Looking down the road I have a huge hurdle (opportunity or serious challenge) before me. While W is currently off her D kick, she still occasionally brings up talk of a trial S but never pursues it for long or frequently.
We are currently renting a house as we recently moved and wanted to test the neighborhoods and schools before we bought a house. Our lease is up in the current house in June and we were planning to buy. The lease cannot be extended and yet I do not want to start talking about options yet as this potentially weighs too heavily or forces some R talks. At the same time, we need to start planning for a house purchase soon.
Not looking for real estate advice here, but how do I handle the complicated web of long term financially planning with someone that one any given day doesn't want to have a long term future together?
W: 40 Me: 44 M: 12 years Together: 14 Three children (S-4, D-3, S-1) EA started in April, discovered in 07/12 ILYBNILWY: 07/12 MC Started: 09/12 Patience Tested: 1,245,963 times since 07/12
Are you absolutely sure lease cannot be extended? I would wait. Unless you leased it without W knowing anything about it then she is well aware of the sitch.
She will bring it up eventually, but if she doesn't then cross that bridge in the spring.
Right now it would look like you are envisioning a future together and it may scare her silly. You don't have to move tomorrow, so it is not worth stressing about today or even next month.
You can plan for your own future for sure, by putting a down payment aside (if you can) but if it were me in W's boots, I would honestly think you we're discounting all my feelings by making future plans. Just give it a bit yet.
So, my partner in not texting every five seconds....shall we see how we do? :p
Are you absolutely sure lease cannot be extended? I would wait. Unless you leased it without W knowing anything about it then she is well aware of the sitch.
Yes. No possible continuation. Current owners plane to place on the market. W is well aware. Not sure I was planning on bringing it up yet, but they list this house at the end of March. that is not too far off.
Originally Posted By: rubytuesday
Right now it would look like you are envisioning a future together and it may scare her silly. You don't have to move tomorrow, so it is not worth stressing about today or even next month.
Very fair point. Exactly why I am seeking advice. I have been great about not applying pressure or initiating R talks, but anything I do related to the house will be construed as such and I dont want to fall into that trap.
Originally Posted By: rubytuesday
So, my partner in not texting every five seconds....shall we see how we do? :p
I love a good challenge.
Thank you for your advice. I really appreciate it. So thankful to have the benefit of this board and people like you.
W: 40 Me: 44 M: 12 years Together: 14 Three children (S-4, D-3, S-1) EA started in April, discovered in 07/12 ILYBNILWY: 07/12 MC Started: 09/12 Patience Tested: 1,245,963 times since 07/12
I just read your thread and what jumps out at me is your wife has been pregnant or postpartum for 5 years. That is very difficult without a lot of support. And that support needs to come from many different sources.
How has the last 5 yrs been for both of you?
Also, it sounds as if your wife went from being being a respected wage-earner to a SAHM (I've done both) and the transition is hard. And no one can tell you how difficult it is. SAHMs don't get a lot of respect and they are doing a 24/7 job that never ends. There's also not a lot of support for them and what they do.
How did you support her through this transition? What are your real feelings about her being a SAHM?
I'm not diagnosing her with anything but as I said 5 years of being preg/pp will do a number on anyone if they aren't being very vigilant in caring for themselves.
What she's doing wears me out just to think about it.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I just read your thread and what jumps out at me is your wife has been pregnant or postpartum for 5 years. That is very difficult without a lot of support. And that support needs to come from many different sources.
How has the last 5 yrs been for both of you?
No doubt this has been our greatest challenge. Our relationship went from a relationship to zone defense parenting. I clearly paid attention to the kids and not her. And she did the same.
Originally Posted By: labug
How did you support her through this transition?
She would easily tell you I am a 50% parent and a 50% house care person. Never been her complaint. What has been missing is we have been 0% spouses, lovers, friends.
Originally Posted By: labug
What are your real feelings about her being a SAHM?
I think she gets validation through work. She is a smart woman and has a lot to offer in her field. She knows I support her returning to work and she is starting to look. I know this will help tremendously. It will also create a new struggle as she will be torn about not being a SAHM. We have good help here now even though W is not working (Nanny at 50% time)and we could extend that to full time easily when she finds something.
I appreciate your insight. Please continue to offer guidance and suggestions!
W: 40 Me: 44 M: 12 years Together: 14 Three children (S-4, D-3, S-1) EA started in April, discovered in 07/12 ILYBNILWY: 07/12 MC Started: 09/12 Patience Tested: 1,245,963 times since 07/12
When was the last time she had a full nights sleep for 3 consecutive nights?
Since our first child was born I took every single night feeding. Even when they were just weeks old and getting up every two hours, I did all for all three kids except for two nights when I was in a hospital.
Her inability to sleep these days is more related to the guilt, pressure, confusion, etc. But even now when the kids get up for a drink, bathroom, etc they come to my side of the bed or call for Daddy. I have never relented on this responsibility as it is what i would have wanted if roles were reversed.
W: 40 Me: 44 M: 12 years Together: 14 Three children (S-4, D-3, S-1) EA started in April, discovered in 07/12 ILYBNILWY: 07/12 MC Started: 09/12 Patience Tested: 1,245,963 times since 07/12
No doubt this has been our greatest challenge. Our relationship went from a relationship to zone defense parenting.
Wait you're leaving out the whole having your body and mind invaded for 9 months part.
Pregnancy and birth while normal processes, do take a toll on the body and closely spaced pregnancies don't allow time for the body and mind to fully recover before it starts all over again. I'm not quibbling with your choice of spacing, which is a very personal decision, just noting the facts.
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I clearly paid attention to the kids and not her.
What things did you do to try to improve this? Or is this a recent realization? How can you change that now?
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Never been her complaint. What has been missing is we have been 0% spouses, lovers, friends.
Earlier you said she hadn't told you her complaints. Is this something she told you?
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Her inability to sleep these days is more related to the guilt, pressure, confusion, etc.
Again, did she tell you this?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I asked why (as I would have to cancel several meetings but didnt say that). Release the Krakkon!
LOL! Love the analogy
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Looking down the road I have a huge hurdle (opportunity or serious challenge) before me. While W is currently off her D kick, she still occasionally brings up talk of a trial S but never pursues it for long or frequently.
How have you been responding when she brings it up? Don't argue, reason, agree/ disagree or negotiate with her, just tell her that you want her to be happy and if she feels that is what will make her happy then you support her decision. You don't want to put any pressure on her to stay, she needs to know the cage door is wide open and she can step out any time.
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The lease cannot be extended and yet I do not want to start talking about options yet as this potentially weighs too heavily or forces some R talks. At the same time, we need to start planning for a house purchase soon.
Not looking for real estate advice here, but how do I handle the complicated web of long term financially planning with someone that one any given day doesn't want to have a long term future together?
Ooh, that's a tough one. I think I would not plan on purchasing, just plan on leasing elsewhere. If you just assume that's where it's headed then you don't really need to approach her about it anytime soon.
What things did you do to try to improve this? Or is this a recent realization? How can you change that now?
Recent realization. To be honest, she hasn't shared many complaints, so I am self diagnosing which is dangerous. My biggest challenge in doing 180s is that her complaints offer very few clues. The most frequent quotes are that "she doesnt know who she is but she knows she is not happy." Another frequent one is that "we are parents and roommates."
She isnt at a point that either to me or in MC she has laid out specific complaints yet. This has been hard to dig out through validating her feelings.
Originally Posted By: labug
Earlier you said she hadn't told you her complaints. Is this something she told you?
Only in her comment that we are parents and roommates. That conversation turned back to angry spewing after that and I wasnt able to get her to draw that out further, but it is a place for me to start when we get there or in our next MC session I think.
"Her inability to sleep these days is more related to the guilt, pressure, confusion, etc.
Originally Posted By: labug
Again, did she tell you this?
Great point. Know I am guessing here. She is asleep at night when I get up with the kids which is usually more than once a night when you have three young ones like this. Unusally in the morning she learns from one of the kids that they were up or needed something and she notes that she didnt even hear them. I always took pride at this because I thought that was a great thing she would appreciate. However, while she looks tired and run down for the first time in 5 years I am assuming it is related to all the pressure and our sitch.
This is so helpful. I really appreciate your continued insight.
W: 40 Me: 44 M: 12 years Together: 14 Three children (S-4, D-3, S-1) EA started in April, discovered in 07/12 ILYBNILWY: 07/12 MC Started: 09/12 Patience Tested: 1,245,963 times since 07/12
