bug- last week i was talking with my sponsor about the anxiety i get from this. how i would feel like people didnt care about me or my needs. way stressful for me. he told me something that made me think. he said,"have you ever tried asking for what you want or need? not demanding or telling people, but simply asking?" of course being the dense guy i am the answer was no. never dawned on me that asking for things was an okay thing to do. it doesnt make me weak, just honest.
You did get a good sponsor. I'm happy for you because he has helped you grow so much.
What I quoted above is how I tried to live my life, because needing help seemed...needy.
You're right, it's not and I still have work to do in that area.
Thanks.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Why I did not read your thread is beyond me, too caught up in me I guess and I apologize.
Our situations are scarily similar and the way we react is very much the same; lashing out when we are scared and needy etc. expecting our S's to know what we are thinking and not actually telling them...
Your R talk will resonate with me because I fear that in 6,8,12,18 months down the line that will by my talk as well. I am not ready right now to hear it, but I hope that when I do, I will be in the place you are right now.
There is so much strength, a bit of resignation and a hell of a lot of determination in your attitude.
Labug, so glad to see I was right I wrote on my thread, earlier in the week, that from what I know about you, you will push through this, take a learning point and emerge stronger & wiser. You are already so doing this.
I see a lot of similarities in the sitch and how we have been in the past. These circumstances only serve to make us better people. It's just such a shame that the WAS doesn't take advantage of the time to do some growing too. (Maybe they only do that when they have really lost us?) I've just passed my LBS two year mark and know I am getting closer to asking the same question whether he wants to fix or file. I am just not quite strong enough right now. Part of it relates to communicating my needs. I have always found it strange that I can ask for what I want in all areas of my life apart from in Rs. But one day I will stand for my Self as you have and then move past the answer.
I particularly liked your "not be friends". I have enough friends in my life too.
About my communication problems, I do really well writing out my thoughts and feelings for the most part.
Here I can delete, paste and copy, stop and think.
I can't do that in live conversation. And when it's an emotionally charged conversation I tend to say too much, keep digging for answers, sometimes lash out (hurting people hurt other people). I'm also uncomfortable with white space or silences in conversation. I feel like if I don't keep talking, the other person will leave and my chance is gone.
My brain freeze consists of not being able to process what I'm hearing and then respond appropriately. in. the. moment. I'm getting much better at it, believe me.
It's work but I'm grateful to have had the opportunity to become better at communicating with others. It was a great source of anxiety for me.
Curious how you have been working on this because I have some of the same issues?
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
Curious how you have been working on this because I have some of the same issues
Lots of reading, here and the books HTIYMWTAI, The Dance of Connection. Steve Stosny has some helpful things on anger and communication on the web.
Lots of thinking, reflecting on conversations that don't go well. Being aware of my motivations.
Learning to ask for what I need in conversation as well as in life. If I don't understand something I ask. It does no good to continue a conversation with false assumptions about what the other person is saying.
Using "I" statements to state how I feel, when necessary. Trying not to say things "You always....." You never...."
Validating the other persons feelings.
A lot my changes are based on slowing down and thinking. Don't open your mouth if you have no idea what is going to come out.
Stop the conversation if it gets heated.
Practice this with all your communication, this is not just for DB.
Hope this is helpful.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
