I just don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. My H is...I don't know where. There is no way to do anything when he never is around or will talk to me. I guess he is completely done. He doesn't want to work on our marriage and he isolates himself so no one can get to him. Maybe I should just accept that he is never coming back to me and I just have to take the road to being single.
I never knew he was so unhappy with me. There was absolutely no sign during the visits home this past spring. Nothing. Nobody could tell anything was wrong. Maybe he says he was unhappy so that he can justify his affair in his mind. Whatever it is, he's convinced that he doesn't want our M. I don't know how to turn that around.
I just don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. My H is...I don't know where. There is no way to do anything when he never is around or will talk to me. I guess he is completely done. He doesn't want to work on our marriage and he isolates himself so no one can get to him. Maybe I should just accept that he is never coming back to me and I just have to take the road to being single. I never knew he was so unhappy with me. There was absolutely no sign during the visits home this past spring. Nothing. Nobody could tell anything was wrong. Maybe he says he was unhappy so that he can justify his affair in his mind. Whatever it is, he's convinced that he doesn't want our M. I don't know how to turn that around.I can't believe this is my life.
Hey TJP
You are doing what you are supposed to be doing – again I am in the same pain you are in – do yourself a favor and stop asking why – there is no why and going over that question over and over again as I still do will get you nowhere – there is no way to get your head around it – it just happens.
I don’t know if you watched Star Wars but as soon as Darth Vader made a choice to turn to the darkside he fell far and fast – and that’s what happens when people turn to darkness like your husband did. He must fall till he crashes now – let him go !! The more you try to prevent this process the longer it will take – trust me I know !!
Let it go if you need more time before you want to go through with a divorce tell your husband you need time – I did this for 2 months after – I told her I was fine with it but I needed time to figure out what I wanted to do – DON’T bring up divorce.
Also do something NICE for you and your daughters together – they are the joy of your life so stick with them – do things for and with them – they are going through this too be there for them it will help you forget about you for a while.
Remember in the 37 rules “don’t ever give up no matter how dark things look”
Please take care of yourself – I hope you will feel better soon !!
Sunny
If someone decides there is no goodness in you they won't be able to see it. I'll take a BLT over a MLC anyday !!!
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
I thought there were 37 maybe there is only 32 this is what I found !! --
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10. Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11. Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15. When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) so this takes patient on your behalf.
21. Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23. Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24. Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29. Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
If someone decides there is no goodness in you they won't be able to see it. I'll take a BLT over a MLC anyday !!!
I just don't want a divorce. I hold on to the hope that he will come back from the dark side. Yes, I know Star Wars. I guess I do the same no matter what, move on. If he wants a divorce I can't stop him. I can drag the divorce out to get more time for him to go thru his process and maybe wake up and realize that he's losing his entire family. Email: tcollins6293@sbcglobal.net
