So I am just journaling- It is interesting to me that despite all of this I am still stuck in the same cycle of regret, and despair at times. One would think that once you have accepted the inevitable it would be easier. Also, this ain't my first rodeo as they say. lol Still today has been difficult. Perhaps, it is just a delayed reaction from yesterday. Still no contact from H to anyone. I briefly worried that something had happened to him and resisted the urge to call. Typically though bad news travels faster than good so I figure if something had happened I would have heard. I still keep praying. Keep journaling. My emotions are so erratic and all over the place at times still. I have decided I am going to be neutral when I have to speak with H again. Not really friendly because frankly he's not my friend. Obviously. But I will be business like. That is the best I can do. H has not seen kids since the 27th of Oct. when he was with them about 5 hours then again on the 2nd of Nov for about an hour. And has only called one time. That's awful. I hadn't checked the calendar but seriously that's terrible. I have just quit saying anything about him at all and let them initiate conversations if they want to. My wedding anniversary is next week. I am dreading that. Our twins birthday is next week too. I can't help but wonder if he will even acknowledge them. Maybe I am being narcissistic but it almost feels like he is avoiding them to hurt me and that just [censored]. You would think a phone call wouldn't be too much to ask. Can you tell it really bothers me? Not sure why I am taking it so personally. I guess maybe I am invested in it too. Which means I need to detach. No news there huh? I have times though when I feel amazingly detached. Today has been bad. Lots of anxiety. Also, what in the world do I do if he calls and doesn't respect the boundaries I stated before? Do I just say no?
