I think it doesn't help in my sitch that, although H has apologized for the EA, he's still defending it as being nothing. "Just catching up with an old friend. She lives 3 states away, nothing was going to happen." Can you apologize and still not see it as wrong? Seems to me like something is still not right with that.
Quote:
I want H to experience what I've experienced with him. I want to start an EA with someone and have it go on for months and then let H read it.
Why? What does that have to do with you? Why the anger?
Quote:
The thing is, I don't want to do any of this as punishment or out of vindictiveness. I just want him to experience what I'm having to deal with, so that we're both operating with the same handicap. Otherwise, I just don't think he gets it. I'm having to deal with all of this stuff, this messy, long-term and permanent BS, and his big issue is that he's not getting sex right now.
I am so stinking angry at the unfairness of it!
Yes, you are certainly angry. I can see that.
I can also tell you that getting him to "see" what you see is not going to happen like that or in any way the way you would like. And I can tell you much more about that approach, but I think we should wait...
Quote:
Oh, and I can tell you why he hasn't left. Two reasons: he doesn't have the list of complaints against me that I have against him, and he doesn't want to be divorced again because that really screws with his mental image of himself.
A narcissist doesn't get perturbed by leaving. I'm starting to wonder about the diagnosis? Does the counselor agree with that by chance? I would guess you don't know because it's private, but asking..
Here's the thing. I keep going back and forth between poor you and maybe there's more to the picture. I'm not sure why that is. I feel for you - that much is consistent. But the reason why is a little less clear. I'm starting to wonder about the EA and it's affects. I can see why he may not think it was an EA but stopped because of your feelings. I can see where he may be borderline (something) but I can also see his reactions to you and your feelings.
That's where it gets confusing to me.
And I get that you're hurt by the concept of maintenance sex and worse, by him saying it. You should know I've heard worse from women and I've known many women that have heard worse from men while on dates. Some of it as absolutely so funny I almost tear up even as I write this... Not saying it's right, just saying there is much worse being said out there.
As for you, why is it confusing? I mean really. Shouldn't it be cut and dry at this point? I get that you're hurt. I get that you've had some things to be angry about. I don't understand needing to deal with things this much later as a healthy way to go. You need to deal with what you need to deal with of course but it seems pretty far down the road to still hold that grudge. Unless you're bringing up things from the past...?
Help me better understand, CV. I do very much care, but I'm getting mixed signals and I'm not sure I can be helpful if I am.
Peace, AJ
The problem I have with the EA is that she got the concept of compartementalizing the husband out of certain part of her physical and spiritial self. And now it's almost a joke for him to concider he has a right to share intimacy with his own wife.
