I was silent/leaning back since Monday evening's night night txt exchange Thursday/yesterday I gave a guest lecture at the uni where H and I met and all the memories came back and I had this warm fuzzy feeling. And like a knowing that H and I would be ok. After lunching with lecturers I text H - as you would a friend when something made you think of them - "Just gave a lecture at xxx uni. Parked in your old carpark. Memories. Sigh. Hope you're having a good week. Maybe catch up on the w/e if you're not up to anything x" Last night I had a great night out with a gf. She said that I have to be patient. That slow is good. That when we crockpot - it's good, better even than flash frying. And I believed her. She also said that I am the only one who is on H's side. He has no friends, family to relate to and if I leave, he will be really alone - but that's not my problem is it? She also thinks that if I can be emotionally strong enough, I could help H get him Self sorted out BUT I don't think he wants to even if I could keep my Self safe. Silence
Today 0800hrs. I text "morning Hx". He replied "good morning Wx" (3) I've had funny emotions today. It's 19yrs since my dad died so there's this sad undercurrent. But I've had a good day at work - lots of laughter and achievement. So there have been smiles as well but at 1500hrs I came over all sad. So I text H. "It's 19yrs since my daddy died today. Feel a bit blue. Can I call you later?" Nothing
Came home from work at 1930hrs and felt really sad and alone and I started thinking this is never going to turn itself around. I talked to my mom about my dad and when that conversation was finished I thought fkit, I want to hear H's voice. So I called. No ansa. So I text "Just tried to call you. It would be good to hear your voice tonight"
That was 1.5hrs ago. Yes there may be other reasons but I think H is consciously choosing not to be there for me. And I don't want that in my life. I thought we were at least friends?!?
This has upset me enough to put me right back to where I was when I joined the board. My abandonment alarm is deafening tonight and I feel like it serves me right for thinking that maybe we had a chance when we didn't. His actions stab me in the heart and I don't know why I still wish my marriage wasn't like this.
And I think I am having an EA!? And that freaks me out because I don't want to transfer my feelings to someone else just because they are fulfilling a need that H isn't. H is causing this and I want to tell him...
I can't believe I am in a heap of tears all of a sudden. I know part of it is because I want to see H before I go away on Tuesday and time is running out. But it so doesn't matter really.
I'm glad I am going away on Tuesday for a week. I need a change of scene. I have to find a way to get back to blanket even if I crawl there. I hate that his actions can trigger me so badly.
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
