My sitch is similar but one step ahead. My H just moved out this past weekend. He is in an EA that he refuses to let of go to work on our R.
We have 3 kids & I'm trying to sort out the new "rules" for this transition. For the kids sake consistency is best, so I'm going with the advice that if H wants to come at a "random" time he needs to give us some notice. You may want to establish a prior day request or whatever.
I know the "friendship" relationship is hard-that's where we are too. And I certainly don't want to be a doormat for him to walk all over, but boundaries are difficult when you are getting along and thinking the time you spend together is better than not.
However, things WILL change when she actually moves out. Some things will be immediate, others will take a LONG, LONG (MARATHON) time.
Don't assume she is stronger b/c of OM--that is mind-reading. It could just as easily be her interactions w you & your attitude change toward her needing time/space.
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
Yesterday, W and I had a great time on our Car ride back from a 1 day vacation with our kids. Talked about alot of things (non R things), i felt a connection (but i know its probably me).
Today, I wanted to tell my W again, how seperating was not a good idea...but i don't want to bring up the R. But i hate the thought how our kids will go through this and ask questions. I am still so confused with her.
I get the Sense, she is starting to get comfortable with me again and on the other hand, she is still determined to move out.....
I got things going with my life(GAL) , right now my main focus is on the kids and how to be the best dad in the world. Work is kind of hard to focus, but getting back in the swing of things.
With the holidays and her birthday coming up...its going to be a rough ride.
For her Birthday, i already planned things out prior to the D-Day, so i will continue with the plans.
I wish spouses who got lost, would realize sometimes it worth it to give one last chance, especially when we LBS, haven't committed physical/verbal abuse, we just simply priortized things differently when we have kids, work, etc. It doesn't mean we don't love our spouses, we got busy and assumed things where okay........
So today is a prelude to when my W moves out and i get my kids M-F with no Inlaw help....I been spoiled in my life. Already made it half way through the day, shed some tears, listen to some songs.
I kept thinking of the day my W moves out, if she will feel like how i am feeling? Scared or relieved to live her new life? I already know the answer but i hope my DB will pay off and she will miss me.
Maybe one of these days, i can look back at my journaling and smile.
My W has been lacking sleep for the last 2 months (ever since this ordeal started). I am worried about her health. She tells me things will be better when everything is settled (when she moves out). I simply told her, you are where you are at because you don't know what direction you want to go in. I left it at that.
Not sure how things will be better because M-F I will have the kids and she keeps telling me how Kids are important to her. Clearly the lack of sleep and her current throught process isn't clear.
Yesterday was my 1st time, i actually imagined life without my W and how i took care of the house, worked, clean, cook, got the kids ready for school, helped with HW. I actually thought, at the end of the night, i can have a Glass of Wine and breath a sign of relief.
Lately I been having thoughts about how long do I wait? Is it 3 months, 6 months, 1 year, 2 years? How long do I continue to be in this cycle. I love her very much but at the same time, if i can never make her happy, i need to move on.....I guess as i detach more,GAL and DB, the decision will be easier.
Our sitches are similar in many ways. My W has cooled on the talk of moving out, but I am writing that off as a down moment. She swings back and forth by the week right now.
Detaching is hard and I believe even harder when you have young children. It also makes this more confusing because in one sens you have a parent checking out and basically saying they are willing to give up time with their kids in order to pursue what is hard to call anything but a selfish pipe dream.
I haven't found a magic cure, but I do find comfort in the DB process. Most of my GAL'ing centers around the kids, although I have trying to use this as a way to meet new people along the way.
Not sure I have any great wisdom for you, but it is comforting to know there are others out there pushing to save their R and not just because you have children at stake.
There are days and hours I swear my wife has been replaced by someone -- her actions and words are that confusing. Luckily I am becoming numb to the venom, anger and threats. Additionally, these three things are SLOWLY reducing -- at the moment anyway.
Keep up with DB and GAL'ing it is making detaching a little easier for me anyway.
W: 40 Me: 44 M: 12 years Together: 14 Three children (S-4, D-3, S-1) EA started in April, discovered in 07/12 ILYBNILWY: 07/12 MC Started: 09/12 Patience Tested: 1,245,963 times since 07/12
Not sure I have any great wisdom for you, but it is comforting to know there are others out there pushing to save their R and not just because you have children at stake.
There are days and hours I swear my wife has been replaced by someone -- her actions and words are that confusing. Luckily I am becoming numb to the venom, anger and threats. Additionally, these three things are SLOWLY reducing -- at the moment anyway.
Keep up with DB and GAL'ing it is making detaching a little easier for me anyway.
HI Nick
Thank you for your comments. I don't expect alot of Wisdom from this point, in the beginning I was a wreck and could use alot of Wisdom but at this point, by following DB, GAL, 180's, I been pretty good on my communication with/without my W. But I do appreciate your concern and feedback!!!!!
I also like to vent because so many of us are in the same situation, its nice to vent here.
Just like you, i feel like my wife was replaced by someone else, for me it wasn't a gradually replacement, she literally became a different person over night. Prior to this, we physically were touching, we where about to buy a new house, we talked about vacation for next year, we talked about alot of Family things.
All it took was me approaching her about making this relationship better. I think this is one aspect I am different from others. I approached my W first to discuss and improve our Issues, she only dropped the bomb the day after. I thought with me trying to discuss it 1st, It would have been a relationship saver, instead it opened a can of worms. But i guess better to happen now, then later.
Sometimes i get the feeling her actions with the OM, is causing her to react either negatively or positivily with me. I can only hope the OM says something stupid to upset her. At least the only thing comforting me right now is, they can't physically comfort each other 24/7.
The other day, I asked her a simple question. I said you are going to sacrifice alot of good things in your life to be with this guy (kids, parent relationships, financially, etc) and what is this single guy sacrificing for you? He won't move up, he won't quit his job down there to be with a women who is sacrificing 15 years of her life. If i was this man and i knew a women was going to do this and if i truly loved her, i wouldn't wait, i would move up and find a job to be close to her.
Just trying to open her mind up, that fantasy land isn't that easy. Not sure if its working but instead of saying "you can't, you shouldn't, do it for the kids", i doing what a good friend should do, ask questions and let her decide if that is the path you want.
I have all but convinced myself, she wants to test the waters out. Extremely jealous of this but at the same time, i know people make mistakes. I am willing to give her a chance but as we grow apart and I start to feel confident, that chance becomes slimmer and slimmer.
I forgot to mention, if that OM does move up, then I know its really time for me to move on. Because she will take that as an ultimate sacrifice and forget that her H has already made so many sacrifice to try and get her back. I guess the OM, will have to learn everything i learned already about sustaining a long term relationship when the initial "love bird" love is gone.
So i think my sitch has changed because what I am hearing now is coming from close friends that are talking to my W about the situation.
Essentially i become a contest to pursue her again..Sounds silly considering I am her H with 3 kids. The only thing, i can do is DBing because I won't be able to wine and dine her with 3 kids.
Essentially she wants to make sure the person she loves is really the person she wants to be with.....I already mentioned, she felt she "settled" for me.
The only thing i know is, I was kind of scared of her moving out...but the more i think, the more she needs this. I want her to be stable in this and right now she is all over the place.
I consider this a form of cake eating again. Keeping me around for emergency use.............
My plan says to re-evaluate my needs after 6 months when she moves out. I wont' allow myself to be stuck in this situation after 6 months if I don't see significatant improvements. She either thinks I am good enough (with my new changes) or not. Not this limbo stuff.
I am also going to go and GQ myself....to make myself feel better and send a message saying...ya I ain't waiting around either. Create that mystery about myself. I encourge others, who haven't thought about this, do this for yourself. Have some fun.
I like your plan LS, and the 6 month evaluation sounds reasonable. As you noted, your wife really doesn't know what she wants right now, and she certainly doesn't truly know this other guy yet either. So yes, this will take her some time to figure out. Let it be her decision though, that way when she comes back you'll know it's because SHE believes you were the best choice.
Bust On, and be strong!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
LS13, try as hard as you can to Not bring up those simple discussions about all the lives that will be affected and what she will be giving up.
That is pressure, and pushes her farther away. STOP It.
What GAL activities have you done that are for you only, not including your kids?
I'm not good at that either because my W left 9 months ago and i have 100% custody of our S-9. She visits him very inconsistently, so i have him with me wherever i go.
The talks you have with her are an attempt to guilt her back into reality. That will not work.
Good luck, but don't make her choices easier on her. Let her find in you, a man that she can respect.
Ed
Me, 55 W, 36 T, 10 yrs S-9 M, 8 yrs 1st D-Day, 9-27-2009, With 1st bf, ea/pa 2nd D-Day, 12-5-2009, With her best friends bf, ea/pa W, AA relapse early 2009-Current W moved out 2-16-2012 New OM 5-2012
