Thanks, AJ. I'm still not a saint. If I were, I'd give him his maintenance sex.
And therein lies the other half of the problem: ME.
I have concerns about me and what I'm capable of, or better said, what I might not be capable of.
Even if H changes a whole bunch of his bad habits and makes himself easier to live with, he will still be "him." Each of us have a slew of idiosyncrasies that are simply part of us and likely will never change. I'm sure some of them are good and some of them are bad. I know my H's idiosyncrasies. I don't know if I can continue to accept them. In the context of a M, anyway. I just don't know.
I read something on a post here the other day that got me thinking, so I went on a google hunt for something, which lead to something else, then something else, etc. Until finally I landed on a book entitled "After the Affair." If you followed my thread from the beginning, you might remember me mentioning that H had an EA years ago, tracking down his college sweetheart and exchanging emails with her, deleting them afterwards so I wouldn't see them. Well I did see them and brought it to the attention of the counselor we were seeing at the time. H denied that he was doing anything wrong (Really? Then why hide your tracks?) but the counselor told him he needed to cut it off. I was a bit disappointed because the counselor told him he needed to stop because "I" had a problem with it, not because it was a completely inappropriate thing to do. He was good otherwise, but left me out to dry there, I think. Well we never really did pursue it any further. I followed H's ever-so-delicately-worded emails to her, letting her know that he couldn't continue because I had a problem with it. So he ended it, as far as I know. But, really, how can I know for sure? He could have opened up a gmail account and picked up right where he left off.
The point of all of that is to say that I don't believe I've ever really gotten over that. The lack of counseling wasn't helpful. I would say I've forgiven him. Certainly we engaged/had sex/acted couple-like after that. But for me, the hurt is still there. I'm afraid it will always be there. Hearing (reading) your H tell another woman that she was the love of his life? -- well, it means that I'm not. And never was. Hearing him fantasize with her about what life would have been like if they had never broken up, and all the cr@p they could have avoided (referencing me and her ex) makes me question my value in the R at all. One of the things that I read yesterday was a post from a guy telling another guy what he was going to have to live with -- forever -- because of his choice to have an A. It wasn't punishment or criticism he would have to bear, but rather the sadness in the eyes of his W every time he said he loved her, because she simply wouldn't believe it, ever, because he said the same thing to OW. And he made that choice knowing how it would devastate his W if she found out, but he did it anyway. I'm not doing it justice, but it almost made me cry, because it is exactly how I envision my future.
Even if he stops accommodating his children's needs over mine, does that fix anything? I know where his heart lies. Is it worth it to get the behavior without the heart?
Even if he went to the Don Juan school of love-making and graduates head of the class, would it matter if I know I'm just something for him to exercise his equipment on? (Well, granted, if he was THAT good, it might be worth it. But I digress...)
I already know he's perfectly comfortable lying to me for his own benefit. I would be a fool to open myself up and trust him. Unless of course it's that "I trust him to lie to me again in the future." Can I sacrifice my #1 love language and still have a M?
I'm fearful because when I look forward, I see a loveless M. We will have mastered all the correct forms of interaction and communication, like a perfectly choreographed dance step. We will go places and do things and appear the perfect couple. But there won't be any feeling to back it up, because we both had to squash and bury what we really felt (him: wished he was with college sweetheart, kids and siblings are most important; me: honesty and openness are critical, spouses come first before all others) in order to "salvage the M."
I remember watching my grandma at my grandpa's funeral, after having been M'd for over 50 years. She didn't shed a tear. Ever. She never even mentioned him again. And she never dated anyone after he was gone. I told my H before we got M'd that I never wanted THAT to be my M legacy. Yet here I am...
This type of attitude will prevent a great sex-life with that particular man. You can't stonewall and beat someone over the head to make it be right, you have to open up and give passion and exchange it. If you were a great love maker yourself, you could coax your husbannd to treat your body right...
