The crack in my separated life...

[Sweetbriar]

Changes for myself: The job is HUGE for me...working everyday, even though its part time is gonna be great for me and my PMA! I also am painting D11's room this weekend..so not for me, but for my home! My room is next...I want a total different room before baby comes:)

Something little, but big for me was that I have been cooking dinner again at night. I stopped for these past 3 months cooking really good meals..like meat, potatoe, veggie! I have been getting by on easy stuff and I used to cook a full dinner everynight that all 4 of us sat down to. This is big for me, because it is still sad to sit at our table with an empty spot:(

I also am not engaging in the convos with H. I state my opinion and move along. He is throwing a temper tantrum right now....texting me as I write this! I am not responding, didnt answer his call from his job this afternoon (knowing it would be to discuss him coming here..after I have said NO) and usually I would be pursuing by now. I would be asking him to come back and make us work..but now, no words of that.

I also booked a scrapbook weekend (Thurs-Sun) in January to get away. Scrapbooking was my passion hobby before this and I have not touched it in almost 8 months because the memories of our happy life are hard to see and look back on right now. I just know that I need to continue my journey in my books and get caught up...its important to my life and the kids lives that our memories are recorded...no matter how things have turned out:( This is a biggie for me...

I feel like Im a little stuck being pregnant right now. I mean, I am doing things all the time, but honestly Im kinda in homebody mode with the cold weather and baby on board! I cannot wait until spring, so I can blossom with the rest of the flowers in my yard:)

I know these are not huge things, but they starts!

On the H note..I know you all are probably getting sick of hearing it...but the text I responded was:

Me: Visitation at the house cannot be an option

H: So what the he** do I do? While you're not there what is the big deal?

H: YOu dont care about me...you love that Im suffering....physically, emotionally, financially....you're loving this..Im just not sure how you can sleep at night

Now, I did NOT respond to this but was pissed that once again, Im the bad guy. DOES HE CARE ABOUT ME WHEN IM HERE, TAKING CARE OF THE HOUSE, THE KIDS, PREGNANT AND DOING IT ALL AND HE IS SPENDING THE NIGHT AT THE OW'S HOUSE??? DOES HE NOT THINK THAT I HAVENT SUFFERED EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY?? OMG..I'VE ABOUT HAD ENOUGH!

It took EVERYTHING in my power to NOT respond with something hateful...but I didnt..I just let it go and let his phone call afterward go VM on our home phone..no message was left....

Thanks for all the ears...or eyes I should say:)