biggest thing. I pray God's will every morning and night.

My youngest doesn't want me to move on, however. She's worried I've given up. Quite the contrary. I haven't given up, I've given over. I just can't grovel and be in pain any more. I'm wasted and tired. Time to break soul ties and allow God to do His work. Same with my step daughter.

What I think about is the road ahead and how awesome it can actually be. Allow God to lead, and I'm not going to lose. Slip up? Yeah. Get up and keep going? Absolutely.

The other thing is even though I keep trying to forgive myself of my past marriage failures, I want to remember them in such a way to never go there again. I want to be a man, my daughter's, ex-wife, family, future wife looks up to. And most importantly, one after God's own heart.