Wasn't it a validation of her emotion? This is one of her biggest complaints. ((Me not taking care of her) Shouldn't I validate, and didn't I use mirroring (from turtle web site)??? And didnt she bring it up when she told be she was angry I didnt take care of her? I'm so confused!
Looking back at the text exchange I see now that your comment "I didn't take care of you in the way you need. Tell me more about that" was actually in response to her comment "Then I get mad at you, because I needed someone to take care of me." I missed that the first time, because it came after the "I'm driving" comment I thought you were just throwing it out there completely out of the blue. So yes, you were somewhat validating her comment. I apologize for the confusion, I just misread it the first time. I think your response was fine, but perhaps instead of "Tell me more about that" you might have said "I feel it's important to discuss this with you in person." I think it's a bad idea to try to engage in R talks through texting. You can't really effectively DB (listen intently, validate, make eye contact, lean forward, pay attention, not be distracted) through texts. And these DB techniques are a very important part of making your W feel validated.
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I also thought I was doing 180's when, after she brought up missing the kids, I offered help rather than telling her what she needed to do, as in past conversations above.
I understand what you were trying, but she probably won't like you trying to "fix" things for her. If your old behavior was to tell her what to do, then trying to fix is basically "more of the same" behavior. A better 180 would be to simply validate her emotions and leave it at that. Don't offer any advice or anything. "You miss the kids, I can tell you are sad and frustrated, I'm sorry you feel that way but I'm sure you can work things out with them." Remember, when women talk about their problems they just want/ need empathy. When men talk about our problems we want/ need solutions. You need to be mindful of what she needs, not what you think she needs based on a man's perspective.
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Also, expressing care about her emotions I was attempting to 180, as I believe one of my offenses has been devaluing her emotions and opinions.
Oh yes, this is absolutely a good thing to do. That's what validation is all about, showing her that you care about her emotions and that you take them seriously.
