Well, you're the only man that makes sense to me right now Its reassuring to know there are still nice guys out there.
I make sense - wow you think that would give me an advantage with someone in a MLC -- NOT -- just the opposite !!
As far as the nice guy thing - that is an excellent point - and it is a problem -- you have to be RESPECTED not NICE -- setting boundries is VERY IMPORTANT - I don't think the MLC would have gotten so bad I didn't start bending over backwards making EVERY CONCESSION being a doormat is VERY UNATTRACTIVE -- it has to be in balance !!!
1) live CONFIDENT -- if you DON'T VALUE YOURSELF YOUR SPOUSE WON'T 2) live HAPPY AND UPBEAT -- PEOPLE ARE NATURALLY DRAWN TO UPBEAT 1- HAPPY PEOPLE 3) live in agreement and validation -- very important to VALIDATE your spouse now - EVERYONE THAT HE IS HANGING WITH IS TELLING HIM HE IS DOING THE RIGHT THING AND HE WILL ALWAYS SEEK PEOPLE THAT DO -- SO SAY THINGS LIKE - I SEE THAT - I UNDERSTAND - ANYONE WOULD HAVE DONE THAT HONEY
If they are upset say I am sorry you feel that way. If they are happy say I am glad your happy. Some really powerful answers - OF COURSE - NO PROBLEM - NATURALLY - quick simple phrases that AVOID discussion -- very important. These must be spoken with STRENGTH AND CONFIDENCE - not NEEDY - REMEMBER NEEDY IS THE BIGGEST TURNOFF IN THE WORLD NO ONE WANTS TO BE AROUND A NEEDY PERSON - that's one of the reasons our spouses RUN we get so upset emotional beg plead all needy behavior - ok enough preaching again - now I gotta make sure I do it too !!
If someone decides there is no goodness in you they won't be able to see it. I'll take a BLT over a MLC anyday !!!
I have been having the overwhelming push/urge to talk to my FIL lately. Th feeling will come out of no where and it is so intense. My MIL passed away 10 years ago, we were close. I haven't spent a lot of time with my FIL for the past few years. My family doesn't know that my H is not living at home or not speaking to me and our Ds. Neither did my FIL.
Yesterday, the feeling was so consuming that I called him to see if he was home. I drove 40 minutes to his house and told him everything. I told him the mistakes I have made and that fact that this man who he thinks is his son, is someone totally different.
When I told FL that H had an affair, he informed me that he cheated on MIL back in '75!!!!!! No one knows this. My H and his brother don't know. I saw the pain in FIL eyes, it was unbearable for me to see him like that. I know he was devastated about his S and it brought back what he had done to his W. We talked for a couple of hours.
On my way home, I cried most of the way. I have been talking to my MIL in heaven ever since this has started. I go outside every night and look up to the sky and pour my heart out to her. Two nights ago I asked her for help, pleaded to her for help of what I should do. Now I understand why I had such powerful feelings to talk to MIL. She was wanting me to go talk to her husband. She wanted me to share with him and for him to release some of his pain. It was such an unbelievable moment. My FIL NEVER talks about personal stuff, not even with his Ss. He rarely has anything to say, very quiet man. BTW.....H is exact same age as FIL was when he had his affair!
He poured his heart out to me and I held his hand and listened. I know what people mean now when they say that some good comes out of this horrible situation. I never believed it, until last night.
My angel is watching over me and guiding me. I thank The Lord that she is still there for me and helping me thru my life.
I'm not sure what I should be doing at this point. H still isn't talking to me. He emailed yesterday again asking about if I was "going to work with him in this process. Are we going to use a mediator" He also said "we"weren't going to work on our marriage. I know he's not working on our marriage, but I sure am trying.
I went and saw a lawyer on Wed. I just wanted info on what I should be doing if H starts making crazy decisions. I feel better (I guess) knowing that I will have someone on my side. H thinks that we can figure things out. No way am I letting him do that. I also feel better about talking with his Dad last night. (See above post)
FIL says H isn't talking to him either. H only emailed FIL after FIL emailed H and said he was going to stop emailing all together if he didn't get a response from him. That prompted H to email his Dad. He told his Dad not to get all worked up and stop being like "that". His Dad was just trying to talk to him. This was all BEFORE I told FIL about everything. So, he pushed his Dad away too.
Both Ds are not communicating with H. He pretty much just says, "oh well". This is a man who used to be so close to his Ds. It's so sad to see their R the way it is now. It's not much different than he's treating me.
He still will only email. He never even called his Ds. His Dad agrees with me and thinks its not the same man we knew. His Dad said that if H pushes a D, then I will have a lawyer. He doesn't trust his decisions making either.
So, I'm ignoring any email that comes my way. I'm pretty sure he won't call. Maybe if he gets mad enough and wants to push his "process" forward he might call. I don't know if I could answer, I would be terrified.. Don't know whether to communicate with him at all. Ds will not. Am I on track of what I need to be doing? I'm pretty scared about it all.
At some point you are going to have to respond to him concerning his questions. When you do, keep your response short and sweet. For example, "h, I need some to adjust to this situation. I am no in agreement with using a mediator." If he wants the divorce so badly, he can get a lawyer and the two lawyers can iron out the particulars. It's difficult trying to negotiate w/an mlcer all on your own.
I'm sorry you are dealing w/this. He's got a one track mind and all he sees is divorce down the road. FYI, If you attempt to drag your feet, it will be more expensive and frustrate/anger him even further. However, you can work w/your lawyer to ensure that things move along at a turtle's pace and w/the holidays around the corner, not much in the paperwork will move forward in the system.
Just my two cents.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So, do I wait for him to contact me again before I say this, " I need some time to adjust to this situation. I do not want a divorce and I am not in favor of using a mediator."? Or do I contact him? I kind of plagerized your words, hope its ok
He already knows that you don't want a divorce and this will make him that more determined to push it through.
How many times has he emailed you concerning this?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
The next time the issue is raised. just state that you need some time to adjust to the idea of separating things. I would then also say that I do not want to meet with a mediator about this situation. Leave it at that.
You are a stander and you will continue to stand for your marriage until you are ready to give up. You do not need to advise him again that you don't want the divorce. He knows it, just as he knows you love him.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
There are times when I just want to give up. This hurts so much. It is my life day after day. I'm tired of trying to be strong. The lawyer asked me how I was so strong. I started crying. How's that for strong??? I haven't seen my H in weeks. Haven't heard his voice. Even though he said relationship with OW is over, I just wonder if he plans to go back to her. I know I'm supposed to GAL and move on and don't think about what he's doing. But, you can't tell me than anyone on this forum can flip a switch and do all that. My H has walked out on his family and hides. Some days I feel like doing the same.
I could never leave my girls, they're not even little and in a year both of them won't be living at home. They will both be in college. I don't ever want them out of my life. They are the reason I keep going thru this unbearable life. I also deeply love my husband and have the fantasy that he will come back to me.
But, I'm not living a fantasy. I'm living in real life, real loneliness, real pain. Thanks for your advice. I really do appreciate it and value what you say. There are people that I've never met on this forum that care more about me than the man I've spent the last 28 years with.
I also deeply love my husband and have the fantasy that he will come back to me.But, I'm not living a fantasy. I'm living in real life, real loneliness, real pain. Thanks for your advice. I really do appreciate it and value what you say. There are people that I've never met on this forum that care more about me than the man I've spent the last 28 years with. Plain and simple....this stinks!
Oh TJP I feel so much for you - and I feel the same way - my Lord -- I don't know how I got up this morning - got to the gym - prayed/meditated and got to work - but I did - and you will too !!!
I have some great motivational MP3’s I can send you just give me your email address and I will send them to you – they seem to get me through tough times.
You are 4 months in you will have good days and bad days – take care of yourself and breathe – you are not perfect – you’re not gonna be – you don’t have to be !!
You will endure !! Hang in there !!
Sunny
If someone decides there is no goodness in you they won't be able to see it. I'll take a BLT over a MLC anyday !!!
Its reassuring to know there are still nice guys out there. 