I think I am ready to sporadically respond to his texts now Tori
I might send the odd one my Self that may include suggestions of meeting up but they will be on my terms - like the Bond movie was - i.e. something I want to do and ask if he wants to join me.
I don't expect him to txt tonight or tomorrow (as he is hosting visiting scientists). I was going to text this morning that I hoped his meetings went well but then I thought why bother with that.
(((Labug))) I have been so GAL that I haven't had time to catch up w everyone's threads recently. But be assured, I am thinking of everyone here. I hope you're doing ok with what you've just experienced. From what I know about you, you will push through this, take a learning point and emerge stronger & wiser.
Thanks to for the baggage reclaim reference. I like her blog. I don't want a text R and will find a way to demonstrate that through actions rather than words. It may work for H but it sure ain't doing it for me.
Hopefulinga and Soul Thanks for dropping in. I will wait for an opening to say my piece. The time just isn't now and I accept that.
Ruby Tuesday Nice to meet you. Go right ahead. I always say take what you want, leave what you don't.
Tumbling, I'm very glad to hear you will try responding sporadically. Don't initiate texts, esp if you don't want a texting R. If you need anything from him, call him up! Shake things a bit and see what happens. If he retreats, back off.
You are doing this not bc of him, but bc of YOU. You want this man in your life, and you're doing what's best for you. If you wake up one day and realize you changed your mind, then your actions will change. But for now, I see how you want your M to work. The logistics? You'll figure it out when the time comes. Take the job if that's what you're passionate about and let him figure out how to be with you. Bc you're quite a smart, energetic, enthusiastic woman who deserves the best in life, and I hope he realizes that sooner or later.
I was silent/leaning back since Monday evening's night night txt exchange Thursday/yesterday I gave a guest lecture at the uni where H and I met and all the memories came back and I had this warm fuzzy feeling. And like a knowing that H and I would be ok. After lunching with lecturers I text H - as you would a friend when something made you think of them - "Just gave a lecture at xxx uni. Parked in your old carpark. Memories. Sigh. Hope you're having a good week. Maybe catch up on the w/e if you're not up to anything x" Last night I had a great night out with a gf. She said that I have to be patient. That slow is good. That when we crockpot - it's good, better even than flash frying. And I believed her. She also said that I am the only one who is on H's side. He has no friends, family to relate to and if I leave, he will be really alone - but that's not my problem is it? She also thinks that if I can be emotionally strong enough, I could help H get him Self sorted out BUT I don't think he wants to even if I could keep my Self safe. Silence
Today 0800hrs. I text "morning Hx". He replied "good morning Wx" (3) I've had funny emotions today. It's 19yrs since my dad died so there's this sad undercurrent. But I've had a good day at work - lots of laughter and achievement. So there have been smiles as well but at 1500hrs I came over all sad. So I text H. "It's 19yrs since my daddy died today. Feel a bit blue. Can I call you later?" Nothing
Came home from work at 1930hrs and felt really sad and alone and I started thinking this is never going to turn itself around. I talked to my mom about my dad and when that conversation was finished I thought fkit, I want to hear H's voice. So I called. No ansa. So I text "Just tried to call you. It would be good to hear your voice tonight"
That was 1.5hrs ago. Yes there may be other reasons but I think H is consciously choosing not to be there for me. And I don't want that in my life. I thought we were at least friends?!?
This has upset me enough to put me right back to where I was when I joined the board. My abandonment alarm is deafening tonight and I feel like it serves me right for thinking that maybe we had a chance when we didn't. His actions stab me in the heart and I don't know why I still wish my marriage wasn't like this.
And I think I am having an EA!? And that freaks me out because I don't want to transfer my feelings to someone else just because they are fulfilling a need that H isn't. H is causing this and I want to tell him...
I can't believe I am in a heap of tears all of a sudden. I know part of it is because I want to see H before I go away on Tuesday and time is running out. But it so doesn't matter really.
I'm glad I am going away on Tuesday for a week. I need a change of scene. I have to find a way to get back to blanket even if I crawl there. I hate that his actions can trigger me so badly.
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
I am off to bed. Nothing from H. Headstate better from being on the board. I know I have to go dim. I burned too brightly, as is my wont. It's just my way but if I want H in my life as a husband, I will have to not make bold Tumbling moves til he feels abit safer and /or knows what he wants - I will save those for other parts of my life.
As for my EA. I started recognising it a few weeks ago but didn't want to admit to it here. I know that I have to pull back and not spend so much time with him. I know too that it's not real - I have just transferred my feelings. I don't want to get mixed up emotionally as that will mean the end of my M.
All makes for an interesting Tumbling life, I suppose?
Wow, Tumbling. I think you started to pursue too much. I know it must be tough, but you need to stop texting good morning/good night if you want to see a real turnaround. At least that's what I see from an outsider's point of view.
As far as the EA...you'll have to be careful to not get yourself even more confused. I can see you love your H and want to save your M. Maybe find a female friend to trust instead?
Hope you get a good night's rest, and sorry you've been through such range of emotions.
Hi Tumbling. Have to agree with Tori and skipping a few good morning / good night texts. Make him wonder. I so understand the not having needs met. I come here and reach out to family and friends from time to time. On occassion W fulfills the very superficial ones at this time, if that.
Thank you Tori and Afa for stopping by I agree no more reaching out to H. I slept well but woke up blue Managed to pull my Self together and start my day - have to get this job application done. Picked up my phone at one point and found a text from H: -I'm sorry Tumbling, I was asleep most of the evening. I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you on that difficult day. I'm sorry I am such a pathetic person - (30)
I replied: - No worries. I survived. You sound exhausted ((H))x (7)
I know the 24/48hr rule but it doesn't feel authentic to me - it messes with my integrity. I do it when I feel I am emotionally reacting rather than responding tho.
At least I didn't put any hooks in it (mini applause) I don't want to ignore H when he acknowledges things like the above especially as his auto thinking is "I'm a bad person". So, I hope I did ok?
I didn't even realise that EA was occurring until I had a dream that disturbed me so much that I had to wake my Self before it went too far (I have conscious dreams where I can rerun aspects, stop or change them) - that was the night that I didn't sleep before H was meant to come over. After that I watched my Self and found I was seeking him out more and more at work. I have stopped that now. There is nothing in it from his side and I don't know what need it is that it's fulfilling - attention I guess - but I go get it - he doesn't give it. I have just found that if I go to that well there's water in it and at H's well there isn't even a bucket
I am staying leaned back. I am surrounded by lots of great friends (m & f ones)who recognise my specialness and I have all of you who have given me so much love and encouragement. I am truly grateful I have you to tell my inner feelings to - I feel so understood here. I guess I just want my H to remember how special I was to him once...
That reminds me of Adele's Don't You Remember I played it over and over again when he left the second time when I was out.
When will I see you again? You left with no goodbye, Not a single word was said, No final kiss to seal anything, I had no idea of the state we were in,
I know I have a fickle heart and a bitterness, And a wandering eye, and heaviness in my head,
But don't you remember? Don't you remember? The reason you loved me before, Baby, please remember me once more,
When was the last time you thought of me? Or have you completely erased me from your memory? I often think about where I went wrong, The more I do, the less I know,
But I know I have a fickle heart and a bitterness, And a wandering eye, and a heaviness in my head,
But don't you remember? Don't you remember? The reason you loved me before, Baby, please remember me once more,
Gave you the space so you could breathe, I kept my distance so you would be free, And hoped that you'd find the missing piece, To bring you back to me,
Why don't you remember? Don't you remember? The reason you loved me before, Baby, please remember me once more, When will I see you again?
I feel she wrote that for me. I don't play it anymore
I'm so sorry Tumbling. I am the same, I find it hard not to answer text/ phone calls. It just feels rude and unnatural. I guess they won't really miss us though, if they are still able to talk to us whenever they want. I think we need to try to have faith, that if it's meant to be it will be and not worry about the effects of not answering etc.
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
