Not looking for real estate advice here, but how do I handle the complicated web of long term financially planning with someone that one any given day doesn't want to have a long term future together?
My advice is to not commit to any long term financial plan of any kind when your M is not on solid ground.
I feel for you and your W and the stitch you find yourselves in. I can't imagine being 40 and having three babies under the age of four! This was a career girl who gave that up to stay home and raise her family. While I admire her, I also have to wonder how much that choice has affected her emotionally and physically.
Waiting until you are almost 40 before having your first child used to be considered unwise. Even if the health of the baby is okay, it often plays havoc with the woman's hormones. I'm sure men get tired of hearing about hormones, but I can tell you from experience that it is a critical part of the female. I said all of that to say this.....do you know if she has stayed on top of her hormone health? Does her doctor check it out with specific blood tests? What about depression after the last baby was born? Do you know if she suffered with it?
When a woman has an EA, it's b/c she isn't getting her emotional needs met. She's empty and she turns to somebody other than her H to meet those needs. Your first big clue was when the sex stopped. How long has that been going on?
Do you know why it stopped? Was she too tired, or did it hurt? Maybe it was you who was too tired? It happens all the time in our stressed out lives. But it's a sign that something is off in the R. The longer it goes without fixing it....the worse the R can become. Even when there doesn't appear to be anything obviously wrong, something begins to slowly die.
With me, I tried to fill the void I felt by finding other things to keep me busy, however, the emotional emptiness grew. The depression grew. I felt dead inside. It doesn't matter if it is me or your W, whenever a woman feels like she's all dried up and can't feel anything....she is very vulnerable. The first time some man says or does something that causes a little flicker in her stomach.....she discovers she can still "feel". She likes it enough that she'll likely try to get that little thrill again. Many times, she'll contact that OM who made her feel that thrill. He's feeding her starved ego and she can easily become addicted. It's much like when we first experience falling in love, and that's why so many times they think it "must be love" for me to feel this way.
Now here's the thing, even if the EA broke....she will begin to experience withdrawal pains. It is an emotional craving for the excitement of the A and how OM makes her feel about herself. So, without help....she will pick up the A with him or find somebody else. Even though this OM was caught and his W made him stop the A.....he'll experience withdrawal also, so he'll be tempted to pursue your W.
Research on line the PEAS. If you know what you're dealing with, you'll have a better plan of action.
A plan of action is exactly what you have to have. You said you didn't know exactly what your 180's should be. I suggest that you focus first at evaluating yourself as an individual man. What would another person see if they knew nothing about you being M or had kids? How is your personal appearance? How has it changed since you've been M? Do you stay fit? Does your manners need to improve? Does your personality need to be charge? Everyone can be improved when they take a good look at themselves.
Now evaluate your place in your home & family. Have you become lazy or too laid back in making decisions? I'm sure you're very tired if you have to make decisions at work all day and don't want to do it at home, too. But men who set back and have the W handle everything is not being the man she needs. He may think he's making things easier and letting her do whatever she wants, but this does not work well in the long run of things. Women's natural instincts is to want a man who provides, protects, and leads his family. If she feels that she is doing her part and your part too, it will take its toll on the R. She may not even realize it at first, but her lack of disrespect will begin to set in, and things start to get worse. Disrespect and resentment are cancers in M's.
How does she talk to you in front of the kids and others? This is important. Does she talk down in any way? Does she make fun of you in front of other? Does she fight with you in front of the kids or others?
How well do you participate with the kids? Would you say that you come off as being one of the kids? I mean, there is a time to play with them.....and btw, you making the kids giggle is good medicine for her ears. But there is a time to take charge and they know daddy means what he says. Would you say your children sees a good balance there?
It's so easy to let our jobs & raising children take over our lives. There's just not enough time for each other. But when you are together (without the kids) what do you do? Has she stopped showing any physical affection at all? Do you still kiss her? I mean really kiss her (not a peck good-bye).
You are in a tight situation, no doubt about it. There are no quick fixes. But hopefully, we can help you with some things to do and not do.
You don't have to write out the answers to my questions. They are more for you to examine yourself and have an idea of some 180's. I want to caution you about a couple of things. It doesn't mean you are doing any of these things now, but you'll know ahead of time.
Don't leave your bed. If she doesn't want to share a bed with you....she needs to be the one to sleep somewhere else.
Don't give her ultimatums unless you are fully prepared to carry it out and accept whatever the outcome. Throwing out ultimatums is not the way to get her to do what you want.
Don't expect her to bounce back quickly into being the W she used to be. She isn't the girl you M.
Don't talk about the R. You think you can't find out what you need to improve without discussing the R? Yes you can. Every man who comes here wants to fix the problems by talking....talking....and more talking to his WAW. We tell him not to talk and most of them go and talk anyway. It may release some of his tension for a few hours, but it won't help his R with her. You won't understand why. There are a lot of things you won't understand the "why" in our advice. Or you'll think it doesn't apply to your stitch. But here's the weird thing about it.....what would have worked before now, just won't. The difference now? She's involved a third party. Her heart closed to you and opened to another. So now you will have to operate differently.
You can do this! I hope you stick with us and post every day.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
