The Lure of the Siren

[AlkalineThoughts]

Yeah, I can see that mate! I've not been able to contemplate life without W. It just doesn't make sense.

I hear you there, and I understand this... this statement says A LOT... The gist is this: You are where you are right now, and you KNOW, deep down, it's not working... If you can't imagine a future without the woman who is currently with another man, you've got some serious soul searching to do... ALONE... More on that later

I know and this is difficult to accept right now.

Yes it is... and it won't get any easier to accept if you don't take action to change the situation.

I have to disagree with you on this one. We went from arguing on a daily basis (or pretty much whenever we met) to actually talking and even enjoying each other's company. I know I'm not there yet but that is progress. I think my W has managed to get through her anger towards me and is starting to realise that there might be something worth thinking about. To me that is progress. As far as the FB stuff and all that you are right, I do let it affect me more than it should, considering what it is.

I do see where you might be coming from AT but with all due respect, our situations are very different and there is no one-size-fits-all solution. The issue of boundaries is one I have considered and one I am no ready to embrace just yet. Perhaps the day will come but that day is not today.

You're 100% right: Our situations ARE very different, and there IS no one-size-fits-all solution. But there most certainly are many tried and true theories that work ALMOST every time... Detachment being the key one here... So yes, there are no one-size-fits-all solutions.

BUT, that goes BOTH ways Arsene... meaning DB is a guide, a toolkit... not a crutch or a way to justify being treated poorly by your W because of signs of progress.

And you know what... you're right about the "progress" that's been made so far: She's probably past her anger (at least for now), you're not fighting and screaming at one another constantly, and you're enjoying one another's company...

But are YOU REALLY enjoying it?

IMO, it seems like it's a CONSTANT struggle while you're with her... I won't point out specifics, but almost every instance you guys are together seems to stir up some harsh stuff in your head right now Arsene...

But let's put ALL that aside for now... let's just go ahead and accept that there's been progress made and you're moving in the right direction in the sitch...

But where are YOU going Arsene? How are YOU growing here? All the signs of progress you point out are what you perceive coming from you W...

I don't know if I agree with you here either mate. When she stops showing an interest I'll be wondering. Right now, I like that she is interested, my issue is I don't like that I can't resist her. I want to keep her interested but distance myself from her emotionally and even physically.

Hint: A great way to keep her interested IS to distance yourself from her emotionally and even physically!

Again, not something I want to do now. I don't think this is the right time to set such a boundary as yours in my sitch.

So long as you're okay with her doing what she's doing with OM and coming back to you and your D when it's convenient for her, you don't need to set boundaries... But as soon as you decide that's not working for you anymore...

Yup mate. That I have to do. Total agreement with you on this. The toughest thing to do as well.
Much easier said than done when there is a kid involved as well as the constant contact which is now needed for me to stay in this country.

Any progress on finding OTHER ways to stay in the country?

I'm not trying to be harsh here Arsene, and I realize that it definitely is coming off that way... I just hate seeing you sabotage yourself and your progress while looking for signs of change in her... while she continues to do exactly what she's doing...